Today in Headlines - Wednesday, July 2, 2014

The country of Sweden, widely known for it's neutrality in armed conflicts, is being called out for what many perceive to be a great contradiction in it's national policy.  In addition to manufacturing ridiculous looking modular furniture, Sweden is also a major producer of arms.  In fact, they rank third worldwide after Israel and Russia.  Many of these weapons -often built by companies like Saab- end up in the hands of countries like Bahrain, Thailand, Saudi Arabia and Egypt. All well known internationally for their ghastly human rights records.  But when asked about the broader implications of these practices, a U.N. delegate on arms proliferation said and I quote, "Those guys?  Oh I wouldn't worry about those guys."

The United States is implementing "enhanced security measures" at overseas airports throughout the world.   When asked whether these new measures would be anything like our "enhanced" torture techniques, a Pentagon spokesman said, "No, these will apply to everyone, not just Muslims."

Katt Williams allegedly drew a firearm inside the Comedy Store in West Hollywood last night. He demanded they put all the jokes they had into a paper bag and then lay on the floor while he quickly raided the safe for wisecracks, anecdotes, antics, buffoonery and several ingots of clowning around.  This news comes two weeks after human french fry Andy Dick looted the Store's entire cache of one-liners.  Luckily, he has no idea how to use them.

ABC's hit program Once Upon a Time, loved by loveless Americans everywhere, is casting new characters, Anna and Kristoff, from Disney's new surprisingly successful animated feature "Frozen." Apparently the network is already considering a whole slue of new characters, including:  Johnny Appleseed, Krampus, and the Brave Little Toaster -played by Jason Alexander.

Survivors from the 2010 Copiapó mining accident in Chile are finally opening up about their harrowing experiences while trapped deep within the dark crevices of the earth.  When asked how they spent most of their time down there, one miner replied, "We played a lot of lazer tag."

Things quickly deteriorated into a "Lord of the Flies"-type scenario, with one miner even being executed for quote, "conspiring with the mole people who mean to overtake us."