Today in Headlines - Friday, August 15, 2014

The Kremlin this week placed a virtual muzzle over the lizard-like maw of Russian President Vladimir Putin during a much anticipated speech he delivered while visiting the disputed region of Crimea last Thursday.  No one is entirely sure as to why but, just briefly before the scheduled event was to commence, Kremlin officials suddenly canceled the exclusive live video feed, essentially cutting off most of the world's major news media outlets.  The only available footage had been carried over the restrictive state controlled media, and was not accompanied by sound.  Some viewers reported an intermittent "hissing" noise being heard throughout the broadcast, which of course quickly led several well known conspiracy theorists to declare that Russian President Vladimir Putin is, in fact, a godforsaken Sleestak.

A young mother from South Carolina was arrested on Friday for using what police say was an excessive amount of profanity in front of her two young children.  The incident occurred during a routine shopping trip at a local Kroger supermarket, when an observant shopper noticed that 32-year-old Danielle Wolf was spouting obscenities like Mel Gibson at a highway traffic stop.

But despite the obvious inappropriateness of her actions, Ms. Wolf had not actually committed any crimes, leaving the local police department no choice but to turn her loose.  As she was departing the downtown station, arresting Officer Dan Smith apologized for the inconvenience, to which Ms. Wolf replied, "fuck you very much." 

Danity Kane, an American girl group, who in 2005 obtained limited notoriety as the final product of MTV's Making the Band television series, has reportedly broken up.  While recording in Downtown Los Angeles, performer Dawn Richards allegedly hurled a punch at fellow group member Aubrey O'day.  Following the news of the recent breakup, it was revealed today, via Twitter, that the group's yet to be completed album would be put on hold indefinitely and that the group did not actually own any of the rights to the featured songs.  Most online spectators were greatly dumbfounded by the news, as most of them had not the slightest idea of who in the hell Danity Kane is, or was.

Miley Cyrus is back in the news this week after reportedly going "glamping" in a remote wooded area outside Nashville, Tennessee.  As opposed to packing provisions such as food and water, Ms. Cyrus apparently brought with her only young male/female models, and Apple Pie Moonshine.  During the weekend excursion it was reported that the troop experienced a startling encountered a group of bears.  Luckily, Miley was able to use the hypnotic motion of her twerking to subdue the wild beasts, then forced them to perform in one of her obscene and degrading live stage shows.  

A 2,000-year-old cemetery, located along the Nile River in Southwestern Sudan, is yielding some fairly significant discoveries for eager archaeologists who have been excavating the site since it was accidentally discovered back in 2002.  Among the ancient treasures recently unearthed were some handcrafted silver rings depicting the god Amun, arrowheads and archers thumb rings made of stone, and a particularly spooky faience box depicting the ancient symbol of the "evil eye."  Accompanying the "evil eye" box were other unsettling items such as the "evil" monkey hand from The Simpsons, the "evil" painting from Night Gallery, and Marilyn Manson's "evil" testicles."

A 47-year-old Venezuelan woman was arrested by Spanish police Thursday after flying from Colombia to Barajas, carrying what authorities claim were two crudely inserted breast implants containing approximately 1.7 kilograms of cocaine (about 4 pounds).  The nervous suspect, who quickly confessed to her crime, was immediately charged with drug trafficking and taken to an area hospital to have the "fun bags" removed.  

Luckily, the ever watchful airport security detail were particularly keen on checking out the large breasted women passing through the terminals and were immediately drawn to the suspiciously voluminous bust of their daring smuggler.  

This incident comes just weeks after the news of socialite and human-feline hybrid, Jocelyn Wildenstein, being booked on possession of at least one pound of high quality marijuana.  According to detectives, what had appeared to be large clumps of diseased flesh festering beneath her battered facial tissue, are actually phat nuggles of sweet, sweet, Bubba Kush.  

Upon discovering this hidden treasure trove of pinty goodness, hip-hop rap star, and known scavenger smoker, Snoop Doggy Dogg, promptly picked her bones clean.