Today in Headlines - Monday, July 28, 2014

The new Polaris "Slingshot" was unveiled today, much to the disappointment of automotive enthusiasts everywhere.  The oddly constructed three-wheeled conveyance, which is priced at roughly $20,000, attempts to offer the steering power of a sports car while possessing the maneuverability of a motorcycle.  But, despite a snazzy paint-job and two darkly erotic looking test drivers, the new model failed to live up to the hype of a next generation roadster, leaving onlookers to question whether the owner is part biker or part go-kart loving man-child.

Fox Television Network has announced that a Family Guy/Simpsons "crossover" episode will air late this September.  The stunning news was unveiled during a Family Guy panel discussion held at the 2014 Comic Con in San Diego, California.  The surprising move comes after an unsuccessful attempt to meld another popular set of Fox animated programs:

According to a recent audit conducted by the Pentagon, billions of dollars have been "blown" during the long and pointless occupation of Afghanistan by the U.S. armed forces.  Afghanistan, which ranks as one of the largest producers of heroin in the world, and has an obscenely high rate of addicts, seems like the kind of place in which one could lose track of things.  When auditors finally gained access to one dilapidated outpost, they found it was littered with dozens of little red balloons, cherry flavored antacids, and a copy of Leonard Cohen's "Songs from a Room,"  was still spinning on a solid state turntable recently stolen from a local library.



Today the people of Islam are marking the end of Ramadan with the annual celebrations of Eid.  While the usual circumstances of conflict inhibited some throughout the region, most have had a chance to mark the occasion with a well-known Arab pastime: Flooding the streets unshaven, yelling indiscriminately while moving randomly through town as an amorphous blob of people.










According to a new study conducted by the University of Edinburgh, prehistoric creatures, such as Dinosaurs, may have vanished as a result of "colossal bad luck."  Researchers cited the timing of the cataclysm, mixed with various environmental impacts that they say could have contributed to the Dinosaurs' ultimate demise.  The new findings are already being reflected in the newest literature on the subject:

It's also now being proposed that Woolly Mammoths actually died off as a result of waking up with tar stuck in their hair.