Today in Headlines - Friday, December 5, 2014

For the second time in less than a month, Sony Pictures has been the target of a highly effective hacking campaign perpetrated by a mysterious collective known only as "The Guardians of Peace."  The group has transmitted rather ominous emails to throngs of Sony employees, threatening them and their families.  While intelligence officials have yet to unveil their own take on who might be conducting these operations, it has been widely speculated that the North Korean Government is directly responsible.  Warnings from the tiny reclusive nation were sternly issued to Sony Entertainment prior to it's release of The Interview, a film about a pair of goofy American media moguls who are given the rare opportunity to meet face to face with North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un, and are therefore asked to assassinate him for the good of humanity.  Kim was reportedly furious upon learning of the film's plot and quickly vowed retaliatory action should it be released.  The response was apparently limited to a cyber attack since the impoverished nation's long-range targeting capabilities run a bit on the lean side. 

New York Republican and Homeland Security Committee Chairman Peter King has effectively stoked bitter outrage after hypothesizing that if Eric Garner, the 43-year-old father of six who was choked to death by New York City police officer, had not been so incredibly obese, then he might have actually survived the brutal encounter on the streets of New York's Staten Island.  After being hit by considerable backlash over his blatant insensitive comments, the beef-headed Chairman attempted to smooth things over by explaining that he would not have made such a crass remark had he not been a total fucking idiot.

A new report released by the Justice Department has exposed an unusually high level of gross misconduct occurring throughout the entire Cleveland police department.  Investigators were said to be utterly shocked by the obvious pattern of violence, corruption and perjury going on unchecked and unaccounted for.  According to individuals close to the investigation, agents found the most disturbing aspect to be the unbelievably high rate of incompetence displayed by local officers.  Some blamed trainers for the environment of general impropriety. 

The small progressive country of Uruguay is currently preparing to receive some fairly unconventional guests.  After years of petitioning foreign governments to accept high profile prisoners from the infamous American detention facility at Guantanamo Bay Cuba, it seems the Obama administration has finally found itself a willing participant.  Apparently, they had submitted their requests in alphabetical order.

Attendees of a mid-western "Furry" convention were hastily evacuated after several attendees began complaining of dizziness and nausea associated with a strong gas presence emanating throughout the ninth floor a prestigious Hyatt hotel in downtown Rosemont, a suburb of Chicago.  Upon closer inspection, several hazardous waste technicians discovered powdered chlorine spread throughout a stairwell located in close proximity to where the event was taking place.  19 people were hospitalized but are expected to make a full recovery.  Police were called to the scene when panic stricken Furries caused a flamboyant stampede down West Bryn Mawr Avenue.

Today in Headlines - Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Many internet news readers were stunned last week as reports on the death of Kirk Douglas began filtering across cyberspace.  Fortunately for the Douglas clan, Kirk is alive and well, in fact, the legendary actor has recently published a book of poems called "Life Could Be Verse."  The false news of his death apparently began circulating after People Magazine erroneously published a prefabricated obit.  According to People insiders, the editorial staff was sharply divided on whether to run the piece, one stating "We just couldn't tell, I mean, look at him.  He looks pretty dead to me."

During an extensive audit of the Iraq National Army, lawmakers found that their already dwindling forces were speckled with nearly 50,000 "ghost soldiers."  Many claim these hollowed-out sections of the military have weakened the country's defenses as well as drained much needed cash and resources.  In an effort to prevent future dereliction, newly installed Prime Minister Haider Al-Abadi, has effectively sacked several prominent defense officials believed to have perpetrated the widespread misappropriation.  Meanwhile, the 50,000 ghost soldiers in question have sacked Gondor and are currently marching on Terres Lea.

Sarah Palin has dredged up a bit media coverage this week after posting what was intended to be a sardonic meme on her personal Facebook page.  The photo depicts the President in mid-speech with a caption that reads, "I will be signing a new executive order replacing the word 'looting' with 'undocumented shopping'."  The New York Times praised the former VP hopeful for managing to combine issues like Ferguson, the Executive and Immigration into one cleverly worded political zinger.  Others were just plain shocked at the former Governor's ability to meld poor Photoshop skills, misinformation and a total lack of humor into such a simple, yet profound, show of stupidity.  

Approximately 7.85 million rifles produced by Remington Rifle Company, the oldest gun manufacturer in the country, are set become a part of a nationwide "recall" of faulty triggers that for years caused random misfirings, many of them deadly.  A 2010 CNBC documentary entitled "Remington Under Fire," showed that Remington had engaged in fraudulent concealment practices in order to avoid paying a 5.5 cent cost to fix the crucial design flaw.  Fortunately, millions of gun owners will receive properly functioning mechanisms that will ensure safety and security to everyone.  According to industry insiders, the new triggers will impose a 3 day waiting period before blowing a whole in anything.

Today in Headlines - Monday, December 1, 2014

Despite serious divisions on policy toward Syria and Crimea, Russian President Vladimir Putin and Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan (or "Yippie" for short) seem to be closing in on a rather lucrative agreement that could change the way energy flows throughout the Middle East.

The two hardheaded demagogues were scheduled to attend an economic summit on important issues such as trade and energy.  Russia is currently courting Turkey in hopes that it might serve as a central hub for it's gas distribution throughout the region, possibly circumventing the troublesome Ukraine territory.  Unfortunately, Putin arrived on Monday when Turkey country had already been picked clean, apparently all that was left were the leftover nations of Yams and Stuffing.

The press secretary to Republican Stephen Fincher of Tennessee, has resigned following what many are calling a totally tasteless twitter attacked aimed at the first daughters over their lax holiday attire and unenthusiastic demeanor during a White House Thanksgiving Ceremony last Thursday.  Staffer Elizabeth Lauten characterized the girls as devoid of class and implored them to, quote, "rise to the occasion."  Lauten was immediately descended upon by both liberals and conservatives alike, even drawing ire from Jenna Bush who states that she is, quote, "fiercely protective" of the girls.  Some have blamed the high stress of the holiday season for inciting such nastiness, even citing the anxiety of Black Friday shopping as a culprit.  Which could make sense considering they were some pretty cheap shots.

Observing marine biologists are reportedly shocked and disturbed by what they say is a growing trend among salt water seals found throughout the British Isles.  Apparently, the often playful seafaring mammals have developed the unnatural tendency of killing local porpoises for what appears to be recreation.  No explanation has been presented as to why the normally friendly creatures would resort to such senseless brutality, leaving top researchers utterly baffled.  On a related note, many have drawn a morbid sort of inspiration from the phenomenon, one of those being writer/producer Ryan Murphy, who, according to inside sources, will use the abnormal occurrence as the basis for a new installment of television's most popular fear-inducing series,

Recent reports out of Budapest indicate a growing chorus of dissent among common Hungarians towards the United States and what is more often perceived its overly intrusive brand of foreign policy.  Some hard-line nationalists have accused the United States of meddling in the country's affairs by stoking a popular uprising against sitting Prime Minister Viktor Orban.  Commenting on the recent bellyaching out of Hungary, U.S. Senator John McCain said:

"Well, maybe if they'd just eat something, then they might not complain so much."

Female naval officers may have been subject to a gross violation of privacy at the hands of a fellow service member who had reportedly placed video recording devices in shows used by personnel onboard a United States Navy submarine.  The perpetrator has been identified as two dimensional sex fiend Glenn Quagmire.

Today in Headlines - Friday, November 21, 2014

U.S. Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel surprised the nation this week after officially announcing his resignation.  The move comes after months of interior wrangling over how to best address the growing threat posed by the Islamic State and similar networks throughout the Middle East.  When pressed for a more detailed explanation for his departure, Hagel simply uttered, "The first rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club."

The House Intelligence Committee has recently released it's findings on the 2012 U.S. compound attack in Benghazi.  The report comes at the end of a two year investigative process that left many right-leaning congressmen holding on to more questions than answers.  Republican heavyweight Lindsey Graham of South Carolina called the findings "total garbage", citing major inconsistencies and a relative lack of conclusions.  House Committee chairman and fellow GOP member Mike Rogers countered the claim by stating that the report was not garbage, but is, after all, 100% recyclable.

 

The 42-year-old stripper girlfriend of world renowned Olympian Michael Phelps shocked the world this week after announcing that she was, in fact, born "intersex."  In a rambling online post, Taylor Lianne Chandler claims that she and Phelps became acquainted through the popular hookup site Tinder, and shortly thereafter fell in love.  Chandler also divulged her true name, David Roy Fitch, and went on to explain how fear of negative exposure to Phelps career drove her to remain hidden from the public eye.  Though, some who are close to the 18 time Olympian have been trying to impose the truth for quite some time.

A young woman who purchased a firearm in preparation for possible civil unrest following the grand jury decision over whether to indict police officer Darren Wilson, has died by her own hands.  According to investigators, 26-year-old Becca Campbell purchased a small handgun from a firearms retailer in downtown St. Louis late Friday night.  She then proceeded to flash her newly acquired pistol, while gleefully proclaiming "I'm ready for Ferguson!"  The sight of the gun immediately prompted her boyfriend, who was driving at the time, to duck his head, leading to a traffic collision, which then caused Ms. Campbell to instantaneously discharge her firearm, resulting in a fatal shot to the head.  The incident is to be depicted in a new Rube Goldberg device entitled "The Mechanics of Utter Stupidity."

21-year-old Alyssa Ferraro has been charged with aggravated assault following a late night spat with her now former boyfriend.  According to Sergeant James Bradley of the Hooksett County Police Department, the couple had got into a heated argument over the Parker Bros. board game Monopoly, during which Ferraro slapped her partner across the face.  She was then taken into police custody and reportedly went directly to jail, did not pass go and did not collect $200.

Consumer concerns have prompted Apple Inc., to produce a new line of smart phones and tablets which they claim are "cop proof."  Following the shocking revelations of the NSA's mass domestic spying programs, coupled with the recent increase in surveillance capability acquired by local law enforcement, many in the market for personal devices are finding the promise of unfettered security for their private information increasingly attractive.  Apple says it's new encryption method is bound to keep their customer's data safe from the prying eyes of an out of control police state, although some remain skeptical.  In an even more daring response to contemporary societal woes, the progressive tech giant has produced the all new iPad Black, which will be marketed exclusively to the non-white community.  The device features a kevlar casing which can by used to shield it's dark skinned owners from police bullets and, in utilizing it's ultra-intuitive programming, will immediately contact paramedics the moment an encounter with law enforcement begins.