Today in Headlines - Thursday, July 17, 2014

A Dallas woman by the name of Darlena Cunha was recently chastised in the nation's news media for picking up her food stamps in a 2003 Mercedes Kompressor, the high-class automobile with a ridiculous sounding name.  After much uproar, local officials are calling for Cunha to trade in the Mercedes for something a little more appropriate.  She will receive this dilapidated 1974 Pinto, as seen below: 

A Vegas nightclub is facing backlash over guidlines it has allegedly imposed on female patrons attempting to hold their bachelorette party at it's luxurious establishment.  An organizer for the club had apparently told the women that they would refuse admission to, as they put it, "whales and hippos."  Also on the black-list were dogs, cows and tuna.  The bachelorettes eventually changed their minds when they realized they didn't want to do business with Jackasses. 

Bing.com is now prepping it's software to comply with Europe's new "right to be forgotten" law.  Unfortunately most people have already forgotten about Bing.

New York City beachgoers were furious when they witnessed what's being called a pro-swastika banner flying over the sands of their beloved east-coast shores.  The contempt quickly escalated when other symbols synonymous with fascist tendencies came rippling across the sky.

Actor Jeff Goldblum, aged 61, is now officially engaged to his 31-year-old fetus, uh, I mean girlfriend.  A move that has apparently encouraged several other aging and decrepit actors to get it while the getting is good.  Harrison Ford, 71, is reportedly nailing the Olsen Twins.  Liam Neeson, who is now 62, has entered into an arranged marriage with defunct Nickelodeon star, Jennifer McCurdy, and the reanimated corpse of James Garner is slated to date the unborn child of Dakota Fanning.

Also in entertainment, actor Charlie Sheen, best known for his role as that crazy drugged out weirdo on television, has haplessly wandered back into the spotlight yet again.  This time it's over a late night run to a local Taco Bell in what was said to have been an incredibly inebriated state.  Sheen was fervently demanding "Doritos Locos," whilst shoving dozens of packets of Taco Bell's patented Extreme Hot Sauce into his pants pockets. Attendees of the fast food establishment were reportedly "cool" with Sheen's drunken behavior, but things took a turn for the worse when Sheen tried to order a, quote, "large cocaine."