Today in Headlines - Friday, June 5, 2015

The 2015 World Taxidermy Championship is currently underway in Springfield, Missouri, this week.  The event draws thousands of professional taxidermists from over 22 nations, all of them looking to compete for the much coveted title of Grand Champion.  Attendees were quick to notice that many of this year's entries went well above and beyond the usual mounting and positioning common to the trade.  This year, a new emphasis on action and movement has taken hold and the results are nothing short of spectacular.  Two award winning skin-stuffers, Fred and Gerald Perkins, received considerable acclaim for their realistic depiction of an African lion ferociously attacking a warthog.  The pair come hot off the heels of a lucrative job servicing a considerably high profile clientele.  The Perkins brothers were reportedly paid an exorbitant fee for their efforts to bring some kind of life into the Botox saturated face of reality T.V. matriarch, Kris Jenner.

Actor/Director Shia LaBeouf recently addressed an enthusiastic assembly of New Jersey area highschoolers, lending his life's culmination of experience and knowledge to the next generation of America's best and brightest.  In an honest effort to pass on his own personal recipe for success, Mr. LaBeouf spent the greater part of an hour instructing the youngsters on vital techniques involving:  

       (a) Public intoxication.

       (b) Disorderly conduct.

       (c) Stoking media coverage every time you change your hair-style.

For several years the European Incoherent Scatter Scientific Association  (or "EISCAT") located in Tromso, Norway, has been transmitting peaceful greetings from the human race into various parts of the galaxy; particularly those believed to harbor planetary systems similar to our Earth.  In June of 2008, the Association was paid an exorbitant amount of money to send a specific message into the heart of the Ursa Major constellation.  The stunt was apparently part of an ongoing promotion conducted by tortilla chip maker Doritos.  This week, EISCAT technicians finally received their long awaited reply.  Aliens from a small system within Ursa Major have identified their home world as "Planet Extreme" and described the wormhole they traveled through as, quote, "totally tubular."

A five member advisory panel with the FDA has announced its endorsement of an experimental new drug designed to increase the female sex drive.  The substance, currently known as Flibanserin, has been described by experts as the "Viagra for women," and has already found substantial interest throughout the very lucrative pharmaceuticals industry.  Since the drug is still going through its preliminary approval process, little is known about its expected social impact.  As the news broke, reactions on Capitol Hill were said to be mixed: 

Today in Headlines - Wednesday, June 3, 2015

Food Network's own Bobby Flay was bestowed with a rare honor this week, being the first celebrity chef to receive a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.  Flay was elated to be given the prestigious award, stating, "this is indeed a great honor."  However, the ceremony was not without incident.  During the unveiling, a small, low-flying aircraft flew over the area, towing a banner which read "Cheater," the word being an obvious reference to Flay's supposed penchant for infidelity.  Some might recall a similar denunciation of fellow T.V. super chef Gordon Ramsay, who was hit with a similar flyby just last year.

The transgender Olympian formerly known as Bruce Jenner has come out to the world this week, appearing on the June cover of Vanity Fair as the newly christened "Caitlin" Jenner.  The announcement garnered instant worldwide media attention and supposedly broke the standing record for Twitter activity.  The subsequent wave of popular support has effectively landed Jenner a lucrative contract with E! Television.  To officiate her transition into womanhood, Caitlyn was offered substantially lower pay and fewer benefits.

Scientist in Massachusetts have recently identified a new species of marsupial now officially known as the Dusky Antechinus.  The discovery made national headlines when scientists found that the Anechinus actually breeds itself to death over the course of several days.  The furry little fucker is the second such specimen to be cataloged in the known animal kingdom.  The first of course being Eliot Spitzer.

A recent Fox News poll found that an overwhelming majority of conservative American Christians are becoming increasingly concerned that the open expression of their religious beliefs is being misconstrued as hate-speech.  While another nationwide poll found that the vast majority of Americans are worried about Christians speaking hate.

Supposed "terrorism expert" and recently inducted Vice-Chancellor of Oxford University, Louise Richardson, has made what some consider to be offensive remarks while speaking at a conference last May.  In addition to accusing the United States of "overreacting" in its response to the attacks of September 11, 2001, Richardson also claimed that the British were able to handle terrorism better than their American allies because, as she put it, "Brits are more resilient."  Some have suggested that such a resiliency may have derived from the many centuries the English spent pouring human waste onto their own city streets.  

Richardson's appointment was hailed as a major step for women's equality, since she will be the first Vice-Chancellor to be appointed in Oxford's 743 year history.  English feminists touted the position as being "the equivalent of an American university president."  Prior to this most recent promotion, Richardson had served as the Head Principal of St. Andrews in Fife, which is apparently the American equivalent of a pompous, ostentatious, know-it-all.

Today in Headlines - Monday, June 1, 2015

A local Parkersburg man was arrested Saturday for stealing from a Belpre area pawn broker, Bill's Coins.  The bandit, 35-year-old Jonathan Whatley, had been detained on an outstanding warrant but after extensive questioning, admitted to hocking approximately $3,000 worth of antique coins stolen from Peddler's Junction, a coin dealer in downtown Parkersburg.  According to law enforcement officials, Whatley was attempting to acquire the necessary funds to pay for a much needed neck reduction surgery.  

A late night family gathering turned ugly last Thursday when a fiery brawl broke out over who would get to eat the last beef barbecue rib.  Local media reports say that two female attendees began arguing over how much the other was eating, when, according to eye witnesses, the much heavier of the pair lunged over a picnic table and proceeded to viciously stab her adversary in the eyeball with a plastic fork.  Upon arriving at the scene, Muncie police arrested the attacker, charging her with criminal recklessness.  The fork-wielding foodie was recently identified as Mimi Bobeck of Cleaveland, Ohio.

Republican presidential candidate Marco Rubio was spotted in Las Vegas, Nevada, this week making an impromtu campaign stop at the World Famous Gold & Silver Pawn Shop as seen on the History Channel's hit reality television series "Pawn Stars."  The tea party favorite spent time shucking and jiving with owner Rick Harrison and his son Korey, no doubt attempting to curry greater favor among the notorious southwestern beef-head population.  It wasn't all pleasantries, however, Rubio eventually got down to business, attempting to pawn off what little is left of his national appeal. 

"I'll give you two bucks, two bucks."

Canadians made a significant step toward practical tax reform this week by eliminating the widely contested "tampon tax," which women's rights advocates claim unduly targets females and their natural biological functions.  Other western countries have already successfully passed similar initiatives.  In the United Kingdom, UKIP party leader Nigel Farage vehemently expressed his support, stating:  "It's about bloody time."

Up-and-coming artist Richard Prince could be facing possible legal backlash over his recent installment at the Frieze Art Fair last May.  Prince is commonly known for his simple presentations of blown up photos that he himself gleans from the photo-sharing/social networking service known as Instagram.  Prince was said to have sold nearly every picture, all going for the heavy price of $90,000.  Despite his great financial success, Prince has received an essentially cold reception in the local New York art community.  Many call his processes unimaginative, accusing him of laziness and outright banality.  Unfortunately for Mr. Prince, the art world simply demands originality.

Today in Headlines - Friday, May 29, 2015

A recent study discovered that a certain number of compounds found in the ever popular party drug ecstasy, show a remarkable ability to combat the crippling effects of social anxiety disorder.  Researchers believe that the Schedule 1 substance may, in fact, hold the key to reversing many chemical imbalances that ultimately lead to such conditions.  One test subject, a mental health patient named Bob Wiley, commented on his experiences with the study:

I feel good, I feel great, I feel wonderful...

I feel good, I feel great, I feel wonderful...

During its annual I/O Conference, Google, Inc., unveiled what many are calling a truly inspired, albeit simplistic, virtual reality display called "Cardboard." The stereoscopic viewer allows its user to watch any 3-D rendered content using either their smartphone or tablet.  Recipients of the Cardboard test model were intrigued by its rudimentary design, which Google chalked up to greater accessibility to customers.  Developers of Cardboard say the device is just one of many new VR associated products currently being tested by Google.  One such product that many tech junkies are eagerly awaiting has been described as a Star Trek style "halo-deck," where users can immerse themselves in a digital world of fantasy and adventure, as can be seen below:

The FBI is probing a popular Ohio area Walmart over a deadly shooting involving an unarmed civilian last month.  The Walmart indicated that it didn't mind the probing, but said "the least the FBI could do is take me out to dinner first."

Shortly after announcing his bid for the Democratic nomination for the 2016 presidential election, Vermont Independent, Bernie Sanders, was hit with an onslaught of criticism over a particularly salacious 1972 essay penned by Sanders while he was serving as contributor to the Vermont Freeman, a local "alternative" newspaper.  The piece, entitled "Man-and-Woman", describes a pair of wed sexual deviants and their incredibly lewd fantasies, respectively.  Sanders' closest contender, former Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton, declined to comment on the issue, but her husband, former President of the United States Bill Clinton, had this to say:

"I'm familiar with the work."

According to a new study conducted by leading sleep pathologists, a lack of thorough slumber can actually lead to a significant increase in racial bias.  Of the 61 people observed in the study, a whopping 85% showed clear signs of not only sluggishness and irritability, but also overtly prejudicial attitudes toward minorities and foreign nationals.  

In a related story, it was revealed today that Bill O'Reilly of Fox News Channel has not slept a wink since 1972.