Today in Headlines - Monday, August 25, 2014

While many head to France for the fine cuisine, and others go to places like Bangkok for the cheap abundant sex, apparently some head to the mountainous countryside of Switzerland for the sweet release of death.  Yes, it's suicide tourism, and it has apparently become big business in the land of chocolate bars and lederhosen.  According to a recent study published in Law, Ethics and Medicine Journal, as many as 600 individuals, ranging between ages 23 to 97, crossed into the Northern mountainous region to take advantage it's legal ambiguity on assisted suicide.  The method of choice for many seeking the final exit is a lethal cocktail of sodium pentobarbital, though an increasing majority have opted for a more signature Swiss conveyance, giving a whole new meaning to the phrase, "death by chocolate."

A small fruit company in China has added a new creepy touch to their line of delectable produce.  "Baby Pears" are quickly becoming a much sought after novelty item after appearing in several media outlets as the latest in a long line of oddly molded fruits and vegetables.  The aptly named producer, Fruit Mould, has sold a remarkable number of items including square shaped apples, heart shaped watermelons, even peaches donning underwear.  But some, find the twist on creation to be a bit unnerving, especially when the company unveiled it's newest crop which included Dolly Parton melons, and Jamie Farr bananas.  





  

Thousands of Yazidis women across Iraq are pleading for international assistance as they are being forced in droves to marry scruffy nerf herding militants belonging to the international fighting force known as ISIS.  The brutish reality of life under extreme Islamic laws has caused many to make desperate attempts to flee their psychotic male captors, though some, literally beaten into submission, have expressed an unfortunate willingness to acquiesce, stating simply, "well, at least it's not Kanye."











A popular Italian eatery in New Taipei, Taiwan, has caused a massive uproar over the name of one of it's best selling dishes.  A pasta bowl that happens to be generously adorned with German sausage was given the name "Long Live the Nazis" by restaurant manager Chao Ya-hsin, who claims it had never occurred to him that the title might encounter so much opposition.  German and Israeli representatives were quick to pounce on the establishment, known locally as "The Rockmill," and after much public outcry, the name of the dish was eventually changed to "Long Live Purity."  Though some outspoken critics are yet to be appeased, especially after discovering a shockingly ill-conceived pastry on the menu dubbed, "Long Live Kermit Gosnell." 

And finally, President Obama issued a statement officially condemning the gruesome execution of journalist James Foley at the hands of the ISIS, calling the act, quote, "barbaric terrorism."  Obama went on to say that if you are going to target journalists bent on exposing wartime horrors, you should first surveil their emails, plant evidence in their apartment, and then, if all else fails, have the C.I.A. run them off the road by hacking their automobile's on-board computer system, sending them crashing into a fiery death.  See the killing of Michael Hastings.