Last week police in Oakland found themselves engaged in a mild pursuit of an adult sized go-kart after the driver refused to yield to deputies during a traffic stop on Interstate 880. Onlookers reportedly cheered the man as he zoomed by at moderate speeds, at times reaching upwards of 45 MPH. It was later discovered that the driver was actually wearing a brand new Oculus VR headset and had been deeply immersed inside the pulse-pounding virtual environment of Grand Theft Auto at the time of the chase.
Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders has so far refused to endorse the presumptive nominee Hillary Clinton despite her considerable lead among party delegates throughout the country. Sanders, in his usual crusty, stalwart fashion, made it perfectly clear that he and his supporters would be preparing for a fight at the upcoming Democratic National Convention in Philadelphia. Campaign staffers were reportedly spotted organizing slightly threatening dance routines and practicing their perfectly synchronized walking maneuvers.
While addressing a crowd of supporters in London last Thursday, British conservative figurehead and fervent Brexit backer Boris Johnson suddenly broke into an impromptu impersonation of American presidential candidate Donald Trump. Boris, who was demonstrably drunk throughout most of the speaking event, began sporadically flicking boogers into the audience and then issued several vulgar catcalls to various female attendees.
In the wake of Marvel Entertainment's worldwide release of Captain America: Civil War, Russian movie goers have begun demonstrating an inexplicable revulsion to franchise newcomer Tom Holland's youthful and somewhat more chipper portrayal of Spider-Man, specifically with respect to the sound of his voice. Last week a petition was launched calling for Marvel to replace Holland with a much more affable personality to be determined later by a panel of movie critics and select members of the Russian criminal underworld.
Amazingly, similar petitions have gained strength in recent months, some of which have already led to widespread revisions in private and state media. For instance, the voice of Seinfeld's Jason Alexander was inevitably traded out for the silky smooth sound of Jude Law, whereas Donald Trump was quickly replaced by Youtube's Annoying Orange, and the entire cast of Real Housewives of Atlanta was completely overdubbed by the sound of angry bees.
During a recent interview with the Nashville Chronicler, INXS guitar player Andrew Farriss discussed the strenuous days of the band's early history, fondly recounting a time he and late singer/songwriter Michael Hutchence had worked arduously through the night to produce what would later become their No. 1 hit song, "What You Need." Farriss went on to describe how front-man Hutchence had become so exhausted that he was literally carted off to bed for some much needed rest and relaxation.
Democratic congresswoman Corrine Brown is now facing accusations that she secretly maintained a multi-million dollar "slush fund" while serving as state representative to 5th congressional district of Florida. It is still unclear at this time exactly how many Slushies were purchased with taxpayer monies, but the investigation is believed to be ongoing.
Oversight committee members speaking on the condition of anonymity expressed no doubt as to Ms. Brown's overall guilt after they themselves had scolded her several times for habitually leaving behind her discarded Slushie containers in the congressional hearing rooms.
When reached for comment, the beleaguered stateswoman retorted pointedly at her accusers, exclaiming "What? Bitches can't get they drink on?"
According to industry insiders, the upcoming Lego Movie sequel may be far less upbeat than the original installment and as a consequence, everything may not be so awesome. To adequately reflect the impending paradigm shift, producers at Warner Bros. have commissioned a new title song called "Everything is Dipped in Shit and All Fucked Up." The track is expected to be a collaborative piece written and recorded by resurrected Pantera guitar player Dimebag Darrell alongside noted rap legend Nas. Nas was recently the subject of some controversy after making his very matter-of-fact pronouncement that the genre of hip hop is officially dead.
The last of the surviving 9/11 search dogs was put to rest in New York State last week after receiving a fond farewell party hosted by local firefighters and other civic leaders. The golden retriever known as Bretagne was described as a hero who sadly fell victim to deadly cancer brought on by toxic exposure at site of ground zero. Unfortunately, as a result of ongoing denialism toward the unprecedented cancer rates among 9/11 first responders, Bretagne's medical file has been deemed highly classified and any mentioning of cancerous malignant growths will be meticulously crossed out and replaced with the much more agreeable terminology "freedom tumors."
In response to the possible deployment of THAAD anti-missile systems in South Korea, the Chinese Foreign Minister Wang Yi issued a sharp rebuke of what he called a policy of "dangerous interventionism" being demonstrated by the United States, claiming that the move would only further destabilize an already volatile region.
When reached for comment, Thad himself explained that he was in no real position to help anybody in South Korea but actually needed to find a place to stay for a while after being kicked out of his mother's house for selling all of her Cirque du Soleil CD's so that he could pay for head-shots at the mall. In Thad's defense, they were, quote, "really nice head-shots, the kind for modeling."
The Los Angeles Police Department recently made available to the public a trove of investigative files memorializing the 2003 search of Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch. The reports portray the former pop-star as a flagrant deviant who stockpiled pornography and had a penchant for the macabre. At one point during the raid, officers stumbled upon a hidden closet accessible from Jackson's bedroom which was said to contain much of the more disturbing material found in the home.
Among the items recovered were several provocative photos of actress Cloris Leachman, as well as a small collection of crude snapshots depicting Cher's original nose.
Obviously, Mr. Jackson had his problems.
Amazingly, similar petitions have gained strength in recent months, some of which have already led to widespread revisions in private and state media. For instance, the voice of Seinfeld's Jason Alexander was inevitably traded out for the silky smooth sound of Jude Law, whereas Donald Trump was quickly replaced by Youtube's Annoying Orange, and the entire cast of Real Housewives of Atlanta was completely overdubbed by the sound of angry bees.
Oversight committee members speaking on the condition of anonymity expressed no doubt as to Ms. Brown's overall guilt after they themselves had scolded her several times for habitually leaving behind her discarded Slushie containers in the congressional hearing rooms.When reached for comment, the beleaguered stateswoman retorted pointedly at her accusers, exclaiming "What? Bitches can't get they drink on?"
In response to the possible deployment of THAAD anti-missile systems in South Korea, the Chinese Foreign Minister Wang Yi issued a sharp rebuke of what he called a policy of "dangerous interventionism" being demonstrated by the United States, claiming that the move would only further destabilize an already volatile region. When reached for comment, Thad himself explained that he was in no real position to help anybody in South Korea but actually needed to find a place to stay for a while after being kicked out of his mother's house for selling all of her Cirque du Soleil CD's so that he could pay for head-shots at the mall. In Thad's defense, they were, quote, "really nice head-shots, the kind for modeling."
Among the items recovered were several provocative photos of actress Cloris Leachman, as well as a small collection of crude snapshots depicting Cher's original nose.
Obviously, Mr. Jackson had his problems.
