Today in Headlines - Monday, July 14, 2014

Amoebas have eaten the eyeballs of a 23-year-old Taiwanese undergraduate named Lian Kao.  Apparently Ms. Kao had not changed her contact lenses in over 6-months, creating a perfect breeding ground for bacteria munching amoebas to root deeply into her corneas and ultimately robbing her of her sight.  

In addition to her poor optical hygiene, Ms. Kao had reportedly gone without changing her undergarments for over a year.  Allowing a colony of pubic crabs to really, quote, "dig in."

Former prisoner of war Bowe Bergdahl has been discharged from a military rehabilitation facility in Texas and is set to return to active duty just six-weeks after being released from captivity with the Taliban.  When told he would be staying in Texas to carry out his duties, Bergdahl promptly wandered off base and joined the nearest Mexican Cartel.  

The incomparable Christopher Walken will play Captain James Hook in NBC's live production of "Peter Pan," to be aired this December.  Chairman Bob Greenblatt, who placed Walken at the helm of the famous Jolly Roger, said the actor is in rare form, stating, "he's already pushed five women overboard."

Singer, Songwriter, and former Beatle, Paul McCartney was spotted early Sunday night hanging out with business magnate Warren Buffet outside a popular frozen yogurt eatery in downtown Dundee, located in Omaha, Nebraska.  The pair were apparently caught in an impromptu selfie taken by former Harry Potter star Daniel Radcliffe.

An "unofficial" teaser for the much anticipated fourth season of the FX hit program "American Horror Story" was released to an eager public today. The meager glimpse was more than enough to kick up a whirlwind of speculation as to what the new installment, entitled "Freak Show," may have in store for viewing audiences.  Keeping with the freak show motif, creators Ryan Murphy and Brad Falchuk are acquiring actual sideshow folk in order to really permeate the strange and the sad into their new production.    

The 2012 Republican Primary Candidates

In legal news this week, a district court judge determined that Guantanamo Bay prisoners are not "persons" entitled to religious protections under current U.S. laws.  Defense for the prisoners argued that if corporations can achieve "personhood," and receive protections like those granted in the recent "Hobby Lobby" ruling, then so should Gitmo Detainees.  The case has already raised important questions about the federal government's right to grant or deny personhood as it sees fit.  Those up next to receive such legal distinctions include:

The Hague, Max Headroom, and Donald Trump's hairpiece.