Today in Headlines - Wednesday, September 16, 2015 - THE TRUMP-DOWN SPECIAL

White House officials believe the impending visit by Pope Francis may produce the single most extensive security undertaking in the nation's history.  Given the highly controversial stances taken by the papacy, Secret Service agents have enlisted the help of Central Intelligence and the FBI to assist in guarding his holiness.  The multi-agency effort will be dubbed Operation Bubble Boy.  

And in a related story, following his ascension to the Republican presidential front runner, mattress salesman Donald Trump has been issued his own Secret Service security detail along with a personal cryptonym to shield his identity from eavesdroppers.  From now until the upcoming election, candidate Trump will be known to Secret Service personnel as Codename: Turd Ferguson.

Two British tourists sailing off the coast of Central California were unexpectedly pummeled last week when a Humpback landed directly on top of them.  The pair were thrown from their boat but are otherwise unharmed.  According to witnesses on the scene, the massive seafaring mammal thrown into the water by a semi-popular anti-hero/drifter known commonly as Hancock.  Environmental activists and boating enthusiasts are reportedly calling for his prosecution.  

Immediately following the incident, Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump spoke out via Twitter, stating:

A cycling enthusiast writing for LAWeekly was left sorely disappointed after trekking across the entire length of the Los Angeles River biking trail.  His harrowing account tells of inconvenient detours through unsavory neighborhoods, and awkward encounters with the bathing homeless.  At one point, the rider meanders off coarse, eventually finding himself lost in a subterranean nest of ill-tempered morlocks.  The morlocks have been particularly testy these days following the inflammatory remarks of Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump, who callously stated "When those Morlocks send their people to the surface, they aren't sending their best."

Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump was recently described by Matthew Pressman of The Atlantic as, quote, "Reagan's Heir."  Many have equated Mr. Trump's overly simplistic worldview and total lack of candor to that of our 40th president, Mr. Ronald Wilson Reagan.  In addition to adopting Reagan's own person campaign slogan "Let's Make America Great Again," Trump also intends to craft his future policy initiatives in a form that is true to The Ronald.  Consequently, a potential Trump administration might be expected to take such action as:

      1.  Engage in illegal weapons transfers to the Iranians.

      2.  Topple the foreign governments of Brown people around the world.

      3. Fall asleep during vitally important National Security Council meetings.

      4.  Take a dump on the economy.

      5.  Relinquish the wife to Frank Sinatra. 

      6.  Reclassify ketchup as a vegetable.

And finally, the man speaks for himself.

"It's all right here, black and white, plain as the nose on my face.  Official, incontrovertible evidence...I am an idiot!"

Today in Headlines - Monday, September 14, 2015

Ranchers in Morgan Hill, California, made a shocking discovery after shooting an intrusive wild boar roaming their property.  Upon skinning the beast, an unidentified party, described by one Reddit user as "the in-laws," found that the animal's fat and muscle tissue exhibited an unnaturally bright hue of blue and red.  Further analysis concluded that the beast was made almost entirely out of Now and Laters taffy.  EPA officials are reportedly investigating prominent candy tycoon Willy Wonka for his possible involvement in what is being described as gross manipulation of the natural order.

Following the catastrophic data leak of what is essentially all Ashley Madison user information, reports have surfaced indicating that the website may have perpetrated an elaborate fraud upon it's predominantly male customer base.  As it turns out, nearly 90% of Madison's supposed female user accounts are actually sophisticated AI "bots" which are programmed to engage in light, often flirtatious conversation with married men who are eagerly seeking willing adulteresses.  Some male users began to sense that something was amiss when their steamy conversations took a peculiar turn:

After reaping untold millions from his record-setting Youtube following, video star Felix “Pewdiepie” Kjellberg has fulfilled a life-long dream by having two adorable puppies surgically attached to his upper torso.  The dogs have been grafted into his blood stream and will reportedly live on a similar diet of microwave burritos and fun-dip.  

Lauded independent film icon Quentin Tarantino has recently released his initial casting wishlist for several cornerstone productions such as Pulp Fiction, Reservoir Dogs and Jackie Brown.  Actors that made the would-be roster included:

While taking part in a recent PGA of America panel discussion, Republican presidential front runner Donald Trump shocked attendees by shamelessly defecating on himself during the initial Q&A.  At first, many thought that Trump was simply thinking very hard, but unfortunately for those in attendance that was not the case. 

A small cadre of middle eastern feminists held an impromptu counter-protest during a conservative Muslim speaking event in Pontoise last Saturday.  The women stormed the stage bare-chested, chanting slogans such as "No One Subjugates Me" and "I Am My Own Prophet."  The activists, known internationally as FEMEN, have drawn considerable ire from Islamic hardliners for their open challenge to the longstanding patriarchal archetypes that persist throughout the greater Muslim community.  Ironically, the topless FEMEN activists have received substantial support from a Chicago area group of pro-masculinity advocates identified as No Ma'am.

Firefighters battling dueling fires across areas of Central California described the aftermath of the blazes as "total destruction...like an apocalyptic wasteland."  Naturally, Hollywood film makers seized upon the widespread devastation, immediately pulling permits for the upcoming production of Borderlands: The Movie.

Gamers the world over are celebrating the 30th birthday of longtime video game mega-franchise, Super Mario Bros.  Mario is said to have marked the occasion with a low key get-together comprising only of close personal friends of similar age.  The group reportedly spent the evening playing Yahtzee and drinking Zima.  After which they had a round-table discussion on the importance of life insurance and the benefits of eating more fiber.

Today in Headlines - Friday, September 11, 2015

As part of an outrageously felonious rite de passage, 54-year-old Kent resident Nicola Austen purchased approximately a dozen bags of high-grade cocaine to be given out during her own daughter's 18th birthday party.  Authorities were said to be utterly stunned by the incredible lapse in parental judgement.  However, in her defense, Ms. Austen claims she was inspired by the best-selling self-help publication, Hard Narcotics for the Teenage Soul.

The judge eventually sentenced Nicola Austen to 90 days of hard labor.  All reports indicate that the immoral mother will serve out her time driving a hefty pickaxe through the petrified cocaine deposits lodged in Phil Spector's nostrils. 

A Florida woman became enraged with a Palm Beach area Sheriffs Deputy after receiving a costly citations for speeding.  As the officer headed back to his cruiser, the recently ticketed motorist shouted to him angrily, "No wonder you people get shot!"  To which the deputy responded, "Same to you lady, same to you."

During a panel discussion on the further exploration of Mars, renowned entrepreneur Elon Musk raised a startling proposition as to how the human race might successfully terraform the currently inhospitable surface, readying it for future human colonization. Specifically, Musk suggested dropping thermo-nuclear weapons over the red planet's seasonally icy poles.  Musk claimed that successive fusion blasts would release vast amounts of CO2 into the normally arid atmosphere, eventually resulting in a warming of the entire planet. 

Voicing of his bizarre scheme has unfortunately brought Musk plenty of criticism, not to mention mockery; inevitably earning him a hefty ribbing from top-dog funny-man Stephen Colbert, who suggested that Musk may be, in fact, some kind of international super-villain.  The multi-billionaire and private space agency guru spoke out firmly in his defense, proclaiming:

"This plan was thoroughly reviewed and approved by our notorious...ahem, I mean prestigious, board of directors."

A lot of white guys...I'm just sayin'.

National Geographic staff writer and Captain of the White Tower, Boromir, issued additional criticism of the plan, 

so eloquently pointing out:

In sports, Steelers wide receiver Antonio Brown unveiled an outrageous new hairstyle this week, much to the shock of loyal fans and sportscasters alike.  In fact, the peculiar cut may have led to some confusion during a recent ESPN interview, where in which Brown was asked point-blankly, "What exactly is your affiliation with New Jack City drug lord Nino Brown?"

Today in Headlines - Wednesday, September 9, 2015

Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis is in jail this evening after defying a federal judge who on Friday demanded that she comply with Federal and State laws by providing valid marriage certificates to same-sex couples.  Kim's case has drawn national attention as the embattled clerk sought every conceivable avenue to shirk her civic duty to uphold the law.  A small band of local gay marriage supports rallied outside the county jail, praising the judges decision to jail Davis, periodically chanting "Neener Neener Neener!"

Following a recent bankruptcy court settlement, lauded rapper/film star 50 Cent addressed mounting rumors of total financial ruin by showcasing his spacious new mansion which is said to be located in an undisclosed part of central Africa.  Cent, who's real name is Curtis James Jackson III, cheerfully proclaimed "my crib in Africa is almost done!"  Though, despite his cavalier attitude, court record's show that Jackson's once plentiful coffers may be close to running dry.  Although seemingly elegant, the new African estate was said to have cost the rapper little more than a herd of goats and a shoe-box full of Shalamar CDs.

Mexican national Roberto Esquivel Cabrera may go down in history as the bearer of the largest penis in modern history.  Weighing in at 2 lbs. 8 oz., the 19-inch member was first spotted in an obscure video posted by a then unknown user.  After gaining substantial notoriety for his monstrous appendage, Cabrera received solicitations from American porn companies such as popular industry mainstay Vivid, Inc.  Talks were reportedly stalled due to Mr. Cabrera's supposed outrageous demands, which agency reps claim:

"Far exceed reality."

A gold coast resident found herself in the hospital with broken bones and serious abrasions after a disgruntles Uber driver threw her out of a vehicle while traveling southbound on Rio Vista Boulevard in downtown Broadbeach.  The still unidentified driver became agitated when his passenger, 24-year-old Sascha Pengallo, failed to give him accurate directions.  

According to Ms. Pengallo, the driver angrily booted her out of the still moving vehicle, subsequently running over her leg, breaking it in two places.  The driver, who was introduced only as "Paul," was described as being particularly short, emaciated, and wreaking of high-grade marijuana.  

Internet truth-sayer Crooks and Liars has voiced caustic criticism of the supposed reform party conservatives who are presently standing at the forefront of Republican presidential hopefuls.  Staff writer Stephanie Bedo addresses the apparent moral disparity found within the far-right's quasi-populist message, promoting the unconditional shedding of vestments from the "establishment" party apparatus, while conveniently declining to drive out the consistently anti-reform Plutocrats whom are collectively bankrolling their entire political movement.  Party leader Pluto could not be reached for comment as he is a dog and does not talk.

As waves of migrants make their way through the Mediterranean, many on their way to Germany and Spain, small nation-states are struggling to handle the ever increasing traffic.  Officials on the Greek isle of Lesbos have called out neighboring countries for closing their borders to the migrating hordes, effectively causing a standstill in migrant traffic.  The migrants say they would like to move on from Lesbos, and will leave as soon as passage is ready.  Apparently, they are tired of playing softball, listening to the Indigo Girls and watching Nurse Jackie while stroking their fur babies.

Today in Headlines - Monday, September 7, 2015

As a part of his recent tour of northern Alaska, U.S. President Barack Obama will be appearing on a special upcoming episode of the Discovery channel hit show Running Wild with Bear Grylls.  The president is expected to pick up all kinds of useful tricks for surviving in the unpredictable wild, which he hopes will translate into his navigation of the U.S. political arena.  Bear reportedly instructed the POTUS on fire building, trapping of game, and how to fashion a sturdy economic platform out of rocks, sticks and leaves.

Also in political news, a new poll conducted by well-known conservative think-tank The Heritage Foundation, shows that roughly 65% of Republican voters believe that the President is, in fact, a Muslim, while 34% contend that he is not a U.S. citizen.  Additionally, an overwhelming number seem to believe that Illegal Immigrants place an unfair economic burden on the rest of the nation, and that gay couples should be barred from entering into legal marriage.  Further results are depicted on the graphic below:

Following the recent announcement by Secretary of State John Kerry, officially unveiling the complete U.S./Iran nuclear accord, Republican presidential front runner Donald Trump voiced his strong opposition through a rambling screed pockmarked with occasional self-congratulations as well as vague representations of his own knowledge of nuclear physics -drawing closely upon the knowledge of his own Uncle.  The full transcript of Trump's remarks can be read below:

    "Look, having nuclear—my uncle was a great professor and scientist and engineer, Dr. John Trump at MIT; good genes, very good genes, OK, very smart, the Wharton School of Finance, very good, very smart—you know, if you’re a conservative Republican, if I were a liberal, if, like, OK, if I ran as a liberal Democrat, they would say I'm one of the smartest people anywhere in the world—it’s true!—but when you're a conservative Republican they try—oh, do they do a number—that’s why I always start off: Went to Wharton, was a good student, went there, went there, did this, built a fortune—you know I have to give my like credentials all the time, because we’re a little disadvantaged—but you look at the nuclear deal, the thing that really bothers me—it would have been so easy, and it’s not as important as these lives are (nuclear is powerful; my uncle explained that to me many, many years ago, the power and that was 35 years ago; he would explain the power of what's going to happen and he was right—who would have thought?), but when you look at what's going on with the four prisoners—now it used to be three, now it’s four—but when it was three and even now, I would have said it's all in the messenger; fellas, and it is fellas because, you know, they don't, they haven’t figured that the women are smarter right now than the men, so, you know, it’s gonna take them about another 150 years—but the Persians are great negotiators, the Iranians are great negotiators, so, and they, they just killed, they just killed us."

Press agents covering the speech found Trump's aimless shucking and jiving to be quite insufferable.  Renowned New York Times correspondent Paul Krugman made clear his utter disappointment to Trump's newly placed campaign manager Corey R. Lewandowski, vehemently complaining: 

"I believe there is a stray hair in this word salad."

In a related story, Donald Trump received substantial jeering this week after confusing Iranian special forces referred to as "Quds" with the middle eastern ethnic minority known as the Kurds.  Trump dismissed the flap, quipping, "Kurds, Quds...Potato, Potato...we've got a family to feed."

Following the hotly contested non-proliferation treaty with Iran, U. S. lawmakers are expressing fresh concerns over Russia's ongoing arms sales to burgeoning Islamic republic. Opponents are calling for a possible arms embargo, citing rising tensions in the region and the longstanding allegation that Iran is a prolific supporter of international terrorism.  In response to this, Russian officials expressed concerns that U.S. arms sales to Iran may cut in on their own business.

"This very good, very good.  Made in Oklahoma."