Today in Headlines - Friday, July 25, 2014

On Wednesday, hip-hop rap star Snoog Doggy Dogg admitted to late night's Jimmy Kimmel that he had, in fact, smoked marijuana at the White House.  The toking was said to have taken place during a Kennedy Center ceremony honoring performing artists.  This wouldn't be the first time a famous person has used mind altering substances at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.  Actor River Phoenix once shot up in the Lincoln bathroom, Oliver Stone ate some mushrooms he found in the White House rose garden, and former New York City Mayor Marion Barry smoked a rock of crack under the desk of the oval office.

Crossdressing multimillionaire/murder suspect Robert Durst has turned himself in to Dallas Police after reports surfaced that he urinated on a rack of candies located inside a local CVS pharmacy.  On an unrelated note, Clippers owner Donald Sterling was once again spotted taking a dump on his reputation.

A State Department spokesman said this week that the ISIS is no long just a terrorist group but has evolved into a "full-blown army."  In a related story, musician and Levi Strauss spokesman Ted Nugent is no longer just a douche-bag but, rather, has developed into a full-blown asshole.

Defense attorneys for Joseph Wood are requesting an independent investigation be opened into the botched execution of their client at the hands of the State of Arizona correctional system.  Wood lay gasping and twitching for nearly two hours before finally succumbing to the lethal cocktail administered, the contents of which are still unknown.  Senator John McCain quickly seized on the tragedy, declaring Wood's execution "torture," stating, "what does it say when an American execution takes two hours, and the North Koreans can shoot a man out of a cannon and into a mountain in less than 60 seconds.  That's just sad."

Tea Party affiliated Republican candidate Scott Esk has come under national scrutiny for advocating the public stoning of gay people here in the U.S.  An Oklahoma based journalist, Rob Morris, apparently uncovered the inflammatory statements from an online comment board on which the candidate remarks, "I think we would be totally in the right to do it...ignoring as a nation things that are worthy of death is very remiss."  In addition to cleansing our society of gays by killing them with rocks, Esk is also calling for migrant children to be fed to lions, non-christians to be impaled on Festivus poles, and environmentalists to be crucified on trees, and not crosses as was originally thought.