Today in Headlines - Friday, December 5, 2014

For the second time in less than a month, Sony Pictures has been the target of a highly effective hacking campaign perpetrated by a mysterious collective known only as "The Guardians of Peace."  The group has transmitted rather ominous emails to throngs of Sony employees, threatening them and their families.  While intelligence officials have yet to unveil their own take on who might be conducting these operations, it has been widely speculated that the North Korean Government is directly responsible.  Warnings from the tiny reclusive nation were sternly issued to Sony Entertainment prior to it's release of The Interview, a film about a pair of goofy American media moguls who are given the rare opportunity to meet face to face with North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un, and are therefore asked to assassinate him for the good of humanity.  Kim was reportedly furious upon learning of the film's plot and quickly vowed retaliatory action should it be released.  The response was apparently limited to a cyber attack since the impoverished nation's long-range targeting capabilities run a bit on the lean side. 

New York Republican and Homeland Security Committee Chairman Peter King has effectively stoked bitter outrage after hypothesizing that if Eric Garner, the 43-year-old father of six who was choked to death by New York City police officer, had not been so incredibly obese, then he might have actually survived the brutal encounter on the streets of New York's Staten Island.  After being hit by considerable backlash over his blatant insensitive comments, the beef-headed Chairman attempted to smooth things over by explaining that he would not have made such a crass remark had he not been a total fucking idiot.

A new report released by the Justice Department has exposed an unusually high level of gross misconduct occurring throughout the entire Cleveland police department.  Investigators were said to be utterly shocked by the obvious pattern of violence, corruption and perjury going on unchecked and unaccounted for.  According to individuals close to the investigation, agents found the most disturbing aspect to be the unbelievably high rate of incompetence displayed by local officers.  Some blamed trainers for the environment of general impropriety. 

The small progressive country of Uruguay is currently preparing to receive some fairly unconventional guests.  After years of petitioning foreign governments to accept high profile prisoners from the infamous American detention facility at Guantanamo Bay Cuba, it seems the Obama administration has finally found itself a willing participant.  Apparently, they had submitted their requests in alphabetical order.

Attendees of a mid-western "Furry" convention were hastily evacuated after several attendees began complaining of dizziness and nausea associated with a strong gas presence emanating throughout the ninth floor a prestigious Hyatt hotel in downtown Rosemont, a suburb of Chicago.  Upon closer inspection, several hazardous waste technicians discovered powdered chlorine spread throughout a stairwell located in close proximity to where the event was taking place.  19 people were hospitalized but are expected to make a full recovery.  Police were called to the scene when panic stricken Furries caused a flamboyant stampede down West Bryn Mawr Avenue.

Today in Headlines - Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Many internet news readers were stunned last week as reports on the death of Kirk Douglas began filtering across cyberspace.  Fortunately for the Douglas clan, Kirk is alive and well, in fact, the legendary actor has recently published a book of poems called "Life Could Be Verse."  The false news of his death apparently began circulating after People Magazine erroneously published a prefabricated obit.  According to People insiders, the editorial staff was sharply divided on whether to run the piece, one stating "We just couldn't tell, I mean, look at him.  He looks pretty dead to me."

During an extensive audit of the Iraq National Army, lawmakers found that their already dwindling forces were speckled with nearly 50,000 "ghost soldiers."  Many claim these hollowed-out sections of the military have weakened the country's defenses as well as drained much needed cash and resources.  In an effort to prevent future dereliction, newly installed Prime Minister Haider Al-Abadi, has effectively sacked several prominent defense officials believed to have perpetrated the widespread misappropriation.  Meanwhile, the 50,000 ghost soldiers in question have sacked Gondor and are currently marching on Terres Lea.

Sarah Palin has dredged up a bit media coverage this week after posting what was intended to be a sardonic meme on her personal Facebook page.  The photo depicts the President in mid-speech with a caption that reads, "I will be signing a new executive order replacing the word 'looting' with 'undocumented shopping'."  The New York Times praised the former VP hopeful for managing to combine issues like Ferguson, the Executive and Immigration into one cleverly worded political zinger.  Others were just plain shocked at the former Governor's ability to meld poor Photoshop skills, misinformation and a total lack of humor into such a simple, yet profound, show of stupidity.  

Approximately 7.85 million rifles produced by Remington Rifle Company, the oldest gun manufacturer in the country, are set become a part of a nationwide "recall" of faulty triggers that for years caused random misfirings, many of them deadly.  A 2010 CNBC documentary entitled "Remington Under Fire," showed that Remington had engaged in fraudulent concealment practices in order to avoid paying a 5.5 cent cost to fix the crucial design flaw.  Fortunately, millions of gun owners will receive properly functioning mechanisms that will ensure safety and security to everyone.  According to industry insiders, the new triggers will impose a 3 day waiting period before blowing a whole in anything.

Today in Headlines - Monday, December 1, 2014

Despite serious divisions on policy toward Syria and Crimea, Russian President Vladimir Putin and Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan (or "Yippie" for short) seem to be closing in on a rather lucrative agreement that could change the way energy flows throughout the Middle East.

The two hardheaded demagogues were scheduled to attend an economic summit on important issues such as trade and energy.  Russia is currently courting Turkey in hopes that it might serve as a central hub for it's gas distribution throughout the region, possibly circumventing the troublesome Ukraine territory.  Unfortunately, Putin arrived on Monday when Turkey country had already been picked clean, apparently all that was left were the leftover nations of Yams and Stuffing.

The press secretary to Republican Stephen Fincher of Tennessee, has resigned following what many are calling a totally tasteless twitter attacked aimed at the first daughters over their lax holiday attire and unenthusiastic demeanor during a White House Thanksgiving Ceremony last Thursday.  Staffer Elizabeth Lauten characterized the girls as devoid of class and implored them to, quote, "rise to the occasion."  Lauten was immediately descended upon by both liberals and conservatives alike, even drawing ire from Jenna Bush who states that she is, quote, "fiercely protective" of the girls.  Some have blamed the high stress of the holiday season for inciting such nastiness, even citing the anxiety of Black Friday shopping as a culprit.  Which could make sense considering they were some pretty cheap shots.

Observing marine biologists are reportedly shocked and disturbed by what they say is a growing trend among salt water seals found throughout the British Isles.  Apparently, the often playful seafaring mammals have developed the unnatural tendency of killing local porpoises for what appears to be recreation.  No explanation has been presented as to why the normally friendly creatures would resort to such senseless brutality, leaving top researchers utterly baffled.  On a related note, many have drawn a morbid sort of inspiration from the phenomenon, one of those being writer/producer Ryan Murphy, who, according to inside sources, will use the abnormal occurrence as the basis for a new installment of television's most popular fear-inducing series,

Recent reports out of Budapest indicate a growing chorus of dissent among common Hungarians towards the United States and what is more often perceived its overly intrusive brand of foreign policy.  Some hard-line nationalists have accused the United States of meddling in the country's affairs by stoking a popular uprising against sitting Prime Minister Viktor Orban.  Commenting on the recent bellyaching out of Hungary, U.S. Senator John McCain said:

"Well, maybe if they'd just eat something, then they might not complain so much."

Female naval officers may have been subject to a gross violation of privacy at the hands of a fellow service member who had reportedly placed video recording devices in shows used by personnel onboard a United States Navy submarine.  The perpetrator has been identified as two dimensional sex fiend Glenn Quagmire.

Today in Headlines - Friday, November 21, 2014

U.S. Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel surprised the nation this week after officially announcing his resignation.  The move comes after months of interior wrangling over how to best address the growing threat posed by the Islamic State and similar networks throughout the Middle East.  When pressed for a more detailed explanation for his departure, Hagel simply uttered, "The first rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club."

The House Intelligence Committee has recently released it's findings on the 2012 U.S. compound attack in Benghazi.  The report comes at the end of a two year investigative process that left many right-leaning congressmen holding on to more questions than answers.  Republican heavyweight Lindsey Graham of South Carolina called the findings "total garbage", citing major inconsistencies and a relative lack of conclusions.  House Committee chairman and fellow GOP member Mike Rogers countered the claim by stating that the report was not garbage, but is, after all, 100% recyclable.

 

The 42-year-old stripper girlfriend of world renowned Olympian Michael Phelps shocked the world this week after announcing that she was, in fact, born "intersex."  In a rambling online post, Taylor Lianne Chandler claims that she and Phelps became acquainted through the popular hookup site Tinder, and shortly thereafter fell in love.  Chandler also divulged her true name, David Roy Fitch, and went on to explain how fear of negative exposure to Phelps career drove her to remain hidden from the public eye.  Though, some who are close to the 18 time Olympian have been trying to impose the truth for quite some time.

A young woman who purchased a firearm in preparation for possible civil unrest following the grand jury decision over whether to indict police officer Darren Wilson, has died by her own hands.  According to investigators, 26-year-old Becca Campbell purchased a small handgun from a firearms retailer in downtown St. Louis late Friday night.  She then proceeded to flash her newly acquired pistol, while gleefully proclaiming "I'm ready for Ferguson!"  The sight of the gun immediately prompted her boyfriend, who was driving at the time, to duck his head, leading to a traffic collision, which then caused Ms. Campbell to instantaneously discharge her firearm, resulting in a fatal shot to the head.  The incident is to be depicted in a new Rube Goldberg device entitled "The Mechanics of Utter Stupidity."

21-year-old Alyssa Ferraro has been charged with aggravated assault following a late night spat with her now former boyfriend.  According to Sergeant James Bradley of the Hooksett County Police Department, the couple had got into a heated argument over the Parker Bros. board game Monopoly, during which Ferraro slapped her partner across the face.  She was then taken into police custody and reportedly went directly to jail, did not pass go and did not collect $200.

Consumer concerns have prompted Apple Inc., to produce a new line of smart phones and tablets which they claim are "cop proof."  Following the shocking revelations of the NSA's mass domestic spying programs, coupled with the recent increase in surveillance capability acquired by local law enforcement, many in the market for personal devices are finding the promise of unfettered security for their private information increasingly attractive.  Apple says it's new encryption method is bound to keep their customer's data safe from the prying eyes of an out of control police state, although some remain skeptical.  In an even more daring response to contemporary societal woes, the progressive tech giant has produced the all new iPad Black, which will be marketed exclusively to the non-white community.  The device features a kevlar casing which can by used to shield it's dark skinned owners from police bullets and, in utilizing it's ultra-intuitive programming, will immediately contact paramedics the moment an encounter with law enforcement begins.

Today in Headlines - Wednesday, November 19, 2014

A political slugfest has broken out over a recent push for net neutrality on Capitol Hill.  Almost immediately following the President's grand endorsement calling for tough new measures from the FCC to preserve the status quo, the Republican opposition, namely Senator of Texas and known eraser head, Ted Cruz, came out ferociously swinging, calling the plan "Obamacare for the Internet."  In response to this, former SNL comedian turned Senate heavyweight Al Franken of Minnesota claims that Cruz does not at all grasp the concept of net neutrality and describes his comparison to Obamacare as clearly off-base.  In his usual conciliatory tone, the statesman went on to say, "this has not been Ted's best policy stance, and that's...okay."

Recent events in the Middle East have sparked a callous brand of jokes to creep up in the collective consciousness of the regional peoples.  Just today, youngsters in Tel Aviv were heard bantering about with what seems to qualify as a real knee slapper:

What do you get when a Rabbi, a Police Officer and an American walk into a synogogue in downtown Jerusalem?

Apparently, stabbed in the neck.

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg was recently pressed to answer questions regarding his bizarre choice in wardrobe, essentially donning the same grey shirt everyday for the past several years.  Some have wondered if this was a trend started by Zuckerberg, or if he simply caught on to a good idea and made it his own.  The Facebook founder repeatedly insisted the idea was his and his alone, that he did not steal it from anyone, and that any charges to the contrary can by dealt with quietly through an out of court settlement.  

Researchers with the Lancet Medical Journal have recently put forth a groundbreaking new theory about music and it's effect on the human psyche.  Studies found that listening to certain types of hip hop music can actually have a positive effect on mood and outlook.  For example, songs like "Juicy" from Notorious B.I.G., and Grandmaster Flash's "The Message," were said to invoke feelings of empowerment and self-healing.  While songs like "My Humps" by Fergie, or "Blurred Lines" by Robin Thicke, may give one the feeling of being a total fucking idiot. 

College Freshman Nolan Michael Burch was found unresponsive and without a pulse in a bustling Frat House in Morgantown, West Virginia.  Just hours before his fatal accident, Burch would post a tweet stating, "It's about to be a very eventful night to say the least."  Unfortunately, investigators are still attempting to piece together those so-called "events" in order to explain how Nolan would wind up in the battered condition that would ultimately lead to his demise just two days later.  Police say they have few leads, but have named a single person of interest in connection with the incident, one Frederick O'Bannion, a 19-year-old undergraduate who reportedly has a serious penchant for hazing supple young freshmen.

International criticism is overwhelmingly mounting against a controversial new plan being staged by the regional government of Myanmar, that some are describing as an obvious program for ethnic cleansing.  Approximately 100,000 Rohingya people have been placed into squalid "transition" camps as part of an effort to force out the minority population, to where nobody seems to know.  Human rights groups have expressed deep concerns over the end result of this aggressive new initiative, a "final solution" if you will, that proceeds nearly two decades of unhindered persecution during which there was widespread seizures of wealth and land, leaving the community utterly decimated.  The initiative comes at an inconvenient time for the U.S., an in particular President Obama, who has recently touted the republic as a foreign policy success story, calling it "a beacon of freedom and democracy."  When asked about the ongoing brutality toward the Rohingya people, White House spokesmen dismissed concerns, asking, "When has segregating an extremely downtrodden and unpopular group of people by sticking them in camps ever gone horribly, horribly wrong?"

Today in Headlines - Monday, November 17, 2014

The Vice President of Uber Technologies is in hot water this week over comments he made during a recent interview with Bloomberg Television.  In it he described his efforts to "dig up dirt" on reporters who wrote unfavorably about the still flowering business.  VP Emil Michael stated he considered the practice "fair play," and thoroughly rejected the notion of any impropriety.  Most recently it was learned that Emil had utilized his company's "god view" street monitoring software to track the movements of journalists he meant to target.  When confronted about the ethical questions raised by such activities, Mr. Michael simply laughed them off, again insisting his methods are totally legitimate, citing the curriculum he learned while attending the J. Edgar Hoover School of Business.

Here a glazed eyed Emil poses cheerfully after having just smoked the First Amendment

Over 40,000 Masai pastoralists are currently living under the threat of eviction from their ancestral homelands which lay in the "wildlife corridor" between Tanzania and the Serengeti.   Despite a solemn promise issued by the local government over a year ago, stating that the Masai people may retain their long-held territories, plans for a massive hunting reserve are still moving forward.  According to civic planners, the reserve would cater to the most prestigious of customers, such as the Dubai royal family, Emirs from the U.A.E., and other elites from around the globe.  Supporters of the Masai claim the local government is using heavy handed intimidation tactics to force the native people out, often making false claims of settlement, and then withdrawing their commitments without explanation or warning.  Americans have been reluctant to respond to the growing humanitarian crisis, citing the strong arm tactics and total disregard for the rights of indigent people as a sure sign that American ideals are finally taking hold in the developing region.

A crazy man from the Hesse province of Germany has reportedly blown himself up after an intense family feud that left friends and neighbors clamoring to help the troubled clan regain control of their calamitous lives.  According to eye witness reports, the deceased, who, due to Germany's strict privacy laws will not be named, was seen storming out of his home following a heated argument with immediate family, then climbing inside of his SUV and sped away.  Police say there was no indication whatsoever that the man would take such grim action, even though he was licensed to possess explosive chemicals, displayed moods often described as volatile, maintained combustible relationships with those around him, and had yelled to his kin just before detonation, quote, "I'm so angry, I could just explode."

Experts with the Dicking Institute of Human Behavior are not pleased with the recent cover photo produced by Paper magazine, in which a semi nude Kim Kardashian is featured engaging in provocative poses, with the caption reading "Kim Kardashian - Break the Internet.  Derrick Clifton, a writer with the internet publication Identities Mic, suggested that the tawdry depiction may, in fact, be yet another inappropriate emulation of mythologized black anatomy, stating, quote "It presents a big problem, a big, round, well proportioned problem.  One that we all must give our utmost attention to, and spend obscene amounts of time focusing on, whether at home, at work, or in the shower....excuse me."

Earlier this week, Veterans Affairs Chief Bob McDonald announced he will be creating a new departmental office within his very troubled agency.  The recently appointed Customer Service Chief will be charged with the execution and upkeep of a sweeping campaign to overhaul the agency's system of dealing with it's many neglected healthcare recipients.  After being briefed on the dysfunctional state of the VA, the incoming customer service specialist replied simply, "Well, I did not know that."

Today in Headlines - Friday, November 14, 2014

A disgruntled white-trash motorist was arrested last Thursday night after confessing to his involvement in a deadly hit and run accident that claimed the life of one Toussaint Harrison, a 32-year-old resident of Sacramento, California.  The driver, who was clearly drunk at the scene, made no apologies for running down Mr. Harrison, and apparently had the audacity to place blame the tragedy on sitting President, Barack Hussein Obama, who he claims gives black Americans an undue feeling of exceptionalism and empowerment.  The murderous motorist has been formally charged with vehicular manslaughter and could face a term of life in prison. When asked for comment on his current disposition, the accused belligerently responded with:  "That's fuckin' gay!"

Earlier this week, in Malheur County, Ontario, a group of city landscape workers made the perplexing discovery of over 89 cats, all widely varying in age and size, living in a broken down Ford E350 Van parked along the Madawaska river.  Humane authorities have removed the animals and the city has taken possession of the dilapidated vehicular living space.  According to city records, the van is registered to 34-year-old Matt Foley, a discredited motivational speaker with a history of vagrancy and public drunkenness. 

During a particularly embarrassing visit to the emergency room at Brampton Civil hospital in the fall of 2012, Walter Fish underwent an invasive rectal exam after complaining about severe gastrointestinal problems. Unbeknownst to Mr. Fish, two of the attending individuals, whom he had believed to be doctors, were actually professional actors working for the CTV medical drama Saving Hope. Walter, who has just recently brought a lawsuit against Brampton Civic Hospital, claims he was subjected to what amounts to assault and battery, as well as a serious breach of privacy.  The incident is similar to one that occurred in 2011 involving renowned T.V. doctor Gregory House, who began randomly poking at patients with his cane while subjecting them to his usual brand of dry, black humor and rapier like wit.

A man working at a construction site in downtown Phoenix was found mildly injured and dehydrated after spending approximately 36 hours trapped inside of a newly furbished wall.  The middle aged construction worker stated that he had walled himself up in his usual manner with the intention of later breaking out to kill unsuspecting teenagers but, for whatever reason, he was unable to free himself and was subsequently forced to rely on emergency services to extract him.  His employer, Satan, could not be reached for comment, but was said to be somewhat embarrassed by the apparent shortcomings of his minion.

Members of the Edinburgh Council on Drug Prevention and Teen Outreach have caused a considerable uproar after unveiling a new "snapfacts" pamphlet due to be released to area schools sometime early next year.  The taxpayer funded publication is filled with what organizers call "accurate, non-judgmental" information aimed at educating potential users (ages 13 - 24) on not only the potential dangers of casual and habitual substance abuse, but also clever ways to "safely" pursue drug experimentation.  Specifically, the informational states that MDMA users should at first try only half a pill in order to lessen the risk of potential overdose.  It also suggests that cocaine users regularly wash their nose after each use. Agnes Morrison of the Maxie Richards Foundation, a non-profit organization dedicated to helping young teens avoid the pitfalls of drug addiction and it's ghastly side-effects, states "I've never come across anything like this."

Residents of the Shinagawa district in Tokyo found themselves scratching their collective heads this week after 49 manhole covers were suddenly blown several feet into the air during mid-morning traffic.  The mind-boggling event took place in the downtown region of the city, no damages were reported, though many were left shocked and confused. Flabbergasted city officials are pressing engineers to determine the exact cause of the mysterious happening, which they say has had a chilling effect on local business.  A persistent theory centers on the recent visitation of black gay porn actor and sex tourist Melvin White, who reportedly loves blowing manholes wide open.





Animals rights groups are up in arms this week after ranchers in rural Ireland callously decided to slaughter a bull that they say had habitually mounted other bulls in an effort to have sex with them.  The supposed gay bull was scheduled to be terminated later this week, but according to recent reports, plans are now in place to transport the wayward bovine to a sanctuary noted for it's specific catering to the LGBT animal community.

Today in Headlines - Wednesday, November 12, 2014

According to Wass Up magazine, revered actor/comedian Paul Reubens has announced that he will soon be reprising his legendary role as Pee Wee Herman in a full length motion picture scheduled to be released in late 2015.  Public interest in the character has apparently reached an all time high, largely due to the success of an energetic new stage show launched in 2011, the first three shows of which quickly sold out to hordes of young adults, many of whom still remember the glory days of Pee Wee's Playhouse.  Mr. Reubens was said to be thoroughly invigorated by his triumphant return to the stage, stating: 

"Theater has always been very exciting for me."

On Wednesday, President Obama informed the American public and the world at large that the United States and China have established what is being called a historic new accord aimed at maintaining stricter standards on carbon emissions while producing more efficient forms of renewable energy.  News of the deal comes hot on the heals of other recent political ground shakers, such as the impending executive action on immigration and the much lauded push toward net neutrality.  Some could not help but speculated that the recent announcements, which have generally received broad-based approval from the American public, are being timed for maximum political effect, coming so soon after the recent election season during which Republicans fared unusually well.  Mad TV recurring character Eugene Struthers, briefly commented on the President's maneuvering, stating, "He took it to a whole 'notha level."

A 19 year old security flaw in Microsoft Windows has apparently prompted swift action from technical services this week.  The troublesome glitch was reportedly causing many users to experience unwanted shutdowns and/or a total system failure.  Additionally, many computers were left without adequate firewall protections, leaving many with serious concerns about the security of their personal financial data.  Luckily, support staff created an effective new software patch to close the dangerous loophole through which the breach had occurred. Credited with the ingenious new update is Microsoft patch expert, One-Eyed Willie. 

Comedy Central host Daniel Tosh recently made waves after his masterful take-down of the ESPN production team responsible for creating a new feature for their primetime lineup called the "Awesome Video Segment." Tosh claims the set up is an obvious rip-off of his patent "Web Redemption" series, during which notoriously embarrassed individuals are allowed the supposed chance to redeem themselves through comical reenactments of their viral blunders. Mr. .0 was reportedly peeved over such a blatant act of plagiarism, wondering aloud what the state of cable television had come to when a man's uniquely honed comedy routine can be openly pirated for the cheap antics of a talentless up and comer, to which late 90's Talk Soup host John Henson sarcastically quipped:

"Oh, not so nice now that the shoe is on the other show, now is it?"

Internet services company Mozilla, Incorporated, is gleefully celebrating it's 10 year anniversary this week, marking an entire decade of poor plugin management and endless script debugging. Since the good-old-days of version 1.0, Firefox has consistently held it's place as the browser that is only slightly better than Internet Explorer.  The momentous occasion was initially intended to be commemorated earlier this month, but was postponed due to buffering.

Today in Headlines - Monday, November 10, 2014

A well known eatery in downtown Pittsburgh has recently come under attack over it's daring promotion of tolerance toward countries often considered to be official "enemies of the state," including Iran, North Korea, and Venezuela.  Manager Jon Rubin stated that the restaurant staff became increasingly fearful of opening the doors each day for business after receiving numerous death threats from disgruntled ideologues who clearly choose terror and intolerance over peace and understanding.  The NYPD is actively investigating the matter but, as of yet, have not named a prime suspect.  Inside sources say that detectives may have a person of interest: 

With the fifth season of American Horror Story well under way, many fans are eagerly anticipating the inevitable conclusion of the latest tale of depravity and woe.  One enthusiast, known online as Red Herry, has gone so far as to post a well thought out synopsis detailing what he believes will be the concluding series of events to wrap up the remaining episodes.  The shows creator Ryan Murphy has thoroughly dismissed such interpretations and clearly states that none of the amateur theories he has reviewed thus far have had any basis in truth.  All the same, loyal fans have taken the liberty of constructing elaborate explanations for many of the program's mysterious quirks, with some suggesting that a definable pattern within the plot reveals striking connections between the seemingly unrelatable characters that grace the successive seasons.  After an exhaustive analysis, this office has found that such consistent traits do exist, they include: (a) being highly overrated, and (b) wrapping up each season with an annoyingly anti-climactic stumble that leaves many wondering how long before The Walking Dead comes back on.

Former actress turned Hollywood squatter Amanda Bynes has reportedly hit rock bottom.  According to baseless innuendo, the once lauded pop icon is now completely penniless, often resorting to bumming rides and "crashing" with friends to survive.  In fact, one source has indicated that Bynes was spotted casually napping in a local shopping mall.  Hot Dog on a Stick employee Holly Niles was startled by the discovery of an unconscious and possible drug-addled Bynes, who was found snugly wrapped in a golden sheath of fried corn batter. Clearly, she was mistaken for just another piece of meat.

Visitors of a popular nude beach in the Canary Islands got an unwelcome surprise when they spotted a boat full of feverish African immigrants climbing out of their waterlogged vessel and onto a sunny, sparkling shore almost exclusively populated by vacationing Brits.  Beachgoers became utterly panic-stricken upon realizing the sickly state of many on-board, with concerns still running high after a recent worldwide Ebola scare.  Strangely, the incident harkens back to an earlier time in history when the original dark skinned inhabitants of the island paradise watched as disease ridden Europeans climb out of their ramshackle boats covered in small pox and syphilis.

Walt Disney Studios has announced the official title and release date of the much anticipated 7th installment in the groundbreaking science fiction film franchise known internationally as Star Wars.  Diehard fans were generally elated last Wednesday, after learning that the newest chapter will be dubbed "The Force Awakens," and is expected to be released to theaters nationwide as early as December, 2015.  Despite all the hype, some are less excited than others, with many fearing that the next round of films will be just as disappointing as that certain 1999 release entitled Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace.  If previous attempts at a Star Wars revival are any indication of what to expect in 2015, by the time the Force Awakens, the audience may be sound asleep.

Viewers were shocked Thursday morning as C-SPAN anchor Steve Scully scrambled to grab the reigns of his early A.M. panel show, The Washington Journal.  An outspoken conservative caller had initially been using his airtime to call out fellow Republicans, warning them to proceed moderately after a successful election season.  But, things quickly turned ugly when the caller suggested that the political right would not be able to resist a sweeping approach in the legislature since they, quote "hate that n----- Obama."  The inappropriate language quickly prompted the show's producers to cut the caller off, and Scully issued a formal apology.  It was later discovered that the mysterious foul-mouthed contributor was, in fact, Woodcrest resident and self-hating black man, Uncle Ruckus.

Ultra-conservative talk show host Glenn Beck has stunned loyal viewers this week with the surprise revelation that he suffers from a rare neurological disorder (one that doctors can't seem to fully understand) and says that for an extensive period of time he has suffered in silence, not knowing what was wrong with him or how to address it.  Beck cited his moderately popular XM radio show as a meaningful pillar of support which has kept him going through this dark hour.  At this point, it's unclear how much of Beck's programming has been effected by his major malfunction, preliminary diagnosis has ranged from nuttier than a fruitcake to just a few sandwiches short of a picnic.  Apparently, sponsors are beginning to worry that if Glenn seeks treatment, he may not be able to deliver the usual bat shit crazy material his fans have come to expect over the years.

Today in Headlines - Wednesday November 5, 2014

McDonalds Corporation is in hot water this week after a lower appeals court ruled that Plaintiff Boris Khanimov could proceed with his lawsuit against the fast food giant for what he claims was gross negligence.  The complaint, filed by Mr. Khanimov, states that the hot tea he received from a downtown Brooklyn franchise had, quote "burned him because it was served at an unreasonably or excessively hot temperature."  The Plaintiff was seriously injured when a cup which was filled to the brim with scolding hot water had accidentally splashed onto his chest, resulting in 3rd degree burns that are expected to require years of expensive physical therapy.  Upon being released from the hospital, Mr. Khanimov promptly retained the services of fictional Seinfeld lawyer Jackie Chiles, who immediately instructed his client to avoid any balms, topical ointments, and/or dermatological creams. 

  

As Brisbane detectives poured through the contents of a smartphone belonging to 20-year-old Jenna Louise Driscoll, who initially stood accused of drug trafficking, they quickly discovered what appeared to be crude pornographic videos depicting Ms. Driscoll engaging in sexual congress with a rather large and clearly excitable bloodhound.  According to the Queensland penal code, a charge of bestiality carries a term of at least 2 years in prison and a fine of up to $500,000.  Ms. Driscoll defends herself by claiming that she was lured into the depraved practice, known in fetish circles as "knotting," by a scraggly haired pimp known casually as "Shaggy."  Apparently, Shaggy had duplicitously contrived to get young Jenna hooked on Scooby Snackes, and subsequently pressured her to, quote: "Like, let the homey hit it."

Party conservatives in Anchorage, Alaska cheered wildly for their victorious candidate, Republican Dan Sullivan, who has successfully ousted Democrat incumbent Mark Begich from his prized Senate seat. The victory gala was described by one attendant as a bloodthirsty frenzy of intolerant white people run horribly amok.

Two top level officers at the Warren Nuclear Air Force Base outside Laramie, Wyoming, have been effectively relieved of duty following numerous reports of gross misconduct and a total lack of company leadership.  The pair have received substantial demotions and will carry out the remainder of their service in low level positions with no hope for career advancement.  The news comes almost one year after the firing of Maj. Michael Carey, who was accused of binge drinking and overseeing critical lapses in essential security.  Unbelievably, the recently reprimanded pair had done something far more egregious.  Having both been caught illegally accessing the missile control systems which they had planned to use for their own juvenile amusement.  

Alayne Fleischmann, the whistle-blower who courageously exposed the ongoing criminality perpetrated by JP Morgan Chase in the days preceding the 2008 economic collapse, is finally telling her story.  As a young and perhaps inexperienced securities lawyer, Alayne found it increasingly difficult to witness the broad-reaching larceny being worked upon customers, often comparing it to "watching an old lady getting mugged on the street."  Eventually, the honest and determined young Fleischmann would gather secretly recorded evidence and present her case to a court of law.  Chase reportedly paid out a substantial settlement in order to keep Alayne's testimony out of the mainstream media, earning her the aptly placed nickname, "the $9 Billion witness."  A hefty sum compared to the meager $37.50 dispersed to a local base-head by the name of Hoey Bagoey, who adamantly claims that Bank of America is a cover for the 6th Reich and that nano transmitters have been covertly laced into the nation's toothpaste supply. 

Proponents of a basic universal income are now claiming that by instituting such benefits quickly, the U.S. Government would no doubt save our country's workforce from the impending job-market takeover brought on by the fruition of robot technology.  It is widely believed that many bottom rung service jobs will soon be fulfilled by sophisticated mechanical underlings.  A revolutionary idea that is causing many working class Americans to become increasingly concerned about the already sickly status of our national employment outlook.  Reserving these positions for humans might be a tough sell considering the superior capabilities of a viable android workforce, which would be completely free of tiredness, boredom or hunger. 

An assertion to which Hedonism Bot responded, "Who said what now?"

According to recent studies, many rice based cereals are showing unusually high levels of a potentially deadly compound known as arsenic.  In fact, earlier this week EU Health Authorities declared that a up to 58% of American breakfast cereal brands had tested well above the legal limit for arsenic content.  The finding could prove harmful not only to children world wide, but also the dry cereal industry at large.  One individual who was quite elated by the news was, of course, that pinch-faced, bitch of a Grandmother from the chilling 1987 movie classic, Flowers In the Attic.

Today in Headlines - Monday, November 3, 2014

Investigators in Mojave, California, are attempting to determine the cause of a deadly crash that took place last Friday, and tragically claimed the life of at least one pilot and two passengers.  The incident occurred during a routine test flight of the new Virgin Galactic SpaceShipTwo.  Everything was going as planned until the craft suddenly began veering sharply off coarse, a catastrophic loss of control ultimately sent the tortured vessel plummeting towards the earth.  Analysts continue their efforts to account for what exactly went wrong, some pointing to pilot error as a possible factor.  This theory was greatly substantiated when it was revealed that the navigator in question was none other than Saturday Night Live recurring character, Toonces the Driving Cat.

The Floridian city known as South Miami is reportedly moving toward a drastic secession plan, which proponents say will allow residents to freely address the growing problems poised by encroaching sea levels, which steadily continue to rise.  City officials were dissatisfied by measures taken by the State, which they claim are unreasonable and stand contrary to modern science.  In a related story, the mighty State of Texas is looking to secede from the United States of America over what it considers a rising tide of change brought on by modern science and reasonable thinking.

Reports out of Riverside, California, tell of a gruesome story in which one sinister resident fulfilled every parent's worst nightmare by placing dangerous pricking needles inside dozens of seemingly harmless chocolate candies.  Authorities were stunned at the brazenness of the crime and how so many had been exposed so quickly.  The incident prompted law enforcement to issue immediate warnings to the entire area, advising parents to carefully inspect treats before consumption.  It was later learned by investigators that the heinous perpetrator of this ghoulish crime was none other than famous serial-killing stickler, Albert Fish, who was apparently caught red-handed shoving needles into his butter-nuts.






A self-styled historian and "necrologist" by the name of Anatoly Moskvin was arrested earlier this week after it was discovered that he had exhumed over 150 bodies, mostly those of females ranging from preteens to the late 60's.  The twisted body snatcher would often dress the cadavers in festive attire and use them to stage bizarre, ritualistic birthday celebrations for himself, which he would then record with a home video camera.  During one such celebration, things turned particularly ugly when the resurfaced corpse of Joan Rivers began heckling other party guests over their "ghastly" appearances, stating "Where did you dig up your fashion sense? A cemetery?"

Alan Eustace, the daring, young executive of Google, Inc., successfully fulfilled a life long dream after jumping from the literal edge of earth's sub-stratosphere, and effectively set a new world's record for skydiving.  When asked about his first reactions to the harrowing experience, Eustace described being utterly shocked by all the massive tabs placed all over the planet's surface, but marveled at their helpfulness and intuitive formatting. 













Police are on the hunt for a suspect who witnesses say was conducting an upskirt video shoot near the entrance of a local Phoenix Hobby Lobby department store.  While there are few credible leads surfacing in the case, detectives were able to put together a composite sketch of the man they are looking for:

Salem Police hastily responded to a call about a disgruntled man having barricaded himself inside his downtown apartment.  Upon entering the residence cops were stunned to find the whole place had been utterly demolished by explosives that were apparently set off from inside the domicile.  Records obtained from the property manager show the listed tenant as a Wile E. Coyote, who was reportedly upset over years of failed ambitions and unaccomplished dreams. 

Renowned actress Barbara Bowman has aggressively come out against former television star and funnyman Bill Cosby, openly accusing him of committing heinous acts of sexual violence against her while she was a young woman.  The Coz, she says, systemically abused female co-stars for years, often covering up his crimes by issuing vile threats or promising career advancement in the entertainment industry.  Ms. Bowman also claims that for years she was petrified by the memory of Cosby's clinking belt, stating "I knew something was wrong when he asked me if I wanted to lick his Jello puddin' pop."