Today in Headlines - Friday, October 9, 2015

Since the announcement by current House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) that he will be leaving his post effective October 30, Congressional Republicans have been racing to shore up party leadership by selecting what they thought to be a sure-fire candidate to assume the helm and, god willing, assist in bringing forth a much needed victory in the 2016 presidential election.  All indicators had initially pointed to Kevin McCarthy as the most likely successor, but after losing support from the ultra-conservative House Freedom Caucus, McCarthy abruptly withdrew his name from consideration.  The unexpected falling out has left House Republicans in total disarray, with one representative calling the situation "utter chaos" -prompting the Joker to comment, stating:

In the midst of a devastating state wide drought, California water officials have released their list of top offenders in the area of water waste.  While many companies were issued marks for their excessive industrial run off, one Beverly Hills resident was cited for using over 1,300 gallons of water per hour, all day, seven days a week.  The ridiculously entitled water hog is none other than Francis Buxton, heir to the famous Buxton staples fortune.  

"Have you been wasting water Francis?!?!"

Martin Milner, star of the popular 1970's police drama Adam-12, died of heart failure last month at the age of 89.  For years, Milner portrayed the rugged all-American beat cop known as Pete Malloy, a figure who would stand out as an inspiration to an entire generation of young would-be officers.  To commemorate his passing, the LAPD held a dignified homage to the late actor, allowing family members as well as officers to read statements of praise and remembrance.

A Similar ceremony was held for actor Michael Chiklis after he retired from a certain 1990's ABC comedy drama known as the The Commish'.  Several NYPD officers were said to have gotten up in the middle of the night to fix themselves a hoagie sandwich in memory of the lovable yet no-nonsense Commissioner.

Leading up to their scheduled debate on NBC's Meet the Press this Saturday evening, Republican Congressmen Dave Brat of Virginia, and Charlie Dent of Pennsylvania have traded jabs at one another seemingly every chance they get.  In their latest sparring bout, Representative Brat accused Dent of waffling on the issues and lacking the essential conservative mindset.  Dent, who has been described as a moderate, has been routinely bashed by the far-right for his overt willingness to reach across the aisle -which they see as duplicitous and double-dealing.  Many attribute this pronounced bi-partisan attitude to the influence of his younger brother, Gotham District Attorney, Harvey Dent.

This week in entertainment, actor Shia LaBeouf was arrested yet again for public intoxication after becoming unruly outside a small dive bar in metropolitan Austin, Texas.  Unfortunately, this and a long stream of similar incidences have thoroughly tainted Shia's public image, making work in the film industry relatively scarce.  As a consequence, The Beouf is said to be considering less than desirable employment alternatives; particularly, a run for the Florida State Senate.

Today in Headlines - Wednesday, October 7, 2015

On Tuesday, officials speaking on behalf of the Vatican were tight-lipped while addressing rumors that the Pope did not actually know he would be meeting with conservative activist Kim Davis.  Davis was reportedly paid a secret visit by the pontiff, during which time he offered words of comfort, encouraging her to, quote, "stay strong."  Davis' camp has gone on to promote the event as a powerful endorsement of her cause.  However, new information indicates that the Pope was, in actuality, "rat-fucked" into meeting with Davis, thinking instead that he would be greeted by his supposed No. 1 Fan, a Miss Annie Wilkes of Colorado.

Doctors Without Borders is appealing to the U.N. Security Council following the ill-fated U.S. missile strike that killed scores inside an MSF hospital in Kunduz, Afghanistan.  American forces were said to be in the area assisting Afghan forces in taking back the region for a group of upstart Taliban soldiers who descended upon  the city last week.  Borders president Joanne Liu is calling for an independent probe, expressing concerns over a possible cover-up, a suggestion to which the Americans responded bluntly, stating:

"We'll probe ourselves, thank you very much."

The Heritage Foundation released an eye opening report on Wednesday, detailing the expected far-right voter turnout for the upcoming 2016 presidential election.  The study found that while able to attract relentless media attention, most fringe groups, particularly those associated with the notorious Tea Party, will have minimal impact on a nationwide basis, but may effectively sway small districts throughout southern states and certain parts of the Upper Midwest.  

To promote basic comprehension of the study among the affected voter base, researchers released their findings in the form of an easy to read children's book, entitled:  The Stupids Step-Out.

Police in Ausintown, Ohio, were stunned last Friday after responding to a call from a not-too-bright citizen who claimed to be "too high."  When police finally located the caller's residence, they entered the property to find a thoroughly inebriated 22-year-old college student surrounded entirely by Doritos and Goldfish.

"I've never been better."

Last week the national press got a taste of the new social studies curriculum cooked up the notoriously conservative Texas Board of Education.  The new material, which will be available for distribution in 2016, is described by critics as a total "whitewash" of history.  They charge that the new text consistently plays down the shear brutality of slavery in the Americas, while totally minimizing the significance of those who opposed it.  One critic went so far as to label the historical accounting as "farcical," also noting that some of the accompanying graphics were just plain offensive.

Today in Headlines - Monday, October 5, 2015

The political wizards behind the lackluster presidential campaign waged by former Hewlett Packard CEO, Carly Fiorina, are probably kicking themselves in the balls tonight after the candidate was pressured yet again on her questionable comments regarding the now infamous "brain harvesting' video allegedly documented inside an unidentified Planned Parenthood location.  Fiorina continues to insist the video exists and that she herself has personally seen it.  However, no major news organization has yet been able to obtain a copy.  Campaign representatives have so far been dubious about their supposed source, but continue to insist on it's authenticity.  They claim to have discovered the scandalous video alongside Obama's original Ugandan birth certificate, Saddam's WMDs, Reagan's credibility and Kennedy's brain.

Augustus Sol Invictus, a Libertarian party candidate who is currently seeking election to the Florida State Senate, has admitted to sacrificing a goat and then drinking its blood during a pagan ritual back in 2013.  While Libertarian establishment candidates have decried Sol's actions, he has been able to pick up considerable support from well known P.A.G.A.N. spiritual leader, Reverend Whirley, formerly of Los Angeles.

Several of Oregon's Rogue Community College locations were closed due to a bomb threat received early Monday morning.  The effected campuses were eventually re-opened after authorities were able to verify that no bombs had been located on the premises.  Evacuation efforts were said to have gone off without a hitch, thanks in large part to the college's own super-powered namesake Rogue, who assisted in getting out the disabled and the elderly.

Over the weekend a Rhode Island state police officer suffered a major meltdown after a renegade Dunkin' Donuts barista sneakily scrawled "BlackLivesMatter" across the side of his double late.  The recipient, one Lt. Roger Asinall, immediately flew into a violent rage, shouting expletives and eventually hurling his piping hot coffee at the snarky attendant's face.  Asinall is not expected to face any charges.  

Some might remember a similar display of anti-cop sentiment at the service counter, where one Taco Bell employee took to writing offensive epithets on drive-thru orders placed by local law enforcement.

Last week representatives with the U.S. Military announced that a new, state-of-the-art body armor would be arriving in combat zones as early as 2018.  Described as a "real life Iron Man" style suit, the TALOS (Tactical Assault Light Operator Suit) system would not only render it's bearer impervious to gunfire, but would also provide full spectrum optics, as well as a snazzy douchebag goatee.