Today in Headlines - Wednesday, May 27, 2015

In an obvious attempt to connect with younger voters, Democrats on Capitol Hill have taken to employing modern "text faces" in expressing their opposition's position on important social issues.  Just last Thursday, during a heated Senate debate on the renewal of Obamacare, Sen. Chris Murphy utilized a popular "kaomoji," commonly known as the Shruggie: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯, to exemplify the general right-wing consensus on affordable healthcare in America.  

Since then, other left-leaning politicians have followed suit, using trendy icons to illustrate their take on familiar Republican standpoints, as can be seen below:

Important ties between several former Soviet states and the European Union have suffered a major setback this week as the supposed "high pressure" sanctions imposed on an increasingly expansionist Russia have begun to wane in the face of greater regional backlash.  Many leaders of countries like Moldova, Georgia and the Ukraine have recently expressed deep disappointment with the EU's lack of follow-through, claiming that while hard-line rhetoric might effectively grab world-wide headlines, they have seen very little in terms of real-world results.  Some leaders have even threatened to boycott the upcoming Eastern Partnership summit at Riga, Latvia.  Even President Alexander Lukashenko of Belarus stated that while he was willing to attend the summit, he would not be going to the dancing-spree and ice cream social afterward.

Almost a week after the astonishing admission made by actress Kate Blanchet, revealing details on her occasional lesbian love trists, another well known red carpet icon, Ms. Tatum O'Neal, told Jezebel that she too has embarked on several lust-filled sapphic relationships.  Some media commentators believe that an increasing number of aging female entertainers are publicly revising their sexual identities in order to garner greater media attention, while others suggest that the shift is simply a byproduct of our modern times.  Whatever the circumstances, it appears that when it comes to the women of Hollywood, it's all about the meat-curtains.

A big-time real estate mogul in Larkspur, California, may be in hot water after state conservationist officials discovered that builders had covertly destroyed a rare indian burial ground in order to make way for multi-million dollar upscale housing project.  The cultural impact to the local Native American population has been devastating to say the least but, what most found particularly infuriating was the developer's cavalier attitude toward the whole issue.

"Ah, fuck it.  Just move the headstones. What's the worst that could happen?"

Yet another series of disturbing revelations have surfaced involving the ominous global surveillance effort currently being perpetrated by the U. S. National Security Agency.  According to documents release by the online news agency Intercept, the NSA, as part of a top secret program entitle "Irritant Horn," had planned to hijack popular "app" stores in order to embed spyware onto the personal devices of literally millions of unsuspecting users.  In response to heavy criticism, the NSA has claimed that the operation was an utter necessity in determining any possible terrorism related uses associated with popular digital "apps."

That was supposed to be the World Trade Center towers, but I was threatened 

with a moratorium on sexual intercourse, so...

Today in Headlines - Friday, May 22, 2015

The exhaustive search for missing Minnesota sorority sister Jennifer Houle has come to a tragic end this week after authorities discovered local surveillance footage that appeared to show the strange final moments of her life.  Investigators have concluded that Ms. Houle inexplicably leapt from the 10th Avenue bridge in downtown Minneapolis, taking a fatal plunge toward the torrential Mississippi River below.  Many, including Jennifer's parents, are still without a clear understanding as to why the incident even took place but, reportedly, all her friends were doing it.

Alabama school teacher Cindy Stephens has been suspended from school following her online commentary relating to the recent conviction of four area students who, as part of an elaborate senior prank, slurried an entire school parking lot with granulated chicken excrement.  Instructor Stephens took especial offense to the stunt, claiming she suffered a life-threatening allergy attack as a result.  On her Facebook page, Stephens posted a vulgar screed, indicating her wish for the boys to suffer sexual battery while incarcerated, stating: "My sincerest hope is that you become someone's bitch in jail."  Immediate reactions from students and administrators came out strongly against the post, with one reply stating: "My sincerest hope is that you work yourself into an early grave, receiving little pay and zero recognition."  

Travel agents are finding themselves hard-pressed to fill reservations for a certain chain of islands just recently made available to the tropical tourism industry.  As it turns out, many would-be travelers are especially weary of places that have, at one time or another, been home to filthy, decrepit lepers.  That's right, former leper islands are slowly being declared habitable and subsequently feeding much needed space into an increasingly strangulated market.  The lepers were reportedly all to happy to sell off their land, only asking in return that they receive plenty of leprosy tainted money and imported whores.  Leper whores, of course.

Josh Duggar, the confidence-driven older brother from TLC's 19 Kids and Counting, issued a formal public apology after being exposed as a vile pedophile freak who is believed to have abused several young girls over a ten year period, some of the girls among his own siblings. The devastating fallout from the scandal has cost the Duggar family their contract with TLC and has also resulted in Josh's removal from a prestigious position with the Family Research Council.  Luckily, for young Duggar, there is little indication that criminal charges will be filed against him now or at any time in the future.  Additionally, a local county judge has gone so far as to order that all investigative files be destroyed immediately.  Those most critical of how authorities have handled the Duggar family affair were left asking whether the American justice system is even moderately capable of prosecuting those of celebrity status.

Many young twitter users the world over have recently taken part in what is being called the "Charlie Charlie Challenge."  Like Bloody Mary and the Candy Man before him, Charlie is supposed to be a Mexican demon who, when properly summoned, can give alarmingly accurate responses to most "yes or no" questions.  In addition to rattling the entire global religious community, many other darkly beings have found their natural order disturbed by "Charlie's" sudden rise to fame.

"So, what? Am I just not relevant anymore? Is that it? I killed a fucking unicorn, dammit."

Today in Headlines - Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Counter-terrorism experts are somewhat befuddled over the extraordinarily odd selection of books and magazines seized from the Attatobad compound that once served as a safe-house to world famous terror broker Osama bin Laden.  Among the material cataloged by investigators were works covering subjects such as global economics, regional military history and strangely enough, video game strategy.  Several of these guides were found among bin Laden's most accessible tomes, this supposedly due to a deep interest in several modern warfare game titles, not to mention a few of the classics.  Here we clearly see the profound effect that Super Pitfall© had on the siege at Tora Bora:

Anthony Brutto began his journey through the world of higher education in 1936, pursuing a degree in engineering from the University of West Virginia.  As fate would have it, young Brutto would be sent to fight in the European theater at the onset of World War II, effectively putting his scholastic pursuits on hold.  Now, at the ripe old age of 94, the veteran and father has at last earned his long sought after diploma.  When asked what took so long, the graduate cited a series of setbacks which caused his life to derail time and again, perpetually putting off his academic career with no end in sight.  However, those close to Anthony say he had simply become fixed in campus life and naturally found it very hard to break away.

A stupid Floridian has made a total ass of himself this week after a misdirected fit of rage not only landed him with substantial auto-repair costs, but also a possible stint in the county jail.  After a heated argument over bad business dealings, Ryan T. Smith exited a former friend's residence to retrieve a steel crowbar from the trunk of his car.  Smith then proceeded to bash the frame and windows of a vehicle which happened to be parked outside the former friend's home.  Unfortunately, the vehicle belonged to a next-door neighbor who found himself angered and confused upon discovering the destructive scene.  The nature of the incident does, of course, beg the following question:  Does Walter imitate life, or does life imitate Walter?

In the glamorous high stakes world of professional poker, man has officially bested machine this week.  Competitors from around the country converged on Carnegie Mellon University in Pittsburgh to go head to head with their resident card shark "Claudicio," a highly sophisticated computer program capable of engaging up to four players at a time while calculating complex real-time stratagems to crush it's opponents.  Unfortunately, the artificial contender fell far short of developers' expectations, ultimately allowing the humans to obtain a cumulative lead of about $730,000 over just 3 days.  Technicians who commented after the match said that while the current results are disappointing, they will press on.  Early reports indicate the team is are already grooming a far more worthy challenger.

Massachusetts based radio station WRKO announced today that it will be dropping The Rush Limbaugh Show from its regular daytime lineup.  According to industry insiders, Limbaugh had become extremely bad for business, with many advertisers simply refusing to be associated with his name.  WRKO did not disclose where they plan to drop Limbaugh, but it is believed he will be unloaded somewhere over the Serengeti.

Today in Headlines - Monday, May 18, 2015

Television dancing favorite and political wack-job heiress Bristol Palin has unexpectedly terminated her plans to wed renowned serviceman Dakota Meyer.  Meyer, who is a Medal of Honor recipient, expressed dismay and surprise over the announcement, taking to social media, tweeting: 

"It all happened so fast.  This morning I got up and she had completely cut off my nuptials."

Since the press release, Bristol has been virtually inundated with requests to elaborate on her comments.  With rumor and innuendo having surrounded the couple for months as it is, many sources close to the Palins have attempted to fill the informational void with sporadic disclosures.  According to those insider reports, Bristol had uncovered a ghastly secret that she and her hubby-to-be simply could not reconcile -the fact that Dakota is, quite literally, made entirely of Silly Puddy.

With the NBA quarter finals now underway, Clippers' head coach Doc Rivers is under increased pressure to deliver an historic change-up for a franchise which victory has mockingly eluded for so long.  Over the past 45 years the Clippers have routinely failed to penetrate beyond the second-round playoffs but, with cautious optimism, many fans and sports journalists alike have ventured to suggest that this may be at long last the season of change.  While obviously confident, Rivers has been careful not to indulge, stating, 'I don't think we need to blow this thing up."

To which the Joker responded: "I wholeheartedly agree."

City officials in San Francisco say they have been forced to take serious legal action against a popular Haight-Ashbury area McDonald's restaurant after receiving literally hundreds of complaints involving the establishment since its opening just 6 months ago.  Many of the complaints allege that dirty, smelly hippies use the grounds as a location to "kick it" and "smoke bud."  Additionally, arrests in the area show a much higher rate for possession of drugs like LSD, ecstasy and marijuana.  Some critics have even gone so far as to blame the actual McDonald's menu for attracting the drug-addled crowd, in particular the recent addition of a Deluxe McShroom Burger. 

Film and tech enthusiasts were a-buzz yesterday upon the release of new on-set photos depicting stage and screen actor Michael Fassbender in his most recent role as celebrated inventor and developer Steve Jobs.  Jobs, whose prestigious career with Apple Inc., jettisoned him into nerdist super-stardom as, perhaps, one of the greatest minds of the past 100 years, tragically died in 2011 of complications resulting from resurgent pancreatic cancer.  He was 56 years old.  The much anticipated production entitled "Steve Jobs", features a smartly dressed Fassbender sporting the patent Steve Jobs turtleneck, a look which prompted many in the fashion world to speculate a possible rise in appealability for the constrictive garment.  Media reports indicate that aging actress Diane Keaton was particularly titillated by this news and had immediately dispatched her operatives to clean out all available stocks along the eastern seaboard.

72-year old Louisville resident Fred Habermel is reportedly suing local treatment facility Norton Medical amid claims that lab technicians lost a section of his brain.  Mr. Habermel recently underwent an experimental procedure during which neurosurgeons removed a portion of grey matter that was ultimately intended to be injected back into its proper place within his cranium.  Hospital administrators revealed today that their own internal investigation has uncovered significant signs of theft, prompting them to wonder aloud: "What would anyone possibly want with two brains?"

Today in Headlines - Friday, May 15, 2015

In a series of correspondences recently released by the U.K. Government, Sir Charles, Prince of Wales, pleaded with then Prime Minister Tony Blair to deal with the growing threat of tuberculosis in cattle by initiating an immediate culling of badgers across the British Isles.  In an apparent snub to the crown, Blair issued an indirect response via his foreign minister who iterated: 

"I am afraid...we are out...of badgers...would you accept...a wolverine...in it's place?"

Now for our lead story:  Amtrak officials in Philadelphia are scrambling to identify the cause of a horrifying derailment that left several dead and dozens wounded.  Sources say that the train was traveling nearly twice the speed permitted for the area, at times even reaching close to 100mph.

Massachusetts based toy manufacturer Schylling has finally caved to mounting pressure from consumer advocates by ordering a nationwide recall of their police model "Press & Go" toy automobile.  Spokesmen for Schylling expressed sympathy and explained that the company would do everything necessary to address public concerns about its product line.  The recall itself was said to be prompted by an apparent choking hazard.

Police in Jefferson Parish are in the national spotlight this week after detaining an eighth grader who allegedly threw a bag of skittles candies at a fellow classmate while riding a school-bus.  Advocates for the boy claim that actions taken by campus police were overzealous at the very least, and at worst driven by racial bias.  The incident raises grim recollections for those who still recall the strange involvement of skittles candies in the targeting of 17-year-old Florida teenager Trayvon Martin, who was tragically shot and killed by trigger-happy busybody George Zimmerman back in 2012.  Black community leaders are calling for manufacturer Mars, Inc., to apply a distinctive label upon the Skittles wrapper, clearly identifying potential risks posed to the African-American consumer base.

After nearly 4 years in state custody, three nuns, Sister Mandy, Sister Mary and Sister Megan, have finally flown the coop.  The self proclaimed "nuclear activists" were arrested in 2012 for penetrating a high-level storage facility in Oak Ridge, Tennessee, and were subsequently charged with violating the Sabotage Act of 1918.  Judges with the 6th circuit U.S. Court of Appeals voted 2-1 in favor of overturning all convictions but not before issuing a stern warning, instructing the trio, quote "don't make it a habit."