Today in Headlines - Friday, July 11, 2014

The Justice Department is opening an investigation into the now famous Norfolk parade float depicting what appears to be President Obama standing in front of an outhouse marked "Obama Presidential Library."  While the Nebraska man who created the float insists he is not a racist, many are still skeptical of his intent.  When asked how the President was taking the news, one aide told us, "he's a bit down in the dumps."  

This of course wouldn't be the first time a President has been openly mocked in a public parade. Who could forget the memorable "Bush Vomits on Japanese Prime Minister Kiichi Miyazawa" parade float of 1992.

Israeli officials have openly accused Hamas of committing nuclear terrorism on the grounds that 3 rockets launched from the Gaza strip were directed toward a nuclear power facility in Southern Israel.  After the strike, Israel called an immediate "time-out," stating, "we called no nukesies!"


On a lighter note, a 7-year-old Canadian boy has raised over $50,000 to pay for a close friend's much needed surgery, all by selling lemonade from his own lemonade stand.  In a related story a 9-year-old Mexican boy from Van Nuys, California has raised over $250,000 to have Sarah Palin's mouth sewn shut.











Again from Israel today, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu stated he felt no international pressure to quit the air campaign against the Palestinian people.  He immediately went on to say that he also could not feel his feet, his hands or his entire lower body.  It was at that point in the interview that the Prime Minister realized his body had been incinerated by a rocket barrage and that the reporter he was speaking to was actually a human foot.

A couple of Kayakers from Kentucky claim they discovered a 112-year-old ghost-ship while traveling up the Ohio river.  They were positive it was a ghost ship because they clearly saw the ghosts swabbing the deck and singing crude sea shanties about their undead nautical adventures on-board.

Following the uproar over would-be model Kendall Jones' gross online cache of photos depicting herself alongside several trophy animal kills, many of which were classified as endangered, another big name has surfaced in connection with these despicable practices.  Director Steven Spielberg was reportedly photographed aside a massive 12-ton triceratops that he ruthlessly killed with a slingshot just moments before.  Sources close to Spielberg say that the director wasn't satisfied in just hunting endangered animals.  Apparently, Spielberg required prey that was already extinct. 

Like Jones, who has seen her modeling contract revoked and her online reputation destroyed, Spielberg is quickly being shunned throughout the entertainment community, having already been removed from his post as chairman of the Hollywood Association of Scraggly Looking Directors.