Today in Headlines - Tuesday, July 8, 2014

A total of five Garth Brooks comeback shows that were set to take place in Ireland have been officially canceled this week. The move comes amid fears that Mr. Brooks might instigate an actual comeback. Aiken Promotions, the company handling the events, issued an apologetic statement saying, "we regret our reckless endangerment of the entire civilized world."

Warnings of the possible fallout from a Brooks Comeback Event came from bad ass mathematician Dr. Ian Malcolm who stated,
"Garth...will find a way."

Former Alaskan Governor and Wasilla Meth Queen, Sarah Palin is calling for President Obama's impeachment over the U.S. Southern Border crisis. Quoting from the new American conservative edition of Dr. Seuss's "Green Eggs and Ham, she reads "Oh I would let them make my blouse, but I would not, could not, let them in my house.  I do not like these Mexicans, I do not like that Will-I-Am."

The fish are on the move again in Southern California this week, for the annual "running" of the grunion.  Every year this marine folklore comes to life in a magnificent display of slimy, beady eyed, mass breeding we've all come to know and love.  In a show of solidarity, English singer and songwriter Jessie J came out to slip around for a while in the massive seaside orgy.

Los Angeles Police have announced that they will no longer be detaining anyone based solely upon their immigration status.  The move has angered the now famous Murrieta protest group known nationally for blocking an ICE transport vehicle while en route to a local detainment facility. Apparently many members of the Murrieta group are now heading to Los Angeles to confront the issue, prompting anti-immigration activists in Los Angeles to oppose the move, stating, "they'll take our jobs!"

And finally, North Korea has fired two projectile weapons directly into the ocean.  Apparently, North Korean leader Kim Jong-un has declared that the people of the sea are all "lazy capitalist dogs"