Today in Headlines - Wednesday, November 19, 2014

A political slugfest has broken out over a recent push for net neutrality on Capitol Hill.  Almost immediately following the President's grand endorsement calling for tough new measures from the FCC to preserve the status quo, the Republican opposition, namely Senator of Texas and known eraser head, Ted Cruz, came out ferociously swinging, calling the plan "Obamacare for the Internet."  In response to this, former SNL comedian turned Senate heavyweight Al Franken of Minnesota claims that Cruz does not at all grasp the concept of net neutrality and describes his comparison to Obamacare as clearly off-base.  In his usual conciliatory tone, the statesman went on to say, "this has not been Ted's best policy stance, and that's...okay."

Recent events in the Middle East have sparked a callous brand of jokes to creep up in the collective consciousness of the regional peoples.  Just today, youngsters in Tel Aviv were heard bantering about with what seems to qualify as a real knee slapper:

What do you get when a Rabbi, a Police Officer and an American walk into a synogogue in downtown Jerusalem?

Apparently, stabbed in the neck.

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg was recently pressed to answer questions regarding his bizarre choice in wardrobe, essentially donning the same grey shirt everyday for the past several years.  Some have wondered if this was a trend started by Zuckerberg, or if he simply caught on to a good idea and made it his own.  The Facebook founder repeatedly insisted the idea was his and his alone, that he did not steal it from anyone, and that any charges to the contrary can by dealt with quietly through an out of court settlement.  

Researchers with the Lancet Medical Journal have recently put forth a groundbreaking new theory about music and it's effect on the human psyche.  Studies found that listening to certain types of hip hop music can actually have a positive effect on mood and outlook.  For example, songs like "Juicy" from Notorious B.I.G., and Grandmaster Flash's "The Message," were said to invoke feelings of empowerment and self-healing.  While songs like "My Humps" by Fergie, or "Blurred Lines" by Robin Thicke, may give one the feeling of being a total fucking idiot. 

College Freshman Nolan Michael Burch was found unresponsive and without a pulse in a bustling Frat House in Morgantown, West Virginia.  Just hours before his fatal accident, Burch would post a tweet stating, "It's about to be a very eventful night to say the least."  Unfortunately, investigators are still attempting to piece together those so-called "events" in order to explain how Nolan would wind up in the battered condition that would ultimately lead to his demise just two days later.  Police say they have few leads, but have named a single person of interest in connection with the incident, one Frederick O'Bannion, a 19-year-old undergraduate who reportedly has a serious penchant for hazing supple young freshmen.

International criticism is overwhelmingly mounting against a controversial new plan being staged by the regional government of Myanmar, that some are describing as an obvious program for ethnic cleansing.  Approximately 100,000 Rohingya people have been placed into squalid "transition" camps as part of an effort to force out the minority population, to where nobody seems to know.  Human rights groups have expressed deep concerns over the end result of this aggressive new initiative, a "final solution" if you will, that proceeds nearly two decades of unhindered persecution during which there was widespread seizures of wealth and land, leaving the community utterly decimated.  The initiative comes at an inconvenient time for the U.S., an in particular President Obama, who has recently touted the republic as a foreign policy success story, calling it "a beacon of freedom and democracy."  When asked about the ongoing brutality toward the Rohingya people, White House spokesmen dismissed concerns, asking, "When has segregating an extremely downtrodden and unpopular group of people by sticking them in camps ever gone horribly, horribly wrong?"

Today in Headlines - Monday, November 17, 2014

The Vice President of Uber Technologies is in hot water this week over comments he made during a recent interview with Bloomberg Television.  In it he described his efforts to "dig up dirt" on reporters who wrote unfavorably about the still flowering business.  VP Emil Michael stated he considered the practice "fair play," and thoroughly rejected the notion of any impropriety.  Most recently it was learned that Emil had utilized his company's "god view" street monitoring software to track the movements of journalists he meant to target.  When confronted about the ethical questions raised by such activities, Mr. Michael simply laughed them off, again insisting his methods are totally legitimate, citing the curriculum he learned while attending the J. Edgar Hoover School of Business.

Here a glazed eyed Emil poses cheerfully after having just smoked the First Amendment

Over 40,000 Masai pastoralists are currently living under the threat of eviction from their ancestral homelands which lay in the "wildlife corridor" between Tanzania and the Serengeti.   Despite a solemn promise issued by the local government over a year ago, stating that the Masai people may retain their long-held territories, plans for a massive hunting reserve are still moving forward.  According to civic planners, the reserve would cater to the most prestigious of customers, such as the Dubai royal family, Emirs from the U.A.E., and other elites from around the globe.  Supporters of the Masai claim the local government is using heavy handed intimidation tactics to force the native people out, often making false claims of settlement, and then withdrawing their commitments without explanation or warning.  Americans have been reluctant to respond to the growing humanitarian crisis, citing the strong arm tactics and total disregard for the rights of indigent people as a sure sign that American ideals are finally taking hold in the developing region.

A crazy man from the Hesse province of Germany has reportedly blown himself up after an intense family feud that left friends and neighbors clamoring to help the troubled clan regain control of their calamitous lives.  According to eye witness reports, the deceased, who, due to Germany's strict privacy laws will not be named, was seen storming out of his home following a heated argument with immediate family, then climbing inside of his SUV and sped away.  Police say there was no indication whatsoever that the man would take such grim action, even though he was licensed to possess explosive chemicals, displayed moods often described as volatile, maintained combustible relationships with those around him, and had yelled to his kin just before detonation, quote, "I'm so angry, I could just explode."

Experts with the Dicking Institute of Human Behavior are not pleased with the recent cover photo produced by Paper magazine, in which a semi nude Kim Kardashian is featured engaging in provocative poses, with the caption reading "Kim Kardashian - Break the Internet.  Derrick Clifton, a writer with the internet publication Identities Mic, suggested that the tawdry depiction may, in fact, be yet another inappropriate emulation of mythologized black anatomy, stating, quote "It presents a big problem, a big, round, well proportioned problem.  One that we all must give our utmost attention to, and spend obscene amounts of time focusing on, whether at home, at work, or in the shower....excuse me."

Earlier this week, Veterans Affairs Chief Bob McDonald announced he will be creating a new departmental office within his very troubled agency.  The recently appointed Customer Service Chief will be charged with the execution and upkeep of a sweeping campaign to overhaul the agency's system of dealing with it's many neglected healthcare recipients.  After being briefed on the dysfunctional state of the VA, the incoming customer service specialist replied simply, "Well, I did not know that."

Today in Headlines - Friday, November 14, 2014

A disgruntled white-trash motorist was arrested last Thursday night after confessing to his involvement in a deadly hit and run accident that claimed the life of one Toussaint Harrison, a 32-year-old resident of Sacramento, California.  The driver, who was clearly drunk at the scene, made no apologies for running down Mr. Harrison, and apparently had the audacity to place blame the tragedy on sitting President, Barack Hussein Obama, who he claims gives black Americans an undue feeling of exceptionalism and empowerment.  The murderous motorist has been formally charged with vehicular manslaughter and could face a term of life in prison. When asked for comment on his current disposition, the accused belligerently responded with:  "That's fuckin' gay!"

Earlier this week, in Malheur County, Ontario, a group of city landscape workers made the perplexing discovery of over 89 cats, all widely varying in age and size, living in a broken down Ford E350 Van parked along the Madawaska river.  Humane authorities have removed the animals and the city has taken possession of the dilapidated vehicular living space.  According to city records, the van is registered to 34-year-old Matt Foley, a discredited motivational speaker with a history of vagrancy and public drunkenness. 

During a particularly embarrassing visit to the emergency room at Brampton Civil hospital in the fall of 2012, Walter Fish underwent an invasive rectal exam after complaining about severe gastrointestinal problems. Unbeknownst to Mr. Fish, two of the attending individuals, whom he had believed to be doctors, were actually professional actors working for the CTV medical drama Saving Hope. Walter, who has just recently brought a lawsuit against Brampton Civic Hospital, claims he was subjected to what amounts to assault and battery, as well as a serious breach of privacy.  The incident is similar to one that occurred in 2011 involving renowned T.V. doctor Gregory House, who began randomly poking at patients with his cane while subjecting them to his usual brand of dry, black humor and rapier like wit.

A man working at a construction site in downtown Phoenix was found mildly injured and dehydrated after spending approximately 36 hours trapped inside of a newly furbished wall.  The middle aged construction worker stated that he had walled himself up in his usual manner with the intention of later breaking out to kill unsuspecting teenagers but, for whatever reason, he was unable to free himself and was subsequently forced to rely on emergency services to extract him.  His employer, Satan, could not be reached for comment, but was said to be somewhat embarrassed by the apparent shortcomings of his minion.

Members of the Edinburgh Council on Drug Prevention and Teen Outreach have caused a considerable uproar after unveiling a new "snapfacts" pamphlet due to be released to area schools sometime early next year.  The taxpayer funded publication is filled with what organizers call "accurate, non-judgmental" information aimed at educating potential users (ages 13 - 24) on not only the potential dangers of casual and habitual substance abuse, but also clever ways to "safely" pursue drug experimentation.  Specifically, the informational states that MDMA users should at first try only half a pill in order to lessen the risk of potential overdose.  It also suggests that cocaine users regularly wash their nose after each use. Agnes Morrison of the Maxie Richards Foundation, a non-profit organization dedicated to helping young teens avoid the pitfalls of drug addiction and it's ghastly side-effects, states "I've never come across anything like this."

Residents of the Shinagawa district in Tokyo found themselves scratching their collective heads this week after 49 manhole covers were suddenly blown several feet into the air during mid-morning traffic.  The mind-boggling event took place in the downtown region of the city, no damages were reported, though many were left shocked and confused. Flabbergasted city officials are pressing engineers to determine the exact cause of the mysterious happening, which they say has had a chilling effect on local business.  A persistent theory centers on the recent visitation of black gay porn actor and sex tourist Melvin White, who reportedly loves blowing manholes wide open.





Animals rights groups are up in arms this week after ranchers in rural Ireland callously decided to slaughter a bull that they say had habitually mounted other bulls in an effort to have sex with them.  The supposed gay bull was scheduled to be terminated later this week, but according to recent reports, plans are now in place to transport the wayward bovine to a sanctuary noted for it's specific catering to the LGBT animal community.

Today in Headlines - Wednesday, November 12, 2014

According to Wass Up magazine, revered actor/comedian Paul Reubens has announced that he will soon be reprising his legendary role as Pee Wee Herman in a full length motion picture scheduled to be released in late 2015.  Public interest in the character has apparently reached an all time high, largely due to the success of an energetic new stage show launched in 2011, the first three shows of which quickly sold out to hordes of young adults, many of whom still remember the glory days of Pee Wee's Playhouse.  Mr. Reubens was said to be thoroughly invigorated by his triumphant return to the stage, stating: 

"Theater has always been very exciting for me."

On Wednesday, President Obama informed the American public and the world at large that the United States and China have established what is being called a historic new accord aimed at maintaining stricter standards on carbon emissions while producing more efficient forms of renewable energy.  News of the deal comes hot on the heals of other recent political ground shakers, such as the impending executive action on immigration and the much lauded push toward net neutrality.  Some could not help but speculated that the recent announcements, which have generally received broad-based approval from the American public, are being timed for maximum political effect, coming so soon after the recent election season during which Republicans fared unusually well.  Mad TV recurring character Eugene Struthers, briefly commented on the President's maneuvering, stating, "He took it to a whole 'notha level."

A 19 year old security flaw in Microsoft Windows has apparently prompted swift action from technical services this week.  The troublesome glitch was reportedly causing many users to experience unwanted shutdowns and/or a total system failure.  Additionally, many computers were left without adequate firewall protections, leaving many with serious concerns about the security of their personal financial data.  Luckily, support staff created an effective new software patch to close the dangerous loophole through which the breach had occurred. Credited with the ingenious new update is Microsoft patch expert, One-Eyed Willie. 

Comedy Central host Daniel Tosh recently made waves after his masterful take-down of the ESPN production team responsible for creating a new feature for their primetime lineup called the "Awesome Video Segment." Tosh claims the set up is an obvious rip-off of his patent "Web Redemption" series, during which notoriously embarrassed individuals are allowed the supposed chance to redeem themselves through comical reenactments of their viral blunders. Mr. .0 was reportedly peeved over such a blatant act of plagiarism, wondering aloud what the state of cable television had come to when a man's uniquely honed comedy routine can be openly pirated for the cheap antics of a talentless up and comer, to which late 90's Talk Soup host John Henson sarcastically quipped:

"Oh, not so nice now that the shoe is on the other show, now is it?"

Internet services company Mozilla, Incorporated, is gleefully celebrating it's 10 year anniversary this week, marking an entire decade of poor plugin management and endless script debugging. Since the good-old-days of version 1.0, Firefox has consistently held it's place as the browser that is only slightly better than Internet Explorer.  The momentous occasion was initially intended to be commemorated earlier this month, but was postponed due to buffering.

Today in Headlines - Monday, November 10, 2014

A well known eatery in downtown Pittsburgh has recently come under attack over it's daring promotion of tolerance toward countries often considered to be official "enemies of the state," including Iran, North Korea, and Venezuela.  Manager Jon Rubin stated that the restaurant staff became increasingly fearful of opening the doors each day for business after receiving numerous death threats from disgruntled ideologues who clearly choose terror and intolerance over peace and understanding.  The NYPD is actively investigating the matter but, as of yet, have not named a prime suspect.  Inside sources say that detectives may have a person of interest: 

With the fifth season of American Horror Story well under way, many fans are eagerly anticipating the inevitable conclusion of the latest tale of depravity and woe.  One enthusiast, known online as Red Herry, has gone so far as to post a well thought out synopsis detailing what he believes will be the concluding series of events to wrap up the remaining episodes.  The shows creator Ryan Murphy has thoroughly dismissed such interpretations and clearly states that none of the amateur theories he has reviewed thus far have had any basis in truth.  All the same, loyal fans have taken the liberty of constructing elaborate explanations for many of the program's mysterious quirks, with some suggesting that a definable pattern within the plot reveals striking connections between the seemingly unrelatable characters that grace the successive seasons.  After an exhaustive analysis, this office has found that such consistent traits do exist, they include: (a) being highly overrated, and (b) wrapping up each season with an annoyingly anti-climactic stumble that leaves many wondering how long before The Walking Dead comes back on.

Former actress turned Hollywood squatter Amanda Bynes has reportedly hit rock bottom.  According to baseless innuendo, the once lauded pop icon is now completely penniless, often resorting to bumming rides and "crashing" with friends to survive.  In fact, one source has indicated that Bynes was spotted casually napping in a local shopping mall.  Hot Dog on a Stick employee Holly Niles was startled by the discovery of an unconscious and possible drug-addled Bynes, who was found snugly wrapped in a golden sheath of fried corn batter. Clearly, she was mistaken for just another piece of meat.

Visitors of a popular nude beach in the Canary Islands got an unwelcome surprise when they spotted a boat full of feverish African immigrants climbing out of their waterlogged vessel and onto a sunny, sparkling shore almost exclusively populated by vacationing Brits.  Beachgoers became utterly panic-stricken upon realizing the sickly state of many on-board, with concerns still running high after a recent worldwide Ebola scare.  Strangely, the incident harkens back to an earlier time in history when the original dark skinned inhabitants of the island paradise watched as disease ridden Europeans climb out of their ramshackle boats covered in small pox and syphilis.

Walt Disney Studios has announced the official title and release date of the much anticipated 7th installment in the groundbreaking science fiction film franchise known internationally as Star Wars.  Diehard fans were generally elated last Wednesday, after learning that the newest chapter will be dubbed "The Force Awakens," and is expected to be released to theaters nationwide as early as December, 2015.  Despite all the hype, some are less excited than others, with many fearing that the next round of films will be just as disappointing as that certain 1999 release entitled Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace.  If previous attempts at a Star Wars revival are any indication of what to expect in 2015, by the time the Force Awakens, the audience may be sound asleep.

Viewers were shocked Thursday morning as C-SPAN anchor Steve Scully scrambled to grab the reigns of his early A.M. panel show, The Washington Journal.  An outspoken conservative caller had initially been using his airtime to call out fellow Republicans, warning them to proceed moderately after a successful election season.  But, things quickly turned ugly when the caller suggested that the political right would not be able to resist a sweeping approach in the legislature since they, quote "hate that n----- Obama."  The inappropriate language quickly prompted the show's producers to cut the caller off, and Scully issued a formal apology.  It was later discovered that the mysterious foul-mouthed contributor was, in fact, Woodcrest resident and self-hating black man, Uncle Ruckus.

Ultra-conservative talk show host Glenn Beck has stunned loyal viewers this week with the surprise revelation that he suffers from a rare neurological disorder (one that doctors can't seem to fully understand) and says that for an extensive period of time he has suffered in silence, not knowing what was wrong with him or how to address it.  Beck cited his moderately popular XM radio show as a meaningful pillar of support which has kept him going through this dark hour.  At this point, it's unclear how much of Beck's programming has been effected by his major malfunction, preliminary diagnosis has ranged from nuttier than a fruitcake to just a few sandwiches short of a picnic.  Apparently, sponsors are beginning to worry that if Glenn seeks treatment, he may not be able to deliver the usual bat shit crazy material his fans have come to expect over the years.

Today in Headlines - Wednesday November 5, 2014

McDonalds Corporation is in hot water this week after a lower appeals court ruled that Plaintiff Boris Khanimov could proceed with his lawsuit against the fast food giant for what he claims was gross negligence.  The complaint, filed by Mr. Khanimov, states that the hot tea he received from a downtown Brooklyn franchise had, quote "burned him because it was served at an unreasonably or excessively hot temperature."  The Plaintiff was seriously injured when a cup which was filled to the brim with scolding hot water had accidentally splashed onto his chest, resulting in 3rd degree burns that are expected to require years of expensive physical therapy.  Upon being released from the hospital, Mr. Khanimov promptly retained the services of fictional Seinfeld lawyer Jackie Chiles, who immediately instructed his client to avoid any balms, topical ointments, and/or dermatological creams. 

  

As Brisbane detectives poured through the contents of a smartphone belonging to 20-year-old Jenna Louise Driscoll, who initially stood accused of drug trafficking, they quickly discovered what appeared to be crude pornographic videos depicting Ms. Driscoll engaging in sexual congress with a rather large and clearly excitable bloodhound.  According to the Queensland penal code, a charge of bestiality carries a term of at least 2 years in prison and a fine of up to $500,000.  Ms. Driscoll defends herself by claiming that she was lured into the depraved practice, known in fetish circles as "knotting," by a scraggly haired pimp known casually as "Shaggy."  Apparently, Shaggy had duplicitously contrived to get young Jenna hooked on Scooby Snackes, and subsequently pressured her to, quote: "Like, let the homey hit it."

Party conservatives in Anchorage, Alaska cheered wildly for their victorious candidate, Republican Dan Sullivan, who has successfully ousted Democrat incumbent Mark Begich from his prized Senate seat. The victory gala was described by one attendant as a bloodthirsty frenzy of intolerant white people run horribly amok.

Two top level officers at the Warren Nuclear Air Force Base outside Laramie, Wyoming, have been effectively relieved of duty following numerous reports of gross misconduct and a total lack of company leadership.  The pair have received substantial demotions and will carry out the remainder of their service in low level positions with no hope for career advancement.  The news comes almost one year after the firing of Maj. Michael Carey, who was accused of binge drinking and overseeing critical lapses in essential security.  Unbelievably, the recently reprimanded pair had done something far more egregious.  Having both been caught illegally accessing the missile control systems which they had planned to use for their own juvenile amusement.  

Alayne Fleischmann, the whistle-blower who courageously exposed the ongoing criminality perpetrated by JP Morgan Chase in the days preceding the 2008 economic collapse, is finally telling her story.  As a young and perhaps inexperienced securities lawyer, Alayne found it increasingly difficult to witness the broad-reaching larceny being worked upon customers, often comparing it to "watching an old lady getting mugged on the street."  Eventually, the honest and determined young Fleischmann would gather secretly recorded evidence and present her case to a court of law.  Chase reportedly paid out a substantial settlement in order to keep Alayne's testimony out of the mainstream media, earning her the aptly placed nickname, "the $9 Billion witness."  A hefty sum compared to the meager $37.50 dispersed to a local base-head by the name of Hoey Bagoey, who adamantly claims that Bank of America is a cover for the 6th Reich and that nano transmitters have been covertly laced into the nation's toothpaste supply. 

Proponents of a basic universal income are now claiming that by instituting such benefits quickly, the U.S. Government would no doubt save our country's workforce from the impending job-market takeover brought on by the fruition of robot technology.  It is widely believed that many bottom rung service jobs will soon be fulfilled by sophisticated mechanical underlings.  A revolutionary idea that is causing many working class Americans to become increasingly concerned about the already sickly status of our national employment outlook.  Reserving these positions for humans might be a tough sell considering the superior capabilities of a viable android workforce, which would be completely free of tiredness, boredom or hunger. 

An assertion to which Hedonism Bot responded, "Who said what now?"

According to recent studies, many rice based cereals are showing unusually high levels of a potentially deadly compound known as arsenic.  In fact, earlier this week EU Health Authorities declared that a up to 58% of American breakfast cereal brands had tested well above the legal limit for arsenic content.  The finding could prove harmful not only to children world wide, but also the dry cereal industry at large.  One individual who was quite elated by the news was, of course, that pinch-faced, bitch of a Grandmother from the chilling 1987 movie classic, Flowers In the Attic.

Today in Headlines - Monday, November 3, 2014

Investigators in Mojave, California, are attempting to determine the cause of a deadly crash that took place last Friday, and tragically claimed the life of at least one pilot and two passengers.  The incident occurred during a routine test flight of the new Virgin Galactic SpaceShipTwo.  Everything was going as planned until the craft suddenly began veering sharply off coarse, a catastrophic loss of control ultimately sent the tortured vessel plummeting towards the earth.  Analysts continue their efforts to account for what exactly went wrong, some pointing to pilot error as a possible factor.  This theory was greatly substantiated when it was revealed that the navigator in question was none other than Saturday Night Live recurring character, Toonces the Driving Cat.

The Floridian city known as South Miami is reportedly moving toward a drastic secession plan, which proponents say will allow residents to freely address the growing problems poised by encroaching sea levels, which steadily continue to rise.  City officials were dissatisfied by measures taken by the State, which they claim are unreasonable and stand contrary to modern science.  In a related story, the mighty State of Texas is looking to secede from the United States of America over what it considers a rising tide of change brought on by modern science and reasonable thinking.

Reports out of Riverside, California, tell of a gruesome story in which one sinister resident fulfilled every parent's worst nightmare by placing dangerous pricking needles inside dozens of seemingly harmless chocolate candies.  Authorities were stunned at the brazenness of the crime and how so many had been exposed so quickly.  The incident prompted law enforcement to issue immediate warnings to the entire area, advising parents to carefully inspect treats before consumption.  It was later learned by investigators that the heinous perpetrator of this ghoulish crime was none other than famous serial-killing stickler, Albert Fish, who was apparently caught red-handed shoving needles into his butter-nuts.






A self-styled historian and "necrologist" by the name of Anatoly Moskvin was arrested earlier this week after it was discovered that he had exhumed over 150 bodies, mostly those of females ranging from preteens to the late 60's.  The twisted body snatcher would often dress the cadavers in festive attire and use them to stage bizarre, ritualistic birthday celebrations for himself, which he would then record with a home video camera.  During one such celebration, things turned particularly ugly when the resurfaced corpse of Joan Rivers began heckling other party guests over their "ghastly" appearances, stating "Where did you dig up your fashion sense? A cemetery?"

Alan Eustace, the daring, young executive of Google, Inc., successfully fulfilled a life long dream after jumping from the literal edge of earth's sub-stratosphere, and effectively set a new world's record for skydiving.  When asked about his first reactions to the harrowing experience, Eustace described being utterly shocked by all the massive tabs placed all over the planet's surface, but marveled at their helpfulness and intuitive formatting. 













Police are on the hunt for a suspect who witnesses say was conducting an upskirt video shoot near the entrance of a local Phoenix Hobby Lobby department store.  While there are few credible leads surfacing in the case, detectives were able to put together a composite sketch of the man they are looking for:

Salem Police hastily responded to a call about a disgruntled man having barricaded himself inside his downtown apartment.  Upon entering the residence cops were stunned to find the whole place had been utterly demolished by explosives that were apparently set off from inside the domicile.  Records obtained from the property manager show the listed tenant as a Wile E. Coyote, who was reportedly upset over years of failed ambitions and unaccomplished dreams. 

Renowned actress Barbara Bowman has aggressively come out against former television star and funnyman Bill Cosby, openly accusing him of committing heinous acts of sexual violence against her while she was a young woman.  The Coz, she says, systemically abused female co-stars for years, often covering up his crimes by issuing vile threats or promising career advancement in the entertainment industry.  Ms. Bowman also claims that for years she was petrified by the memory of Cosby's clinking belt, stating "I knew something was wrong when he asked me if I wanted to lick his Jello puddin' pop."

Today in Headlines - Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Documentarian and investigative journalist Laura Poitras has just released a compelling new film covering the unruly and intrusive domestic surveillance programs currently being conducted by the ultra-secretive National Security Agency.  The project is entitled Citizenfour, a moniker that once served as a screen name for the now world renowned data-leaker known as Edward Snowden.  Poitras, in conjunction with many of those at The Guardian and The Washington Post, was able to present a dynamic firsthand account of the groundbreaking events leading up to and immediately following what was perhaps the most monumental security breach in American history.  When asked about her relationship with the exiled programmer, Poitras replied, "I appreciate the degree of risk he's undertaken, and have come to help in any way that I can."  

Since Russian authorities have imposed an indefinite travel ban on Snowden, who was rumored to be seeking political asylum in Ecuador at the time, Ms. Poitras happily agreed to assist in the careful smuggling out of her controversial little "meal ticket" by any means necessary, and, from the looks of things, he's simply gone to pieces.  

Through a painstaking 6 hour surgical procedure, Mr. Snowden's left arm was successfully attached to Ms. Poitras' torso, allowing her to transport the limb immediately to an undisclosed location.









Other assorted body parts, such as feet, cheeks, thighs and ears, are expected to quickly follow.  If all goes according to plan, assisting doctors should be able to reassemble the celebrity spy and allow him the opportunity to live freely within one of several fully corrupted Latin American counties.  According to recent reports, Snowden's testicles have already been sewn onto Glen Greenwald's chin.

In a somewhat related story, fellow data-leaker Julian Assange is planning to release something a little different onto the great wide world this week, and it's not another bombshell revelation of governmental wrongdoing or corporate malfeasance.  No, this season, Assange is dropping some fresh new fashion on the people, hoping to make some much needed money and perhaps reinvigorate the ever-diminshing relevancy of the once teeming collaborative.  

According to the Times of India, an official Wikileaks clothing line is expected to hit retail stores sometime this fall.  Preparation for the project has been especially difficult, given the fact that Wikileaks found and designer Julian Assange is currently holed up inside the Ecuadorian Embassy in London, effectively avoiding prosecution for at least two years.  When asked how he plans to actually produce the ambitious line of clothing/merchandise, Assange explained that his Latin American hosts appeared to have things well in hand.

A formidable legal battle is quickly brewing along the upper Northeastern seaboard, all stemming from the mounting criticism over what many say are "extreme" health safety standards currently put in place by state authorities in New York and New Jersey.  The new imposition comes in the wake of a recent diagnosis of one Craig Spencer, a doctor who became infected with Ebola after treating many patients in Nigeria.  Late Monday night, Spencer suddenly became extremely fatigued and decided to seek medical attention after practically collapsing on a New York City subway.  Luckily for him, New York offers those confirmed as infected the choice of where to spend their isolation period, either at home or in the hospital.  

New Jersey on the other hand, under the Jabba-like authority of Governor Chris Christie,  has taken alternative measures that some, like the New England Journal of Medicine, consider to be "not scientifically based, unfair and unwise," -coincidentally all the hallmarks of Republican domestic policy.  Consequently, those under quarantine in the backward Garden State will be given the option of either remaining under observation at the hospital, or, in true Christie style, remain locked in a compact car without any air conditioning, while idling in bumper to bumper traffic.  













A high court in Dubai has unanimously ruled in favor of a disgruntled husband who refused to pay his former wife any alimony on the grounds that she failed to inform him of one crucial detail that would ultimately prove fatal to their brief and extremely unpleasant marriage.  Apparently, wifey had continuously refused to have intimate relations with her new husband, and had eventually instructed him to visit her parents, who she said would offer some sort of explanation as to her overly frigid sexual nature.  According mom and pop their seemingly useless daughter was, in fact, a fucking genie.  Mr. Kirpan insists he owes nothing to the asexual lamp dweller, claiming his ex-wife's willful deception has made a mockery of his life and cost him precious time and resources.

Fictional 1950's television character Darrin Stephens was quick to comment, stating:  

"I know just what you mean."















Critics are sounding off in response to a recent shoot out involving Stockton area police and a small group of bank robbers with several hostages in tow.  The men had just conducted a daring heist at a local Bank of the West, when police readily engaged them in a long and especially dangerous pursuit, during which two pedestrians were struck and many others were forced off the streets out of sheer terror.  

A total of 33 officers would eventually corner the suspects, who had been sporadically firing on police with a busta ass AK-47, getting off about 100 rounds in 2 hours.  Upon returning fire, responding officers discharged approximately 600 rounds of ammunition, many of them blasting away aimlessly with no regard for bystanders or firefight protocol.  The ferocious onslaught of firepower was largely attributed to the latest military acquisition made by the Stockton PD, that being the black guy from Predator ("Dude, that's messed up, there were other black people in Predator...Oh yeah, like who?...Well, Billy Dee Williams for starters...Dude, Billy Dee Williams doesn't count.  He's only "kind of" black, this guy is like full on Wesley Snipes black...whatever, man").  Unfortunately, in addition to a pair of money grubbing thieves, one hostage, a 41-year-old Misty Holt-Singh, was also riddled with bullets and quickly died at the scene.  ("Dude, that wasn't fucking Billy Dee Williams, it was Carl Weathers, I googled it")









In Midvale, Utah this week a Super 8 Motel franchise was reportedly held up at gunpoint by a thuggish young woman crudely disguised as a character from the ever-popular cartoon series, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Forgoing the traditional nunchucks and bo staff, this assailant simply shoved a Glock into the face of a late night manager, demanding all the "greenbacks" he had in the register.  Upon fleeing the establishment, witnesses heard the perpetrator shouting "cowabunga" before diving into a storm drain filled with toxic decaying matter and noxious chemical fumes.