Today in Headlines - Wednesday, August 6, 2014

 
A small capuchin monkey has reportedly bitten a woman while she was standing outside a popular Southern California pizzeria, prompting authorities to impound the ravenous beast before it could strike again.  The victim, 38-year-old Tricia Moreno was utterly flabbergasted by the incident, describing the monkey as attention starved and completely out of good material. Upon further examination it was found that the primate in custody was actually washed up actor-comedian, Chris Kattan.







The popular internet publication known as VICE is warning it's readers not to "smoke out" their neighbors, lest they end up seriously altering their mental and/or emotional stability, leading to a catastrophic "freak out" situation.  Contributor T. Kid chronicles the time he lit up a fatty blunt with a local weed-head, only to find out his companion was a totally paranoid, delusional wack-job.  Likewise, it is advised not to live next to Charlie Sheen.

Two stupid men from West Virginia are in police custody tonight after allegedly attempting to "carve out" a tattoo situated on the arm of their unconscious roommate.  Upon awakening, the victim voiced his vehement objections, prompting the aggressors to begin dousing the already wounded appendage with flammable liquid and then setting it ablaze.  It's no surprise that the two men, both in their early thirties, are members of the increasingly notable group known internationally as "Juggalos."  Things turned particularly ugly when police were called in on a similar matter involving two Star Wars nerds trying to perform laser eye surgery on an unwilling Juggalo. 

Textbooks containing gross distortions of science and history are now the target of a scathing review by internet powerhouse Mother Jones.  Citing content from the Bob Jones (no relation) University Press private school curriculum, thousands of unwitting school children are being taught that dinosaur bones uncovered by archaeologists are actually the mystical remains of dragons who once populated the planet as is apparently depicted in the bible.  Pseudoscience researchers are unfortunately taking things a step further by claiming that the wound often depicted on the upper torso of Christ was not actually caused by a Roman's spear, but rather a perfectly normal unicorn. 

According to PC Magazine, internet users are finding that if they enter the words "completely wrong," into a Google Images search request, the results will display a virtual cornucopia of webpages displaying images of former presidential hopeful, Mitt Romney.  Other "google bombs" have been known to effect similar personalities.  In 2004, a search for "miserable failure" would mostly yield pages related to then President George W. Bush.  There's no joke in that, it's actually true.

In the wake of what is being considered one of the largest data breaches history, The New York Times is offering readers a little advice on how to keep their online accounts free from the vile clutches of meddling hackers.  Tip No. 1, instead of using a password such as 1234, use something like, 4321.  On a similar note, it is being advised that in order to keep your private information out of the grasp of the NSA, you should simply cease to exist.