Today in Headlines - Friday, July 18, 2014

This week failed talk-show host turned online attention whore, Bethanny Frankle, came under fire after posing in what appeared to be her 4-year-old daughter's nightgown and pajama bottoms.  Human leeches from all over the celebrity media crap-o-sphere quickly suckled onto the event, viciously chastising Frankle for promoting a negative body-image to young girls the world over.  Frankle continued the supposed "instagram controversy" by posting a photo of herself crudely dressed as Travon Martin.

Salt Lake City resident Christopher Wallace has apparently committed suicide by jumping into a massive bonfire that was lit during an outdoor cultural event held in the great State of Utah last weekend.  Startled onlookers described Wallace as "determined" to cross the protective barriers and enter the roaring blaze set before them. One patron complained, "Hey, if I wanted to see Burning Man, I'd go to Nevada, man."


A 24-year-old idiot named Claire Leeson has wasted upwards of $30,000 to recreate herself in the image of reality star Kim Kardashian.  The procedures required to achieve her unnatural appearance included a boob job, teeth whitening, and the removal of her frontal lobe.  


In a similar story, well known shit-talker Joan Rivers has spent untold thousands trying to perfect an uncanny resemblance to DC comics' Joker.

Governor Chris Christie is back in the news today.  The walking political embarrassment is apparently considering New Jersey's place in the current immigration crisis and claims the State would be willing to accept those seeking citizenship on a case by case basis.  Christie stated, "we are an empathetic people in this country and we don't like seeing people suffer...unless you're trapped sitting in a sweltering traffic jam visible from my office window."

In addition to becoming "jersey kids," migrants can also choose to acculturate as valley girls, southern hicks, or New England douche bags.

Lastly, in what seems to be an incredibly disturbing series of events a 43-year-old father of six has died while in the vile clutches of the New York City Police Department.  The purported "gentle giant" known as Eric Garner was placed in an unnecessary choke-hold by police officer Daniel Pantaleo -a grubby whitebread prick with a shameful history of false arrests and excessive force against African American citizens.  

Police Chief William Bratton was quick to dismiss the idea that Garner was viciously strangled to death by his officers, instead issuing claims that the man died as the result of a heart attack while in police custody -alluding to the victim's excessive weight and poor health as the primary cause.  In accordance with this position, the New York City Policeman's Union is initiating a public awareness campaign to encourage U.S. citizens to stay in shape, lest they run afoul of the violently insane police officers currently patrolling our city streets.