Today in Headlines - Monday, June 30, 2014

In Washington today President Obama nominated former Proctor & Gamble CEO and human-salamander hybrid Robert "Bob" McDonalds to be the new Secretary of Veteran Affairs. 

When asked how veterans were taking the news, many expressed doubt.  95-year-old WWII veteran Ashley Perkins was quoted as saying, "He's pink and slimy looking, like all McDonalds."

Indio Falconer Downey, son of famous actor Robert Downey Jr., was busted for possession of cocaine late Sunday evening on the streets of West Hollywood.  Indio's father, obviously disappointed, acknowledged that his son had sadly "inherited" his drug issues.  

In addition to the drug issues, Indio stood to gain a diamond encrusted snorting straw with matching sterling silver coke spoon, a four thousand dollar ROOR bong, and a VHS copy of Frank Zappa's 200 Motels.

Rick James Jr. lamented, "all I got were the rights to Super Freak."

Former Toronto Mayer Rob Ford is back in the news today, proclaiming, "I was my own worst enemy."  Ford said he realized this fact the previous night while smoking crack and playing Russian roulette by himself.  Upon discovering he was his own worst enemy a violent scuffle ensued, after which only one Rob Ford made it out alive.  I guess we will never know for sure, but I would bet it was the "evil" Rob Ford that was ultimately victorious.  Oh I don't know, it's something in the way he smokes that crack.


North Korea plans to indict and try two American tourists currently being held prisoner by the socially retarded nation.  Both have been charged with violating the laws of the republic and if convicted will be forced to make a barely funny hipster-doofus comedy movie about two stoners who want to assassinate a popular American icon.  The real punishment they say, will be having to act with Owen Wilson & Vince Vaughn, apparently the only two actors desperate enough to make the picture.

In political news, a young GOP candidate has come under national scrutiny for apparently asking voters to "forgive" his past incursions with the law which amount to several felonies and are apparently linked to an obscure sexual fetish known as "cranking".  

The republican candidate, Jordon Haskins, was apparently found masturbating in a cop car while "cranking" the engine.  A judge ordered Haskins to attend a support group for individuals with public masturbation fetishes.  Among it's attendees were singer George Michael, actor Paul Rubens and comedian Andy Dick.  Apparently voters in the district are still torn over who to support in the upcoming election because, while Haskins' behavior is deplorable, his democratic rival is supposedly a "total jack-off."

Okay, that's it for this evening, goodnight.