Today in Headlines - Tuesday, July 1, 2014

In environmental news today scientists announced that close to 88% of the world's oceans are covered in "plastic junk."  In a similar story, anthropologists have announced that close to 90% of the worlds habitable areas are covered with "stupid people."

NYC's now famous "Cannibal Cop" saw his conviction overturned today, effectively granting Gilberto Valle his freedom after almost 2 years of incarceration. The accused Valle continues to insist that he never actually ate anyone, claiming he "only chewed, but never swallowed."

When asked what he would do upon his release, Gilberto replied, "I plan to be home by dinner."


Actor David Duchovny is teaming up with rock singer Marilyn Manson to record what Duchovny describes as a "Wilco-inspired" music compilation.  When asked what the two could possibly have in common, Duchovny was surprisingly candid, stating,  "We both watched our stardom collapse amidst a series of bad career choices while utterly decimating our relatively meager amount of financial success, leaving us with nothing but a constantly dwindling fan-base."


Manson added, "This project will be a big shot in the arm for my landscaping business.  I'm supposed to put in a topiary garden next week but already spent my entire budget on PBR and lotto tickets."

President Obama announced today that he would be taking sweeping unilateral action to impose immediate reforms on the country's broken immigration system.  In an effort to increase the already high rate of deportations, the President has surprisingly enlisted the help of the U.S. intelligence community.  Now, the C.I.A. will transport all migrants alongside the guns and ammunition bound for cartels back in their counties of origin.

The Ukraine has lifted an extended ceasefire with their Russian neighbors, quickly renewing hostilities between the two nations.   An informal conference between their leaders went sour when Russian President Vladimir Putin insisted the Ukraine was "weak."