Today in Headlines - Monday, August 18, 2014

World renowned data activist and journalist, Julian Assange, announced on Monday that he would soon depart from the Ecuadorean Embassy in London where has spent the past two years avoiding criminal prosecution over rape charges filed against him in 2011.  Many view the highly questionable complaint as mere retaliation for the 2010 release of classified Pentagon documents pertaining to the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, as well as millions of diplomatic cables, effectively exposing the massive fraud that is American foreign policy.  Assange has yet to specify when he will leave his longtime refuge, but many are anxiously awaiting any sign of his emergence.  It is said that if Assange sees his shadow upon emerging from the Ecuadorean burrow, that will mean an additional six weeks of political asylum.

An elderly woman who has made repeated attempts to board airline flights without a boarding pass was again arrested this week after she was discovered on board a Southwest Airlines flight going from San Jose to Los Angeles.  62-year-old Marilyn Jean Hartman claims she did not mean any harm, but has repeatedly disregarded judicial orders to stay away from airports, receiving a 2 year probation sentence.  Shortly after her arrest, Marilyn was released due to overcrowding in the city jail.  Officers assured reporters that the woman did not appear to pose any flight risk.  

Once again, the people of Ferguson, Missouri, poured into the streets this evening to voice their outrage over the latest bout of police brutality toward unarmed black civilians.  Things grew tense as the announcement from the City Coroners Office showed that Michael Brown had, in fact, been shot a total of six times during the altercation with police that ultimately led to his tragic death.  A raffle was held by demonstration leaders in which protesters could guess how many times Mr. Brown had been hit by Darren Wilson's bullets.  Seen below are participants who had apparently selected 4, 5, 7 or 8 gunshot wounds.  A total of 6 was the answer we were looking for, 6.  Better luck next time.

It was recently revealed during a particularly candid interview with Vulture magazine, that Jim Parrack, who portrays Hoyt Fortenberry on HBO's widely popular series "True Blood"  does, in fact, drink real human blood (Type A to be exact).  Parrack explained that he usually ingested small amounts of the red, red vino drawn exclusively from his new fiance Leven Rambin (Hunger Games), who also reportedly participates in the vampiric activity.

Additionally it was revealed that Breaking Bad actor, Bryan Cranston, occasionally enjoys a phat rock of meth,  Hannibal's Mads Mikkelsen does in his off-time munch on human flesh , and Sue Sylvester from FOX's Glee, is in life an actual monstrous bitch.

A well liked babysitter from Switzerland has made headlines this week for sending cleverly photoshopped images depicting what are often frighteningly dangerous situations to the parents of her kinder clientele.  Many of the photos were tastefully doctored to feature comical situations such as a freaky UFO abduction, being chased by a monstrous T-Rex, or recoiling from a venomous springing cobra.  Unfortunately, the attention quickly turned troublesome when the sitter in questions, one Erica Sigrist, was angrily chastised for sending what one parent found to be a particularly disturbing image, which is depicted below: