Today a district court judge upheld the FBI's controversial policy of classifying Juggalos -a term commonly used to describe fans of the musical group the Insane Clown Posse- as members of "a loosely organized hybrid gang." Those slated next for such legal distinctions include: Deadheads, Beliebers, and all 50,000 members of the Wu Tang Clan.
An untouched vocal track featuring once popular recording artist Brittany Spears was leaked to the public today. For the first time music fans were able to hear Spears without the treatment of auto-tuning -a technique that has unfortunately become all too common in today's music industry. First reactions to the recording were muddled since most listeners could not tell whether they were listening to a cat being strangled or simply hearing the new musical stylings of Yoko Ono.
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In Colorado today, while frequenting a local nightspot, President Barack Obama was offered a "hit" off of one patron's herbal budd smoke. The President was apparently amused but declined the "hit". As one source claims the Chief turned down the puff because it was, quote, "some dry-ass homegrown sour diesel." I guess when offering a phat bowl to a sitting President, you might want to break out the chronic shit.
In similar news, it was recently reported that marijuana dispensaries in Berkeley were initiating a free pot giveaway. Although, these claims later turned out to be false, apparently they just forgot to charge people.
From the Middle East, the U.S Government is now openly backing the Israeli air-assault on Gaza that came in response to a bombardment of rockets launched by Hamas from the West Bank. Some have complained that the Israeli's are trying to fight a conventional war in an unconventional war-zone, leaving thousands of innocent civilians trapped in the crossfire. The U.S. rebuked such claims, stating, "Our belief is that if you're going to fight a war, it should be primarily fought against civilian populations who have no adequate way of defending themselves, and above all else, it should only be done for the further conquest of land. Just ask the Native Americans."
Spectators in the international community are complaining that the ongoing conflict between Israel and Palestine is growing stale and repetitive -much like the acting of Kristen Stewart- prompting the IDF to draft more enticing figures into their ranks. Starting tomorrow, actors Jack Black, Ben Stiller and black-faced Robert Downey Jr. will lead a frontal assault on the West Bank.
The Palestinians are reportedly trying to sign living legend Elton John, stating, "we could use a good rocket man around here."
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