Today in Headlines - Thursday, July 31, 2014

A forthcoming report by the Senate Intelligence Committee shows that the CIA adopted extraordinarily brutal methods for torturing detainees collected in the aftermath of 9/11.  The techniques in question have been referred to in the national news media as "horrific, systematic, and widespread."  One Sen. Ron Wyden, a Committee member who was permitted to review the document, said, and I quote, "The American people will be profoundly disturbed about what will be revealed in this report."  Despite the severity of these revelations, the Senate Committee has taken unusually broad steps to protect the CIA's interests in the wake of the report's inevitable release, going as far as to omit the word "torture" from the entire volume, no doubt ensuring that no legal repercussions that might arise from such a distinction could possibly fall upon the actual perpetrators, who are to remain nameless.  A surprising concession considering the fact that the CIA had been accused earlier this year of spying on Senate Committee staffers working to compile the report.  Director, John Brennan, admitted on Thursday that CIA officials had, in fact, "penetrated" computers used by the Senate Committee members and their staff.

To which Beavis and Butthead commented, "Uh....huh...uuuuhhhh, he said 'penetrated,' Uh....huh huh."  "Heh...heh heh..that was cool...heh."

Former IRS official Lois Lerner is under fire again this week following the release of several emails showing her blatant disgust toward far-right conservatives, often referring to them as "crazies."  The National Alliance on Mental Illness was quick to respond, stating, "hey, that's not cool, man."

According to Salon staff writer, Andrew Leonard, there is a veritable 'war' being waged on Nerds.  The National Review, a relatively moderate conservative publication, has recently produced an article in which it's author makes the case that liberals are attaching themselves to the "Nerd" designation to promote the idea that they are, in fact, smarter than their social/political/ideological counterparts.  Figures such as Neil DeGrasse Tyson, Bill Nye "The Science Guy," and others have recently stoked hostilities from the right over their noncompliance with backward conservative perceptions on everything from basic world history to the concept of gravity.  Some right-wingers have been wary of entering the fray, fearing the inevitable "revenge" of the Nerds.

A study conducted by researchers at Stanford University has shown that Hummingbirds are still superior to man-made drones in flight efficiency and maneuverability. Although this is impressive for nature, mankind is not far behind.  Only the best avian test subjects, the Anna's Hummingbirds, scored just 20% higher than their mechanical rivals.  Areas in which the Hummingbirds did poorly included the bombing of Pakistani farmers, spying on American civilians, and delivering packages for Amazon.

And finally, in Palin news today, the former Governor's newly started internet television network has apparently filled an important position in it's newscast lineup.  Former Heaven's Gate cult leader, Marshall Applewhite, will be the official meteorologist for PalinTV.  Tomorrow's forecast, more crazy shit.