Some experts are warning that the U.S. model of drone warfare could put the world on a "slippery slope" toward "continual war." In response to this, toy-maker Wham-O, Inc. has put into production a colossal military grade "Slip-N-Slide" expected to be deployed in Afghanistan later this fall.
When asked for comment, one service member was quoted as saying, "it's all going downhill anyway."
The death penalty has been the focus of a major trial underway this week in the great state of Hawaii. During it's final stages, Jurors were asked to decide whether the accused should spend the rest of his life in prison, or be thrown into a giant volcano.
And just hours before his disruptive outburst on Broadway, a crazed, albeit determined Shai LaBeof demanded that a local homeless man hand over his crumpled bag of stale McDonalds french fries or, quote, "be destroyed". LaBeof insisted the fries had mystical properties and that he needed them in order to get back to the year 1985. The beleaguered homeless man was reluctant to give up the fries having just stolen them from former actress turned cat-lady, Amanda Bynes. Bynes herself had apparently just lifted the fries off of popular 90's actor and professional madman, Gary Busey.
When asked where Busey got the magical bag of fries, he replied, "I stole it from a stupid Daikini while he was urinating in a McDonald's restroom" The Daikini in question was of course actor Val Kilmer, who can be seen (left) running after Busey.
NASA has unveiled a new "Flying Saucer"-type spacecraft that many are hailing as an important scientific milestone. Opponents of science on capitol hill were quick to denounce NASA's decision to fund the project. Especially after it was discovered that NASA engineers had unnecessarily accessorized the ship by adding two little green men that show battle damage when you dip them in cold water.
The cruise-ship Westerdam was forced to return to port in Seattle this week after a fire suddenly broke out on-board, sending plumes of danky grayish smoke high into the air. Upon discovering the source of the fire, owner Holland America announced that it seemed to have originated in the Cheech & Chong suite.
It was revealed today that Facebook has been conducting a secret psychological experiment on it's users by testing their emotional responses to both positive and negative content. The study found evidence showing that social media can instigate an emotional contagion which will spread from person to person. One such emotional response was the increasing feeling of being totally creeped out by Facebook.
Almost overnight the world has changed for pro-government forces in Iraq as yet another major offensive to retake the City of Tikrit flounders before the seamless defense laid on by the opposition. Sunni insurgents alongside ISIS fighters drove Shiite forces out of the city like Indonesians running from a factory fire. A loss that is sure to be a major blow to the already deteriorating sense of morale within the Iraqi Army's tired ranks. Upon accepting the utter defeat, one Iraqi soldier by the name of Sheikh Abu Walter stated, and I quote, "Fuck it dude, let's go bowling."
While many continue to insist the Iraqi Army's resolve is strong, some have sensed a lack of motivation.
Researchers have announced that watching too much television may be linked to an early death. In response to this news, the cable network A&E has announced they will be launching a new reality show series wherein participants will watch themselves watching themselves on a reality show until they die of boredom.
Also in entertainment news, Actor Shia LaBeouf was reportedly arrested for disrupting a performance of the ever popular Broadway show "Cabaret." A police spokesperson has stated that in addition to facing charges of harassment, disorderly conduct and criminal trespassing, LaBeouf would also be charged with prostitution since apparently he's a total attention whore. Who knew, right?
Whoopi Goldberg is now the lone host of ABC's morning show "The View." Earlier reports that the rest of the ensemble had been sacked by the network turned out to be untrue. Former host Barbwa Walters was qwoted as saywing, "we weren't fiwerd, they just unwocked the doowrs and we all wan out." Apparently, they just couldn't take Whoopi's bad gas any longer.
In political news, Mark Mayfield, a rising star in the Tea Party's leadership was reported dead by an apparent suicide today. Staffers found him in the early morning hours buried under an avalanche of his own bullshit. He had been warned to steer clear of his own bullshit and to instead direct it toward the American people.
Also from the right, conservative commentator and Crypt Keeper look-a-like Ann Coulter was quoted as saying that the growing interest in soccer is "a sign of the nation's moral decay." In related news, I was quoted as saying "the declining interest in what Ann Coulter has to say is a sign of the nation's increasing moral fortitude."
From Iraq today, as the ISIS continues to advance toward Baghdad, the U.S. has deployed a fleet of drones to assist some 300 "advisers" in conducting their operations throughout the country. Already well accustomed to the work at hand, the drones will be carrying out strikes on the region's terror fueled funeral processions, wedding parties, and sewing circles.
The Ukraine has signed an agreement with the European Union that many are hailing as "historic". The move has further angered their Russian neighbors, prompting the Russians to issue a dire warning indicating "grave consequences," to which EU representatives responded, quote "neener, neener, neener."
Game of Thrones fans were let down today when they learned that cast favorite Peter Dinklage did not actually pose for a selfie with equally famous internet sensation "Grumpy Cat." Many were shocked to learn that the individual who posed in the photo with Dinklage was actually fellow actor Ron Swanson.
The newly erected Thai Junta has set up a review panel in an effort to curb critical news coverage. The panel has already determined that the only acceptable forms of news coverage will be the insignificant, inconsequential, insubstantial, trivial, irrelevant, and trifling. Apparently the jury is still out on extraneous, petty and peripheral.
SCOTUS strikes down a law imposing a 35 foot buffer zone for those protesting at abortion clinics. One Justice was quoted as saying, "the Constitution clearly protects the right of every American to scream "god hates you" at other Americans not only in the parking lot but all the way to the front door."
Iraqi Prime Minister Maliki rejects the creation of a "salvation" government, instead opting for a government of "certain doom." He was quoted while shoving a Tiffany lamp and some bathrobes into his suitcase.
Western leaders continue to call for Maliki's removal. One U.S. lawmaker was quoted as saying, "he's had some problems with his TPS Reports."
Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton discusses a 2016 presidential bid, particularly the reasons not to run. Hey, I've got one, "you suck."
Google is set to remove unwanted search results in an effort to comply with Europe's new "right to be forgotten" rule. Those slated to be removed include: Hitler; Euro Disney; the third season of Absolutely Fabulous; Hugh Grant; Gérard Depardieu (just his face, the rest of his body can stay right where it is); and that horny skunk. No, not Pepe Le Pew, I am of course referring to Dominique Strauss Kahn.
In World Cup news, Uruguayan star forward Luis Suarez receives a four month long suspension after apparently biting Italian player Giorgio Chiellini. When asked for comment Suarez said, and I quote, "I hate to work on an empty stomach." When asked how it tasted, Suarez replied, "that's one spicy meat-a-ball!"
During his 4 month suspension Suarez is expected to focus on his much anticipated autobiography entitled, "My Life with Human Flesh in My Mouth."
Shortly after the incident Chiellini received a consolatory phone call from former boxer and cannibal victim, Evander Holyfield.
Okay, that's all I've got on that one.
Boehner plans to file suit against the Obama administration over abuse of executive power. Yeah, he's got 66 years of completely ineffective legal precedent to back him up.
Maliki pulls in his remaining guard as part of a desperate move to shield his crumbling power structure from the hammer-jack jack-hammering of the opposition forces. Hey, buddy, remember what happened in Saigon? I'd get to the tarmac now, there will be a lot fewer people to climb over.
The Supreme Court decides police can't search your smartphone without a warrant (but they can still burn your infant children with flash-bang grenades). Geez, I wonder what they're going to do with all those "secret" Stingray interceptors the federal government wants you to know nothing about. I guess they can always trade them in for more flash-bang grenades.
On a similar note, what did the elderly white veteran (John Wrana, Jr.) say to the elderly black veteran (Kenneth Chamberlain, Sr.) after being shot to death by police in his own home and then floating up to heaven in a cartoon-like fashion? "Ow, that fuckin' hurt!"
And lastly, North Korea threatens war over "The Interview," starring Seth Rogan and James Franco. Apparently they're already loading rotten tomatoes into their long range missile launchers.
That's the day in news, check back for more utter ridiculousness later on.
