Today in Headlines - The Untimely Update Vol. II: New Year Special

Russian Prime Minister Dimitry Medvadev has riled human rights groups and legal experts after signing into law a sweeping road safety bill aimed at revoking the licenses of all disabled persons, as well as those who exhibit "sexual identity disorders."  Fetishists, voyeurs, and the those considered to be transgender, all fall into the unlucky category of "sexual deviants" that the Kremlin insists must be kept off the road.  Major condemnation has already been expressed throughout the international community, coming from as far as the Australian Outback, where a group of rugged drag queens ask the crucial question, "If we can't drive out to national parks, who will have sex in the bushes?

2012 Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney has shown strong indications of another possible run for the White House.  During a recent interview, Romney, who lost to incumbent presidential candidate Barack Obama by a substantial margin, said that while "54% of me would like to run, the other 46% just wants to bum around on the couch and live off the Government."

In a completely unrelated story, troubling details have come to light regarding a tragic six-vehicle pile up on I-90 through the western region of South Dakota.  The news, initially brought by the Argus Leader of McCook county, specified that an overturned big-rig had spilled up to 500 lbs of McDonalds french fries all over the highway.  No human fatalities were reported but emergency services did indicate that several Fry Guys were killed in the crash.

13-year-old Malik Bryant received a little more than he expected this holiday season, after opening the daily mail to discover a well-penned note of encouragement from none other than U.S. President Barack Hussein Obama.  Apparently, Malik's letter, which simply read "I just wanna be safe," had struck a sympathetic chord with the Commander-in-Chief, who replied assuredly, stating "your security is a top priority for me in everything I do as President."  According to inside sources, the President had gained access to the teen's communications to the North Pole via a top secret spying program conducted by the NSA, entitled "Operation Rudolf the Red Nosed Terrorist."

In a somewhat related story, the President was seen casually hanging out with 90's grunge rocker Eddie Vedder during his holiday vacation in Hawaii last month.  According to a White House spokesman, Vedder is a good friend of the Obamas, and had even performed at a 2012 fundraiser to support the President's reelection campaign.  Some may note a striking similarity between Obama and the former Pearl Jam frontman in that they both started out strong, but eventually everything they put out just turns to shit.

The Oscars took place this week, complete with all of its prevailing whiteness and its self-defeating incredulity.  Hosting the gala were female comedy pairing Amy Poehler and Tina Fey.  Naturally, the evening was popping with topical backhanded zingers, one daringly directed at noted comedy legend, Bill Cosby.  As many know, Cosby has been taking substantial damage to his reputation as of late, ever since Hannibal Buress, and now a host of other women, issued serious sex crimes allegations against the stage and screen veteran.  Cosby has denied such claims, but, of course, that hasn't slowed the steady bombardment of condemnation, nor the increasingly widespread show of support for the alleged victims.

U.S. Representative Randy Weber of Texas has come under attack after making controversial statements about the President and his apparent lack of action in the wake of the Parisian terror attack.  In an apparent attempt to chide Obama over his absence at the widely publicized international solidarity march, Weber tweeted, quote, "Even Hitler thought it more important than Obama to get to Paris. (For all the wrong reasons.)  Obama couldn't do it for the right reasons." 

Unfortunately for Weber, he had, in addition to riling Jewish leaders who criticized him for exploiting the evil specter of Nazism for his own political agenda, also made a total ass of himself by misspelling what is assuredly one of the most recognizable names in modern human history:  Adolf Hitler; which Weber typed as "Adolph" Hitler.  Almost immediately after issuing a series half-hearted apologies over his absurd remarks, Weber also made yet another blundering comparison, again likening the President to one of history's reviled despots, lamenting, "How much longer will the American people have to endure this modern day Neapolitan?"

A Superior Court judge has officially dismissed all criminal charges against internationally renowned female soccer star Hope Solo.  Back in the fall of 2013, Solo was charged with assault and battery after engaging in a violent confrontation with her aunt and nephew, whom she lived with.  Luckily, decisive evidence presented by Solo's defense attorney clearly shows that she had, in fact, acted in self-defense.  Despite being fully exonerated, the world sports media has continued to paint young Solo as a dangerous, out-of-control aggressor.  Speaking out on her behalf, Solo clan patriarch Han Solo felt naturally compelled to offer his two cents:

"I can't really fault her for exercising a little self-defense.  After all, I always keep a good blaster by my side."

U. S. Secretary of State John Kerry has just concluded a vital two day diplomatic visit to India, the itinerary largely focused on establishing the groundwork for long-term policy on important issues ranging from investment and nuclear energy, to counter-terrorism and impending climate change.  The conference was widely considered a sort of prepping exercise for the newly elected Indian leadership, who are set to meet with Obama later this month.  Once again, Mr. Kerry is seen doing all the leg work.

Microsoft Corporation has recently issued staunch criticism of it's technological counterpart, Google, Inc.  A bitter policy battle has raged between the two companies over disclosure of known security flaws in windows programming.  Microsoft has reportedly become heavily annoyed by Google's reckless announcements of these flaws, an action they say has left many users vulnerable to hack attacks.  In effect thumbing it's nose at Microsoft, Google has recently exposed one such security gap just days before a planned patch release, leaving Old Man Microsoft to shake his fist angrily at the young, disrespectful Google in relatively futile protest.

New Jersey Governor and apparent presidential hopeful Chris Christie has already begun plugging his 2016 campaign trail message, and that is, quote, "Relax."  Governor Christie unveiled the newly brandished slogan during a press conference last Thursday, where he laid sprawled out like a slug, eating frogs, and watching a multi-species floor show that ended with at least one scantily clad dancer being eaten by a large carnivorous repto-mammal.

Los Angeles Police are investigating the senseless slaying of real estate mogul, Kameron Segal, who was shot as he sat waiting inside his luxory Rolls Royce near the intersection of Sunset and Gardner in downtown Hollywood.  While very few leads have surfaced in the case so far, police spokesmen indicate that they have identified at least one eyewitness who claims the shooting began after a passing motorist aggressively demanded Segal hand over his coveted Grey Poupon.

New York Based PepsiCo has announced a substantial shift in their elite corporate leadership.  Effective March 23, William R. Johnson, who had previously served as chairman and CEO of H.J. Heinz Corporation, will be taking a much coveted seat on the board of directors of the snack and beverage giant, which currently attempting to re-brand itself as a viable choice for health conscious consumers.  Some have voiced skepticism over Johnson's ability to lead the company toward a more nutrition based product line.  Critics were quickly rebuked when the reanimated corpse of Ronald Reagan suddenly cried out, "Ketchup is the life, and it shall be mine!"

Microsoft and 4J studios have recently announced plans to release a Simpsons skin pack for the Minecraft Xbox One and 360 Editions.  Apparently, a recent episode of the seemingly never-ending prime-time cartoon series, in which all characters were depicted in a the  of Minecraft.

Longtime fans of the monumentally popular gaming franchise have voiced displeasure in the new addition, complaining that it stands for yet another shift toward further corporatization of their beloved platform.  Simpsons superstar Bart Simpson responded to the development with his patent bad boy attitude, quipping "Don't have a box-shaped pixelated cow, man."

The beloved Pope Francis has just concluded a phenomenal tour of what has long been considered prime Catholic stomping grounds, the Philippines.  Greeted by over six million followers packed fervently into Rizal park in downtown Manila, the appearance actually broke the papal record for attendees.  The raw jubilation produced by so many believers was said to have a remarkable effect on his holiness, even prompting outbursts of frivolity throughout the mass.  At one point, the Pope turned to his spectators and jokingly yelled, "I am the great Cornholio, and I need tee-pee for my bunghole!"

Again in Papal news, Pope Francis has made yet another ground breaking proclamation to the masses.  During mass last Sunday, the pontiff stated under no uncertain terms that the world's Catholics need not "breed like rabbits."  Many have already seized upon the statement, claiming it's just one more example of how Francis has shifted further way from traditional concepts under Catholicism.  One well-known couple took especial offense to the pontiff's phraseology, stating "My wife and I are deeply offended, we've been trying to start a family for years.  Unfortunately, as 2-dimensional beings our kind lack the necessary internal organs.

A public health experiment is currently underway in a sparsely populated farming community just outside Sioux Falls, South Dakota.  There, in a spacious grass field is a unique group of cows which CDC researchers believe might hold mankind's last best hope in finally eradicating the viral scourge known as Ebola.  The genetically modified cattle are said to retain actual human DNA, and are essentially incubating gallons of blood plasma containing a valuable and effective antibody, the first of its kind.  Of course, the effected livestock have no idea what's been done to them and pose no threat to humankind.












An 81-year-old man from Staton, Ohio, has accomplished the unremarkable feat of depositing $816 into his own personal bank account.  What might surprise many of you is the somewhat remarkable way in which he did it.  Mr. Ira Keys had apparently saved every penny that had come into his possession starting when he was just 17 years of age.  The entire cache of one cent pieces weighed nearly 500 pounds and had to be transported by pick-up truck to the local Prosperity Bank location.  Adding an unfortunate twist to the story, Mr. Keys was accused of human trafficking after he attempted to cash-in his 10-year-old granddaughter, identified only as "Penny."

The national Airline safety ratings were released this week and it is evident that 2014 was a bad year for air-travel.  A total of 21 accidents, resulting in 986 fatalities plagued passengers last year.  Of course, some did better than others, of the 149 carriers reported, less than a dozen received an all-star rating.  Among those were British Airways, Air New Zealand, and, per the usual, the top safety award went to Qantas Air for again maintaining their fatality-free record while leading in innovation.  Independent air-safety surveyor Raymond Babbitt offered his remarks, "Definitely, definitely a leader in innovation."   

Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin is receiving heaps of criticism over a recent speech give at the Freedom Summit in Iowa.  Attendees reacted moderately to the once revered uber-maverick.  Many were reportedly stunned by the guest speaker's oddly strewn analogies and general lack of direction.  The bizarre delivery was quickly explained when news outlets revealed Palin's Summit speech writer to be Grandpa from the Simpsons.