To the shock of millions of Hello Kitty fans the world over, it was revealed this week that the roughly 40-year-old Japanese icon is in fact a human girl, and not a cat as previously thought. As it turns out Hello Kitty suffers from a rare combination of skin bleaching vitiligo and severe malformation due to advanced elephantiasis, much like her cartoon predecessor Betty Boop. Other animated figures have been known to endure similar physical ailments, such as Pop-Eye the Sailor Man with his famous forearm tumors, or take for example the much loved character Charlie Brown, whose giant lumpy head was actually puss filled time-bomb, festering with diseased rotting flesh.
In related news, 39-year-old Dan Maurer from Michigan is said to be nervously readying himself for a "testy" surgical procedure that, if successful, will finally remove a ghastly 100-pound growth from inside his tortured scrotum. Maurer says he is relieved that he may at long last get a chance to lead a normal, non-giant-ball-sack lifestyle, hoping it will bring some regularity to his much hindered love life. When asked what the doctors plan to do with the extracted mass of tissue, one physician informed us that the bio-waste would in all likelihood be used to constitute additional Kardashians, with a small portion being set aside for Geraldo Rivera's routine cheek implants.
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Citing recent events in Iraq and Syria, intelligence analysts with Britain's GCHQ have issued a new assessment of terror plots potentially targeting the tiny island nation. It is believed that sleeper agents working with the Islamic State militant group ISIS may try to orchestrate fiendish attacks on innocent Britons sometime in the immediate future. As a result, the national terror alert level for the United Kingdom was raised this week, taking it from "spot of bother" to "oh bloody hell."
Apparently cyclists are taking increasing bold steps to safegaurd their middle school appropriate method of transportation. From removing pedals and wheels, to purchasing a bendable frame which literally wraps around most city signposts. Even one rider went so far as to affix a rubber dildo onto the bike frame in place of a traditional seat. The velocipede was immediately picked up by CNN news anchor Anderson Cooper, who proceeded to joyfully cruise through the busy streets of downtown New York, head cocked, body rigid, and obviously feeling quite secure upon his pedal powered conveyance.
In a related story a couple shopping at a local Walmart was arrested for trying to pilfer sex toys during an early morning shopping trip last Thursday in Warrensville, Florida. The young couple had attempted to smuggle their phallic cargo through the self-checkout lane, but were foiled by observant clerks who noticed an unsightly bulge in one customer's handbag. Upon being confronted by police, the couple admitted to stealing a single jelly-rubber dildo from the well stocked superstore. Onlookers were perplexed as to why they didn't just go for the more plentiful multi-pack available in sets of 12 to 24.
Apparently cyclists are taking increasing bold steps to safegaurd their middle school appropriate method of transportation. From removing pedals and wheels, to purchasing a bendable frame which literally wraps around most city signposts. Even one rider went so far as to affix a rubber dildo onto the bike frame in place of a traditional seat. The velocipede was immediately picked up by CNN news anchor Anderson Cooper, who proceeded to joyfully cruise through the busy streets of downtown New York, head cocked, body rigid, and obviously feeling quite secure upon his pedal powered conveyance.
Longtime television personality Joan Rivers was taken into intensive care following a problematic surgery performed last Thursday. Initial reports indicate that Rivers had stopped breathing during the procedure and subsequently suffered a mild cardiac arrest during her unconscious state. Rivers' condition was described as critical, even prompting doctors to apply a medical induced coma in order to ease her much needed recovery. Fortunately for reporters, several artificial portions of the style guru's supplemented anatomy were very much alive and willing to field questions from the entertainment media at large.
Owners of a Manhattan area Taco Bell restaurant are in a heap of legal trouble this week after a vigilant cashier helped local police uncover a ridiculous plot to pass on counterfeit $20 bills to unwitting customers. The attentive employee known only as "J.A." grew suspicious after supervisors attempted to convince him that the Taco Bell at which he worked was deeply involved in an ongoing undercover sting operation. Not believing the ridiculous story, J.A. sought the help of local investigators who quickly shut the scammers down. In addition to being charged over the distribution of fake bills, the Taco Bell franchisees will also be brought up on charges for apparently passing on counterfeit beef. 
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