Terminally lacking both charisma and credibility, former Vice President Dick Cheney has wormed his way back into American politics by creating a new social welfare group called the Alliance for a Strong America. Along with his wife Liz, the pair intend to "reverse" the ghastly effects of President Obama's foreign policy (which ironically got him elected in the first place and ushered in a new era of Democratic autonomy in Washington) and, apparently they'll be doing it as the spokescouple for Depend's Undergarments.
Some have raised concerns over the legitimacy of groups like the Alliance for a Strong America, claiming their real purpose is to serve as a mere shell corporation and as such, a conduit for "Dark Money" to pass unchecked into the coffers of the nation's political contenders. As one analyst put it, the more patriotic a title appears, the darker it's purpose tends to be. As can be seen in the diagram below:
The Home Depot is moving in on the smarthome device market this week, opening up a whole new line of products to the techno savvy homemaker. In a related story, the Home Depot will also be adding a "top secret" aisle to all their superstore locations. The aisle will be available exclusively to National Security Agency employees who can purchase packets of private data harvested from customers who bought devices from Home Depot's new line of smarthome products.
Julian Assange, the elusive co-founder of Wikileaks, has granted DemocracyNow!'s Amy Goodman a one-on-one interview from inside the Ecuadorean Embassy where Assange has held residency for the past two years. When asked how he's been passing the time, Assange commented, "All there is to do is masturbate and play Centipede. It really reminds me of my youth in Queensland."
The rift between Washington and Berlin grew just a little wider today, After months of growing tensions over NSA spying, and after canceling major contracts with Verizon as a result, German Chancellor Angela Merkel is lamenting over what she calls "serious" violations of the No-Spy Agreement held between Germany and the U.S. since 1945. The last straw apparently broke the camel's back upon the discovery of an embedded U.S. "double agent" supplying top secret information to U.S. intelligence services over the past two years.
The head Chief of the Lakota Nation, a still very active band of Native Americans, had this to say, "So you signed an agreement with the United States Government, and they didn't fulfill their end of the bargain? What the fuck did you expect?"
The Germans are supposedly instituting new security measures in order to weed out any additional double agents, one Sergeant Hans Georg Schultz insisted he played no part, declaring, quote "I know NOTHING!" 
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