Today in Headlines - Monday, July 21, 2014

Four New York City EMT's have been suspended without pay following the gruesome killing of Eric Garner at the senseless hands of the NYPD. Witnesses claim the medical response team did absolutely nothing to assist the 43-year-old father of six as he lay dying on the city street. Pending further investigation, all four medics are to be placed on desk leave and will only be allowed to perform emergency medical services on jammed staplers, bent paperclips, and clogged pencil sharpeners.  

The 9th District Court of Appeals has ruled that the State of Arizona must divulge information on drugs being used to carry out it's executions.  The case has come amid several "botched" executions involving the substance known as Midazolam, a drug not unlike Valium.  When asked to comply with the new order a State Attorneys Office spokesman said they were at a loss, in fact they knew little about the source of the drugs, stating "as long as we told him it was to kill Humperdinck, he gave us all the drugs we wanted."

A Tennessee woman, described by witnesses as "crazed," crashed into a local church and allegedly stabbed her husband, accusing him of "worshiping" NASCAR.  In a similar story, an out of control racecar has crashed into a Jiffylube and stabbed an onsite mechanic for worshiping Jesus.

The cable television network FX has announced that it's hit program "Fargo" will return for a second season in the fall of 2015.  Industry insiders say the decision was brought on by heavy demand from viewers who can't seem to get enough of the show's suspenseful drama and horrific crime scenes.  The sharp increase in popularity has drawn some of Hollywood's biggest names into joining the grim ensemble.  Slated to play the woodchipper is actor Willem Dafoe.










The U.S. is renewing calls to cut all foreign aid to Afghanistan should the country fail to resolve it's ongoing election crisis.  One Pentagon official threatened, "who else will you get to rig your elections for you."

It was revealed today that attack ads targeting far-right conservative candidates, particularly those aligned with the Tea Party, were, in fact, paid for by Senate Republicans such as Mitch McConnell, John Cornyn,  Rob Portman, Bob Corker and Roy Blunt.  Through groups like All Citizens for Mississippi, and the RNC's Growth and Opportunity Project, political attack ads were launched against Tea Party contenders, often painting them as vicious racists.

In a related story the Pot has reportedly called the Kettle "black".