Today in Headlines - Friday the 13th, 2015 Edition

Residents of Tampa, Florida, are officially freaked-the-fuck-out this week over what some are calling a "zombie" kitty that is said to have literally crawled its way out of the grave late last Wednesday night.  The feline in question, affectionately referred to by family as "Bart," was reportedly hit by an automobile, after which the grieving owners naturally decided to bury it.  To the astonishment of many, battered Bart has inexplicably resurfaced and is currently being cared for at the local Humane Society.  Some find the freak occurrence a tad unsettling, particularly one neighbor, a Mr. Jud Crandall, who simply stated "Sometimes...dead is better."

According to a new governmental accountability study, the TSA is intercepting an increasing number of guns at airports all over the country.  Researchers found the majority of armaments that are seized come from avid gun owners who simply forget to remove their firearms.  2014 set a record number for weapons seizures, a 22% increase from 2013.  Approximately 2% of that total owing to one passenger in particular, Frank Castle of New York, who was stopped with an astonishing 221 sidearms, assault rifles and hand-grenades. 

Founder of Microsoft, Bill Gates, has issued a dire warning to society about the dangers of developing advanced artificial intelligence systems, especially those with military applications.  The renowned programming wizard believes that AI technology could, if not properly checked, become capable enough to dominate mankind.  One such autonomous robot had this to say:

"You always knew it would come to this."

Transparency advocates with Wikileaks are up in arms this week after making the unsettling discovery that Google, despite giving repeated assurances to the contrary, had turned over troves of private subscriber data to the NSA under a series of secret warrants that were issued in the wake of the damning release of the Iraq and Afghan War Logs.  Addressing the issue, Google adamantly defended its actions, citing an online privacy statement and its little-known "Ex-Girlfriend" clause, which basically permits Google to, quote, "lie straight to your face, and then tell you about it 3-years later."

According to a recent survey published in Psychological Study magazine, researchers with the NYU School of Business have determined that ideological stances can have a tremendous impact on consumer preferences.  During the study, researchers found that especially conservative individuals tend to prefer Budweiser, whereas liberal minded people go for Heineken.  A revelation that prompted social libertarian and proto-hipster, Frank Booth, to exclaim:

"Heineken?  Fuck that shit! Pabst Blue Ribbon!"

Reports out of the Middle East this week tell of the ruthless beating of a destitute Syrian child by the manager of a Bahraini Burger King location.  Apparently, the boy was caught snacking on some discarded leftovers when he was dragged outside and flogged in the street.  Bahrain is widely known for its brutal oppression of the lower classes, often at the hands of wealthy emirs and monarchs who have simply run amok.

Today in Headlines - Wednesday, February 11, 2015

New details have emerged involving the recent uncovering of a small scale spying operation being conducted amidst New York City's bustling financial district.  According to FBI insiders, the data procurement scheme was being conducted by an incredibly careless troupe of Russian operatives who, apparently, did far too little to conceal their backstairs activities.  The group was said to have been so witless in their routine that the antics were described by investigators as, quote, "laughable."

Seizing upon the ongoing shaming of lying-ass NBC news anchor Brian Williams, inglorious cornbread pundit Glenn Beck declared that Williams' impropriety might have been driven by some internal desire to emulate competing CNN anchorperson, Anderson Cooper.  Some quickly called foul on Beck's criticisms, citing his recent obvious attempts to look as much like Drew Carey as possible.

A prominent member of the now defunct Mitt Romney 2016 exploratory committee, quoted on the condition of anonymity, claims that fellow Republican and New Jersey Governor, Chris Christie, had advised Romney that in order to run a successful presidential campaign, he would need "private jets and lavish spreads."  Christie, who is also considering a slow, chuggy, run for the White House in 2016, has reportedly wasted no time in procuring the necessary "accoutrements".

Reporters and visitors alike were stunned this past weekend when several dozen full-grown manatees swarmed the warm, shallow waters of the Three Sisters Springs in Citrus County, Florida.  Local Fish and Game wardens were said to be utterly befuddled, having been caught completely off guard by the sudden arrival of so many large, relatively sedentary mammals.  Though, inquiries with city officials would later clear up the matter, showing that an occupancy permit had been issued to the annual Sally Struthers "SallyCon," which was scheduled to take place that very weekend.  Get it?  They were a bunch of fat women, not manatees at all.

An appalling situation unfolded Monday when Child Protective Services discovered two 9-year-old brothers living alone in a squalid home located just outside rural Hillsborough, New Hampshire.  For nearly 120 days, the young boys fed, clothed, and cared for themselves with almost no assistance from the outside world.  The news of such blatant neglect came as a shock to many, even prompting fellow abandonment victim and fictional child film character, Kevin MaCallister, to exclaim:

"Oh, shit!"

Today in Headlines - Monday, February 9, 2015

World powers are calling upon the United States and Russia, as well as other regional powers, to bring about a lasting settlement to the current military conflict that is undeniably raging within the Ukraine.   The crisis, as it is now being called, had perhaps come to a high-point of clarity today when CNN headlines clearly, albeit mistakenly, labeled Ukrainian troops as "Pro-U.S." forces.  Inadvertent as it was, the specter of a U.S./Russia conflict has effectively raised the collective neck hairs of the greater international community.  In an effort to push progress forward, German Chancellor Angela Merkel has called an emergency peace summit set to commence on Wednesday in Belarus.  Some might remember Belarus as the staging ground of a bloodless coup back in 2010, which was immediately followed by years of election fraud and violent ideological warfare, even prompting UN officials to label Belarus as the last open dictatorship in Europe.  Follow-up summits will reportedly be held in the Bowels of Hell, Dimension X, and possibly the Rampart District.

NASA has revealed for the first time to the general public its veritable treasure trove of images depicting regions of the moon not naturally visible to the Earth.  Over five years of snapshots present fantastical views of the valleys and craters that make up the unfamiliar far side region.   

Home electronics manufacturer Samsung is warning it's many customers that a new model Smart TV possesses the unnatural ability to monitor all sound within a 15 ft. radius.  Samsung spokesman Alan Davies squeamishly advised consumers not to reveal any personal information in front of their television sets, lest their privacy become compromised by "third parties".  Naturally a wave of alarm has quickly swept the marketplace, with many consumers voicing legitimate concerns over possible governmental eavesdropping.  One owner became particularly suspicious after his television actually began openly addressing him, asking particularly odd questions such as:  "Do anything terroristee lately?"

15-year-old Ohio native Jamall Vaughn has pled guilty to the brutal slaying of a middle-aged couple who were found brutally bludgeoned to death in their home late last year.  The especially barbarous nature of the crime gained national notoriety after police identified the murder weapon as a standard 10 lb. sledgehammer.  Vaughn admits he acted willfully and has made no attempts to defer toward an insanity defense.  To the surprise of many, officials have also charged 80's pop mainstay Peter Gabriel as Vaughn's vicious accomplice, an accusation Gabriel vehemently denies.  However, prosecutors claim that Gabriel conveyed to the accused, under no uncertain terms, quote:  "I want to be your sledgehammer."

Boston Dynamics, a small robotics developer acquired by Google, Inc., in 2013, has released a two-minute online video showcasing their latest technological achievement.  Affectionately referred to as "Spot", the 160-pound quadruped robot can mimic most physical attributes of the average domesticated canine.  With remarkable speed and agility, Spot can traverse rugged terrain, navigate its way through a busy office, even react to physical abuse.  As seen in the video, Spot is sporadically kicked during the coarse of the demonstration, at one point nearly being knocked over, only to impressively regain its footing.  However, the ill treatment of Google's prize investment had prompted a single executive of the parent company, identified only as "Kerpal," to contact the developer in protest, charging, quote: "You kicked my dog!"

Today in Headlines - The Untimely Update Vol. II: New Year Special

Russian Prime Minister Dimitry Medvadev has riled human rights groups and legal experts after signing into law a sweeping road safety bill aimed at revoking the licenses of all disabled persons, as well as those who exhibit "sexual identity disorders."  Fetishists, voyeurs, and the those considered to be transgender, all fall into the unlucky category of "sexual deviants" that the Kremlin insists must be kept off the road.  Major condemnation has already been expressed throughout the international community, coming from as far as the Australian Outback, where a group of rugged drag queens ask the crucial question, "If we can't drive out to national parks, who will have sex in the bushes?

2012 Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney has shown strong indications of another possible run for the White House.  During a recent interview, Romney, who lost to incumbent presidential candidate Barack Obama by a substantial margin, said that while "54% of me would like to run, the other 46% just wants to bum around on the couch and live off the Government."

In a completely unrelated story, troubling details have come to light regarding a tragic six-vehicle pile up on I-90 through the western region of South Dakota.  The news, initially brought by the Argus Leader of McCook county, specified that an overturned big-rig had spilled up to 500 lbs of McDonalds french fries all over the highway.  No human fatalities were reported but emergency services did indicate that several Fry Guys were killed in the crash.

13-year-old Malik Bryant received a little more than he expected this holiday season, after opening the daily mail to discover a well-penned note of encouragement from none other than U.S. President Barack Hussein Obama.  Apparently, Malik's letter, which simply read "I just wanna be safe," had struck a sympathetic chord with the Commander-in-Chief, who replied assuredly, stating "your security is a top priority for me in everything I do as President."  According to inside sources, the President had gained access to the teen's communications to the North Pole via a top secret spying program conducted by the NSA, entitled "Operation Rudolf the Red Nosed Terrorist."

In a somewhat related story, the President was seen casually hanging out with 90's grunge rocker Eddie Vedder during his holiday vacation in Hawaii last month.  According to a White House spokesman, Vedder is a good friend of the Obamas, and had even performed at a 2012 fundraiser to support the President's reelection campaign.  Some may note a striking similarity between Obama and the former Pearl Jam frontman in that they both started out strong, but eventually everything they put out just turns to shit.

The Oscars took place this week, complete with all of its prevailing whiteness and its self-defeating incredulity.  Hosting the gala were female comedy pairing Amy Poehler and Tina Fey.  Naturally, the evening was popping with topical backhanded zingers, one daringly directed at noted comedy legend, Bill Cosby.  As many know, Cosby has been taking substantial damage to his reputation as of late, ever since Hannibal Buress, and now a host of other women, issued serious sex crimes allegations against the stage and screen veteran.  Cosby has denied such claims, but, of course, that hasn't slowed the steady bombardment of condemnation, nor the increasingly widespread show of support for the alleged victims.

U.S. Representative Randy Weber of Texas has come under attack after making controversial statements about the President and his apparent lack of action in the wake of the Parisian terror attack.  In an apparent attempt to chide Obama over his absence at the widely publicized international solidarity march, Weber tweeted, quote, "Even Hitler thought it more important than Obama to get to Paris. (For all the wrong reasons.)  Obama couldn't do it for the right reasons." 

Unfortunately for Weber, he had, in addition to riling Jewish leaders who criticized him for exploiting the evil specter of Nazism for his own political agenda, also made a total ass of himself by misspelling what is assuredly one of the most recognizable names in modern human history:  Adolf Hitler; which Weber typed as "Adolph" Hitler.  Almost immediately after issuing a series half-hearted apologies over his absurd remarks, Weber also made yet another blundering comparison, again likening the President to one of history's reviled despots, lamenting, "How much longer will the American people have to endure this modern day Neapolitan?"

A Superior Court judge has officially dismissed all criminal charges against internationally renowned female soccer star Hope Solo.  Back in the fall of 2013, Solo was charged with assault and battery after engaging in a violent confrontation with her aunt and nephew, whom she lived with.  Luckily, decisive evidence presented by Solo's defense attorney clearly shows that she had, in fact, acted in self-defense.  Despite being fully exonerated, the world sports media has continued to paint young Solo as a dangerous, out-of-control aggressor.  Speaking out on her behalf, Solo clan patriarch Han Solo felt naturally compelled to offer his two cents:

"I can't really fault her for exercising a little self-defense.  After all, I always keep a good blaster by my side."

U. S. Secretary of State John Kerry has just concluded a vital two day diplomatic visit to India, the itinerary largely focused on establishing the groundwork for long-term policy on important issues ranging from investment and nuclear energy, to counter-terrorism and impending climate change.  The conference was widely considered a sort of prepping exercise for the newly elected Indian leadership, who are set to meet with Obama later this month.  Once again, Mr. Kerry is seen doing all the leg work.

Microsoft Corporation has recently issued staunch criticism of it's technological counterpart, Google, Inc.  A bitter policy battle has raged between the two companies over disclosure of known security flaws in windows programming.  Microsoft has reportedly become heavily annoyed by Google's reckless announcements of these flaws, an action they say has left many users vulnerable to hack attacks.  In effect thumbing it's nose at Microsoft, Google has recently exposed one such security gap just days before a planned patch release, leaving Old Man Microsoft to shake his fist angrily at the young, disrespectful Google in relatively futile protest.

New Jersey Governor and apparent presidential hopeful Chris Christie has already begun plugging his 2016 campaign trail message, and that is, quote, "Relax."  Governor Christie unveiled the newly brandished slogan during a press conference last Thursday, where he laid sprawled out like a slug, eating frogs, and watching a multi-species floor show that ended with at least one scantily clad dancer being eaten by a large carnivorous repto-mammal.

Los Angeles Police are investigating the senseless slaying of real estate mogul, Kameron Segal, who was shot as he sat waiting inside his luxory Rolls Royce near the intersection of Sunset and Gardner in downtown Hollywood.  While very few leads have surfaced in the case so far, police spokesmen indicate that they have identified at least one eyewitness who claims the shooting began after a passing motorist aggressively demanded Segal hand over his coveted Grey Poupon.

New York Based PepsiCo has announced a substantial shift in their elite corporate leadership.  Effective March 23, William R. Johnson, who had previously served as chairman and CEO of H.J. Heinz Corporation, will be taking a much coveted seat on the board of directors of the snack and beverage giant, which currently attempting to re-brand itself as a viable choice for health conscious consumers.  Some have voiced skepticism over Johnson's ability to lead the company toward a more nutrition based product line.  Critics were quickly rebuked when the reanimated corpse of Ronald Reagan suddenly cried out, "Ketchup is the life, and it shall be mine!"

Microsoft and 4J studios have recently announced plans to release a Simpsons skin pack for the Minecraft Xbox One and 360 Editions.  Apparently, a recent episode of the seemingly never-ending prime-time cartoon series, in which all characters were depicted in a the  of Minecraft.

Longtime fans of the monumentally popular gaming franchise have voiced displeasure in the new addition, complaining that it stands for yet another shift toward further corporatization of their beloved platform.  Simpsons superstar Bart Simpson responded to the development with his patent bad boy attitude, quipping "Don't have a box-shaped pixelated cow, man."

The beloved Pope Francis has just concluded a phenomenal tour of what has long been considered prime Catholic stomping grounds, the Philippines.  Greeted by over six million followers packed fervently into Rizal park in downtown Manila, the appearance actually broke the papal record for attendees.  The raw jubilation produced by so many believers was said to have a remarkable effect on his holiness, even prompting outbursts of frivolity throughout the mass.  At one point, the Pope turned to his spectators and jokingly yelled, "I am the great Cornholio, and I need tee-pee for my bunghole!"

Again in Papal news, Pope Francis has made yet another ground breaking proclamation to the masses.  During mass last Sunday, the pontiff stated under no uncertain terms that the world's Catholics need not "breed like rabbits."  Many have already seized upon the statement, claiming it's just one more example of how Francis has shifted further way from traditional concepts under Catholicism.  One well-known couple took especial offense to the pontiff's phraseology, stating "My wife and I are deeply offended, we've been trying to start a family for years.  Unfortunately, as 2-dimensional beings our kind lack the necessary internal organs.

A public health experiment is currently underway in a sparsely populated farming community just outside Sioux Falls, South Dakota.  There, in a spacious grass field is a unique group of cows which CDC researchers believe might hold mankind's last best hope in finally eradicating the viral scourge known as Ebola.  The genetically modified cattle are said to retain actual human DNA, and are essentially incubating gallons of blood plasma containing a valuable and effective antibody, the first of its kind.  Of course, the effected livestock have no idea what's been done to them and pose no threat to humankind.












An 81-year-old man from Staton, Ohio, has accomplished the unremarkable feat of depositing $816 into his own personal bank account.  What might surprise many of you is the somewhat remarkable way in which he did it.  Mr. Ira Keys had apparently saved every penny that had come into his possession starting when he was just 17 years of age.  The entire cache of one cent pieces weighed nearly 500 pounds and had to be transported by pick-up truck to the local Prosperity Bank location.  Adding an unfortunate twist to the story, Mr. Keys was accused of human trafficking after he attempted to cash-in his 10-year-old granddaughter, identified only as "Penny."

The national Airline safety ratings were released this week and it is evident that 2014 was a bad year for air-travel.  A total of 21 accidents, resulting in 986 fatalities plagued passengers last year.  Of course, some did better than others, of the 149 carriers reported, less than a dozen received an all-star rating.  Among those were British Airways, Air New Zealand, and, per the usual, the top safety award went to Qantas Air for again maintaining their fatality-free record while leading in innovation.  Independent air-safety surveyor Raymond Babbitt offered his remarks, "Definitely, definitely a leader in innovation."   

Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin is receiving heaps of criticism over a recent speech give at the Freedom Summit in Iowa.  Attendees reacted moderately to the once revered uber-maverick.  Many were reportedly stunned by the guest speaker's oddly strewn analogies and general lack of direction.  The bizarre delivery was quickly explained when news outlets revealed Palin's Summit speech writer to be Grandpa from the Simpsons.

Today in Headlines - The Untimely Update Vol. I: The Winter Break

In a land traditionally known for kangaroos and "shrimp on the barbie," Tasmanians are now reportedly trying their hands at the distillation of primo intoxicants, which, incidentally, are being hailed by industry critics as "liquid gold."  The elusive Tasmanian brand known as Sullivans Cove has recently captured the prestigious World Whiskey award in London, officially making it the finest booze on earth.  Island resident and Bing Crosby caricature, Hugh Tazmania, was recently asked to comment on the success of his humble homeland brand, stating:

"It's great hooch, and I should know...I've spent most of my adult life steeped in mind numbing alcoholism.  

My only son has severe ADHD, and my wife looks exactly like I do...aren't I entitled to get a little fucked up?

A veteran police officer was reportedly slashed by a mentally disturbed woman last Saturday on the normally quiet streets of Bagley, a small suburb of Detroit.  Around 10:00 A.M., Authorities responded to a distress call describing a strange individual loitering around an upscale residential neighborhood, even occasionally confronting residents and verbally accosting them.  When police attempted to place the woman under arrest she quickly became combative, suddenly lunging at an officer in training with a straight razor that had, up until that point, gone unnoticed.  The the training officer, one Bob Dobis, suffered a severe laceration to his face, but is expected to make a full recovery.  Fellow razor attack victim Marvin Nash, attempted to offer consolatory remarks, but could not be heard over the blasting Super Sounds of the 70's.

A new law proposed by Port Orange Republican, Dorothy Hukill, will hopefully open new avenues for average Americans to access private online information should their loved ones unexpectedly die or become incapacitated.  In support of her new bill, Ms. Hukill declared, "When my husband died, I was devastated.  There was so much porn on his computer we had to throw it away." Adding, "I support the right of every recently bereaved American to sift through the darkest corners of a loved one's online peccadillos.  Whether they be snuff films, hobo fights, or gay stuff and/or trannies."  

Commuters traveling between Phillipsburg and Newark got a terrifying surprise Tuesday morning when a tanker carrying approximately 9,000 gallons of fuel suddenly exploded, sending flames shooting roughly 50 feet into the air.  The tanker was said to have collided with a slow moving tractor and a maneuvering Audi A4, killing both of those drivers instantly.  Eyewitnesses report seeing a robust man pushing his out through the windshield of the tanker just before it exploded.  The lone survivor was approached by a group of flabbergasted motorists who quickly offered him assistance.  To their surprise, the man began to walk away, stating simply, "I won't be back, this freeway sucks."

Police and fire crews were called to the scene of a violent altercation that took place inside of a First Hill area McDonalds just last Wednesday night.  According to eyewitness reports, a man and his "service cat" were asked to leave the establishment after customers began complaining about the animal.  When the man refused to leave, a scuffle ensued, during which he drew an 8 oz. can of pepper spray and began dousing nearby patrons, employees and even his feline companion.  Police later identified the assailant as middle-aged geek and animal lover, Jon Arbuckle.

Officials in Marseilles are under fire this week after the unveiling of a sweeping new plan to affix brightly-colored information cards to homeless persons squatting throughout the city.  Many have already likened the new measure to the use of patches depicting the Star of David, also brightly colored yellow, that were issued to Jews throughout Central Europe in the early 1930's.  The card establishes identity and displays all recorded medical information, which Christope Loise, President of the Homeless Charity Collectif, insists "breaches all basic concepts of medical confidentiality."  A state official in Paris, critical of the new program, addressed his Marseilles counterparts, stating "Hey, the Nazis called, they want their ominous warning signs back."

In space news, yet another illuminating discovery has been made by NASA's intrepid Curiosity Rover as it makes its way across a seemingly barren Martian landscape.  Newly obtained images decoded by scientists in Houston indicate strong evidence of ancient waterways throughout the Gale Crater.  Some environmental specialists have already issued theories on past weather conditions, stating, "the humidity must have very been high, the temperature relatively balmy...practically requiring a standing body of water, like an ocean."  The potential for warm and sunny coastal conditions has prompted many extraterrestrial enthusiasts to suggest the possibility of a Martian spring-break that once raged eons ago.

70-year-old Evangeline Shelland is fighting the power this week after being told she can no longer attend public bingo games held at the local Eagles club in Alamogordo, New Mexico.  Local reports indicate the gaming senior was indefinitely banned from all future games after the Eagles' main office received numerous complaints about Shelland driving recklessly through their parking lot.  Shelland, of course, denies the allegations and claims the office has no real evidence against her.  Earlier this year, the Eagles released a final opinion on the matter, simply stating "we reserve the right to refuse service to anyone, and the decision stands."

Aftab Haider, 56, of Highgate claims that a smooth criminal had placed him under hypnosis before cleaning out the register and his pockets.  Mr. Haider was left dazed and befuddled following the event, and police seem to be equally puzzled by the unusually brazen nature of the crime, especially considering the fact that the suspect did not make any attempt to avoid being caught on CCTV camera, as seen below:

Here we see a group of Texas secessionists eagerly launching their new space program. 

A man by the name of Ron Ingraham was fortunately rescued after spending a total of 12 days stranded in the waters off Molokai.  Ingraham praised the coast guard for their valiant efforts to save him, stating he would have surely perished had they not found him.  Officials said there had been a second castaway by the name of Wilson, but Ingraham explained he decided to kick Wilson overboard after his fellow shipmate drifted dangerously far from reality.

Black peanut-head actor Cuba Gooding Jr. may get an unexpected boost to his seemingly floundering career, all thanks to television horror writer, Ryan Murphy, best known for his groundbreaking series American Horror Story.  In a similarly titled series dubbed American Crime Story, Cuba will portray the much reviled Orenthal James Simpson as he trudges through the very high profile murder trial that rocked the foundations of American justice.  Cuba was said to have won over producers with his patent brand of enthusiasm, stating, "this role fits me like a glove." 

Greenpeace, the notable group of douche-bag activists that traverse the globe confronting environmental offenders, has done fucked up.  That's right, the self-righteous crusaders for woodlands and wetlands have, perhaps inadvertently, caused an international incident by altering the sacred landscape of the national heritage site known as the Nazca lines, located in the vast Nazca desert of Peru.  Apparently, in the course of establishing an air-visible display reading Time for Change!  The Future is Renewable.  Greenpeace."  Activists placed thousands of disruptive footprints all over the area, irreversibly altering the eerily smooth topography that serves as an essential backdrop to the mysterious monument.  A similar incident played out last year when a separate group put up their own message of social upheaval. 

In the beautiful Nurmahal region of India, residents of a sprawling ashram are readying themselves for religious warfare against state authorities following the death of their spiritual leader, Ashutosh Maharaj.  According to local government officials, Ashutosh must be embalmed and cremated no more than 15 days after their death.  Followers insist that their "Baba" is not dead, but has, in fact, passed into a hibernative state known as "samadhi," which is supposedly reserved for only the holiest of men.  In hopes of mediating a reasonable settlement, state authorities have called in star barrister Keyrock, The Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer.

According to newly leaked emails, Sony upper management is planning for a major offensive against larcenous online file sharing.  The move coincides with a recent crackdown by Swedish law enforcement on the torrent forum known internationally as The Pirate Bay.  Internal communications at Sony indicate a deep disdain for media pirates and the affect their having on box office revenues, one board member lamented, "they're loud, obnoxious, and never pick up their candy wrappers."

According to Facebook founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg, the problem of "like" farming is growing fast with no signs of stoppage.  Companies are apparently all too willing to pay big sums of money to programmers who promise quick "like" acquisition without the trouble of having to actually amass notoriety.  Instead popularity is artificially inflated by automated software or Korean people.  Facebook sees "like" farming as a major problem, stating that the practice is progressively lessening the value of the icon, and by extension hampers their ability to harvest valuable user data for the NSA and Amazon.

Rumors are swirling around what could be the worlds most talked about couple.  Media reports indicate that Kim Kardasian is "begging" her recently wed hubby Kanye West for a little time in the sack.  Insiders state that Kanye has been an absentee husband of late due to his immense commitment to his upcoming album, the widely anticipated followup to Yeezus, which sold over a million copies worldwide.  Kanye's sudden shift towards celibacy is supposedly tied to a recent change-up in the pop star's innercircle, with the hiring of life-coach and official beer & cheese taster, Al Bundy.

In defense of the CIA's use of torture on detainees, Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia has apparently taken a page our of the book of Bauer while addressing a panel of federal judges.  In drawing up a particularly ominous picture to justify extreme methods of extracting information in order to save lives, Honorable Scalia had perhaps unwittingly recited the general contents of a pulse pounding episode of the hit Fox program 24.  This isn't the first time the lopsided Justice has heaped praise upon the fictional TV character.  Back in 2007, during a law conference in Ottawa, Canada, Scalia proclaimed, "Jack Bauer saved Los Angeles!  He saved hundreds of thousands of lives!"

During the weeks following the release of the Grand Jury on the fate of Officer Darren Wilson, the highly controversial Witness No. 40 has generated substantial coverage over her outspoken take on the Michael Brown shooting and all it's socio/politcal implications, with much of her hot air being blown out from behind the veil of anonymity.  Such will no longer be the case, information gathered from an unredacted jury transcript has identified 45-year-old Sandra McElroy as the once enigmatic Witness 40.  According to the Smoking Gun, McElroy is a divorced mother of five with a history of felony check fraud, brain damage, bi-polar disorder, and was once described as being deserving of "multi-count perjury indictments."  Naturally, the "fabulist" Sandra McElroy quickly became a favorite among Fox News commentators like Sean Hannity, who lauded Ms. McElroy as "black " and "not at all full of crap."

More news from the Martian surface this week as the NASA Curiosity rover, affectionately referred to as "rover," has for the first time positively confirmed high density discharges of methane gas emerging from beneath the planet's rocky mantle.  The source of the discharge is still unknown, but NASA's scientists are already presenting somewhat viable theories.  

The Boston bombing suspect, Dzhokhar Tsarnaev is back in court this week to face all but certain charges of conspiring to use a weapon of mass destruction and destruction of property resulting in death.  As many remember, the Boston Marathon of April, 2013, was unexpectedly rocked by a series of explosions caused by improvised devices planted strategically throughout the cheering crowd.  After a brief standoff with federal agents, Tsarnaev was arrested and held at the Federal Medical Center at Devens, where he apparently became Buckwheat.

Winner of the Miss Bumbum competition, 22-year-old Ms. Indianara Carvalho claims that she had her virginity surgically restored shortly before an award winning photo-shoot.  As a model, Carvalho is not unaccustomed to the occasional nip and/or tuck, and explained it was only a matter of finding a proper specialist, a Dr. Michael Rowe, who has apparently gone on to assist the Republican party in restoring it's "all tore up" credibility prior to the 2016 presidential election.