Today in Headlines - Late Monday, August 11, 2014

The neo-smutrag publication Jezebel is taking a new look at some of the old cast members of the once popular television phenom Laguna Beach. Personalities such as Lauren Conrad, Kristin Cavallari, Morgan Olsen, and Trey Phillips, have been featured throughout an intriguing, albeit shocking, then-and-now photo montage depicting the wild transformations that have taken place post stardom. 

Little shit Justin Bieber has been ordered to pay the paltry sum of $50,000 in compensatory damages and to attend anger management classes as per a court judgement handed down today in Dade County, Florida.  This ruling marks the end of just one episode in a long string of legal entanglements, mostly brought on by the douchey pop star's unruly behavior.  Bieber is certainly not the first celebrity to gain notoriety as an out of control party animal bent on self-destruction.  Many of his ilk these days believe that skirting the law and incurring it's subsequent wrath is but a small price to pay for getting their names trending on the Facetube.  In fact, the support group that Bieber is ordered to partake in has quite the laundry list of famously dysfunctional Hollywood wack-a-doos.  Those expected to be in attendance include actress turned cat-lady Amanda Bynes, former skinhead Brittany Spears, Saturday night rowdy Shia LaBeouf, alcohol receptacle Lindsay Lohan, and human coke straw Macaulay Culkin.  Meetings will be opened by Chapter President, Mel Gibson (you know, I could have gone with Charlie Sheen, or Gary Busey, but let's give those guys a rest.  I mean, why beat a dead horse? That just sounds like something Charlie Sheen or Gary Busey would do.  Could you imagine those two guys out in some pasture in the middle of the night flogging the shit out of a dead horse?  Which they probably killed by feeding it cocaine, or ecstasy, or even DXM).

NASCAR driver Tony Stewart is facing a torrent of questions and accusations after his sprint car struck and killed fellow driver Kevin Ward Jr. during a race last Saturday.  The severity of his actions suddently hit Stewart when he realized he wasn't a cartoon character and that when you hit real bodies with a 2 ton automobile going 120 miles an hour, it tends to rupture internal organs (not cartoon organs), and cause terminal death (again, not cartoon death where you float up to heaven briefly and then realize you have to kill the cat, mouse, dog or whatever, and then float back down to earth, yeah, not that kind, the guy is actually dead).  Judges watching the race determined that Ward Jr. was only worth about 25 points.  That's according to guidelines set forth by the Creed Bratton Standards and Practices of Vehicular Manslaughter.

Multitudes of fans the world over were shocked and saddened when they learned of the unfortunate and untimely death of actor-comedian Robin Williams.  Williams, who starred in movies like Good Morning Vietnam, Hook, and Mrs. Doubtfire, was found dead Monday at his home in Marine County, just North of San Francisco.  The onsite coroner determined that Mr. William had tragically fallen from a random jumping off point, subsequently impaling himself on one of his own sharp witticisms.  He will be greatly missed.

In legal news, 29-year-old Zoe Brugger received a meager $25,000 settlement from the City of Lakeland, Florida, after what many are calling yet another example of law enforcement trampling the Fourth Amendment.  Brugger claims that local police officers violated her civil rights when they repeatedly ordered her to shake out her bra during what she describes as a particularly heinous, not to mention humiliating, roadside stop that occurred late one Sunday night in a dark remote parking lot.  The victim eventually brought her grievances before the State Attorneys Office, who ultimately pressed the City to reach a speedy settlement.  This most recent incident comes hot on the heels of another major upset over a 35-year old Atlanta woman named Venus Bernardo, who was inappropriately asked to shake out her ass with a little roadside twerking outside a Rallys in Tampa.  The City Council paid out an additional $250,000 to Venus, which they fiendishly slipped into the complainant's g-string while hooting, hollering and drinking Alize.