WE'RE BACK! Giant-Size Update - Sunday, October 5, 2014

WE'RE BACK!  After a prolonged hiatus over the sweltering month of September, we finally return with a spleen biting update featuring all new vile denunciations, heartless ridicule, and just plain cheap-shots. Our favorite freaks and losers are callously represented here throughout one lengthy rambling tirade.  Behold, the Giant-Size Update:

NASA has announced an incredibly lucrative partnership between well-established aeronautics developer Boeing ($4.2 billion); and their most direct commercial competitor, SpaceX ($2.6 billion).  The two ventures have been issued a strict mandate by Congress to speedily design, test, and certify viable spacecraft capable of transporting up to 7 passengers, no later than 2017.  Since retiring it's aging shuttle fleet in 2011, the United States has for many years relied upon the Russians to "taxi" American astronauts to and from the International Space Station, paying out a a hefty fare of $70 million per person, per ride.  The urgent shift towards independence comes amid increased tensions between Russia and the United States.  When asked about the potential cost to taxpayers generated by such a domestic undertaking, the assigned helmsman of the prospective space-taxi program, one Travis Bickle, combatively responded:

"Are you talkin' to me?  Are you talkin' to me?  I'm the only one standing here, so you must be talking to me."

The U.S. Customs and Border Protection Agency issued a statement indicating that nearly 9 pounds of pure unrefined opium had been discovered during a post flight inspection at San Francisco International Airport last Monday.  The smuggler had reportedly come out of Thailand carrying a parcel containing a total of 66 individually packaged bars of soap.  Authorities state they became alarmed after receiving numerous phone calls about local residents spending protracted amounts of time in the shower, often zoning out to Leonard Cohen.

A deadly shooting that took place in Canadenis, Pennsylvania last week, is leading to more questions than answers as authorities continue their manhunt for an incredibly elusive suspect who is thought to be making his way across dense upstate woodlands, carrying only a hunting knife and a roll of duct tape.  Police indicate that a local man opened fire inside a remote state troopers barracks, killing at least two, and then immediately fled the scene.  When asked whether police had any leads, State Police Commissioner Frank Noonan was quoted as saying that officers were currently pursuing a person of interest they believe may be involved with the shooting.  The suspect in question is Scranton's own, "Prison Mike."

Last Thursday, DOJ headmaster and known liberal legal activist Eric Holder incited a maelstrom of speculation across Capital Hill after making the surprise announcement that he would soon be resigning from the prestigious post as Attorney General.  Upon reporting of Holder's imminent departure, ever-mediocre internet news outlet Politico boldly declared that Eric Holder was "Great on Drugs."  The queerly worded headline sparked immediate commentary all across the online herbal-sphere, with one statement coming from 1998 Half Baked movie character "The Enhancement Smoker," who quipped:  

"You ever seen the Attorney General, man?...You ever seen the Attorney General...

Tim Draper, the noted technology investor who recently proposed dividing the State of California into six separate territories, has failed miserably in his effort to gather the statutory number of signatures required to launch a statewide ballot initiative.  However, the Draper camp says that while they are disappointed, they will not be discouraged, citing that their ideologically entrenched brain-trust is already concocting a revised approach to influencing public opinion.  Such efforts would include the breaking down of their overall platform into six crappier ideas.

Computing giant Microsoft has reportedly purchased the incredibly popular Minecraft video game franchise.  Microsoft, which also owns the blockbuster games series Halo, paid out a substantial cash total of $2.5 billion to small-time developer Mojang, the programming collaborative responsible for much of Minecraft's success.  In keeping with the game's thematic nature, the enormous payout will be made in the form of pixelated gold and iron ingots.  

Self proclaimed nerdist figurehead, and sole creator of Minecraft, Mark Persson, stated in an interview with PC Magazine that it's, quote "not about the money, it's about my sanity." He also mentioned that the sale would free up a lot of time to masturbate in his garage.

A somewhat progressive Chinese insurance group is making headlines this week over a truly odd-duck sales promotion flaunting strange and obscure policies, which the company says are meant to drive consumer acquisition in a persistently stalled economy.  Ping An Insurance Group Co of China Ltd has reportedly offered coverage on contingencies such as "naughty children, bride becoming pregnant before the wedding, soccer teams being eliminated from the world cup finals, over-drinking, being attacked by hooligans and defective concubines."

An American insurance company is now following suit by offering potential clients affordable coverage on "being shot by the police, being shot while attending pre-school, being shot on a college campus, being shot in a movie theater, being shot on a military base, and/or, finding yourself rabidly attracted to a popular insurance company spokeswoman."

Following the incredibly successful propaganda campaign waged by the up and coming terror syndicate most commonly known as the Islamic State, there is no doubt these new youngblood extremists have taken center stage in the cockamamie world of violent religious fanaticism.  As a result they have quite effectively displaced the once ominous, now scattered and befuddled, Al Qaeda.  In a desperate bid to stay relevant, the group's strong-arm cohorts have set up an online presence to compete with ISIS and their steadily trending onslaught of the Twitter.  Now known as "The Qaed", terror leaders announced today that they would be taking Myspace by storm.  Those already on their friends list include:  That guy Tom, Metal Sanaz, Dennis Rodman, and about 92 sexy webcam porn-bots.  Oh yeah, and Bert.  

HBO talk show host and former Married...with Children cast member, Bill Maher, was recently quoted during a one-on-one interview with Salon's Joel Keller, that he "refuses" to watch John Oliver's rival comedy series Last Week Tonight, which in recent weeks has gained status as a formidable cable television phenomena.  Apparently, Maher said he had once tried to take in the program, but was constantly distracted by the sound of his own popularity being sucked out of the room.

Now in law enforcement news, police in Chesterfield County are scratching their heads tonight after a lowly gas station attendant successfully warded of a masked gunman who attempted to rob an Exxon Mobile station last Saturday night.  The fearless clerk swung his mighty mop of justice, successfully unmasking the would-be bandit who then promptly fled the scene.  Local authorities would not identify the lone defender, but footage obtained by local security cameras has confirmed the involvement of 1984 Troma movie hero, The Toxic Avenger.  Affectionately referred to by fans as, "Toxie." 

A senior law enforcement agent is in hot water this week after he fell victim to a petty criminal after leaving his government issued sedan unlocked while parked at a service station in Knutsford.  By all accounts, the theft was hardly innocuous.  Items lifted from the agent's vehicle included cellphones, a police radio kit, ID cards, various personal documents, as well as training notes.  Local police were able to nab the perpetrator, one Peter Mark McHugh, a 43-year-old repeat offender.  While the UK's National Crime Agency claims they adhere to the highest possible standards, some could not help but question the logic of placing the service station security detail in the hands of known bungler, Agent Mr. Bean.

The Palin Family grabbed some headlines this past week after reports surfaced of a booze-fueled fist-fight which broke out during a late night celebration following the Iron Dog snowmobile race held outside Anchorage, Alaska.  By all accounts, the VP hopeful's kin had quickly resorted to punching and kicking after a drunk and belligerent Track Palin confronted a fellow party goer who was rumored to have occasionally knock boots with a "young and nimble" Bristol Palin.  Bristol, according to eye witness accounts, has a wicked right hook.

Shortly after the altercation, meat-ball Track was seen milling around outside the residence, shirtless, and flipping people off alongside the former Governor.  Todd was reportedly nursing a broken nose -like a bitch.

Now the whole clan is said to be heading down to Chicago, Illinois for a special return episode of the ever-popular Jerry Springer Show.

As one of Northern England's most beautiful attractions, the Alnwick Gardens draw in over 600,000 patrons every year.  The 14 acre site features luxurious cascading fountains, beautifully manicured topiaries, and of course, murder...  That's right, the garden at Alnwick castle, as renovated by the eccentric Duchess of Northumberland, Jane Percy, is filled to the brim with extremely poisonous and often deadly exotic plant life.  In a recent interview addressing the somewhat morbid choice in foliage, the royal nut-bar mentioned that, "I thought, 'This is a way to interest children," and "children don’t care that aspirin comes from a bark of a tree. What’s really interesting is to know how a plant kills you." (I know, she actually said that, what the fuck is wrong with English people?)

In all there are around 100 infamous "killer" plants on display at Alnwick, observers are strenuously cautioned not to stop and smell the flowers.  Those on display include: 

Energy industry advocates, threatened by an insurmountable wave of fully accredited scientific evidence, have recently resorted to less than dutiful methods in propagating the illusion of broad based public support.  According to the Asheville Citizen-Times, the North Carolina Energy Coalition secretly paid homeless men and women an undisclosed sum of money to gather in and around Western Carolina University while it hosted a state sponsored symposium on the ghastly consequences of hydraulic fracking.  Participants who engaged the pro-energy crowd later described how it quickly became apparent that the mangy bused-in supporters knew absolutely nothing about energy policy, much less the science of natural gas extraction.  Spokespersons for the North Carolina advocacy group expressed utter surprise, stating, "those tend to be the kind of people who support us anyway."

Durp!

Members of a popular, now unwelcome, California nudist camp have been accused of ripping off substantial amounts of water from various municipal sources.  When asked what tipped off investigators, they explained that some local residents became alarmed by a conspicuous troop of naked people running away with hefty swinging jugs.

The famed Andy Warhol capsules were finally brought to bare this week in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.  Executors of the Warhol estate met with industry big-wigs and artsy-fartsy press agents to unveil the long forgotten contents locked away by Warhol more than 30-years ago.  Items were meticulously removed from the capsules and cataloged by museum directors.  Some of the specimens on display included a glass jar full of brown jelly beans, Nico's talent, and a patent Warhol-style rendering of Garfield the Cat. 

A particularly gory piece news out of New York this week, after a local resident decapitated himself in broad daylight at the corner of Roosevelt Blvd. and Hopper Ave., in central Brooklyn.  At approximately 9:35 A.M., 51-year-old Tomas Rivera reportedly parked his 2005 Honda CRV on Hopper Ave., exited the vehicle, and proceeded to attach a steel chain to a nearby pole.  Afterward, Rivera fastened the opposite end of the chain around his own neck.  Upon reentering his vehicle, Rivera, quote "floored it," effectively ripping his own head clean off.  Police were somewhat baffled by the utter gruesomeness of the act, calling it "incomprehensible."  It was later determined that Tomas had recently converted to a radical form of Islam, and upon realizing he was an American citizen, abruptly decided to behead himself.

Now for an update on a previously reported story:  Apparently the elusive gunman involved in the senseless slaying of two Pennsylvania State Troopers nearly two weeks ago today is not, I repeat, not local malefactor Prison Mike.  Authorities cite that materials obtained in the course of the statewide manhunt have yielded enough DNA evidence to determine the shooters identity beyond all reasonable doubt.  Recently discovered items included soiled diapers, as well as several empty packs of cheap Serbian cigarettes.  Focus was immediately drawn toward retired cartoon character and known gambling addict Herman Baby, most notable for his role in the 1988 Disney classic, Who Framed Roger Rabbit.

Researchers with the Swiss Federal Institute of Technology have discovered that the iconic 12-pound bells traditionally place around the necks of regional dairy cows can, in many cases, result in irreparable harm to the helpless bovine.  Possible side-effects included deafness, disorientation and loss of appetite.  The bells in question produce a noise level of up to 113 decibels, not unlike that of a gas-powered chainsaw.  While farmers insist the accessories are an important part of the Country's cultural heritage, animal right advocates in Zurich say they may have to go.  Prompting fictional music producer Bruce Dickinson, yes, the Bruce Dickinson, to counter:

A violent domestic dispute turned deadly this week in Spartanburg, South Carolina.  At around 10.00 P.M. late Thursday night, two men allegedly squatting inside a vacant duplex on the 4700 block of Springwells Ave., were heard engaging in a loud, sporadically violent argument.  Things unfortunately took a turn for the worse when one of them resorted to lighting the other on fire and then pushed the gasoline soaked victim out of a second story window.

One man suffered burns covering 98% of his body and died at the scene.  The arsonist was not unscathed and sustained burns on over 75% of his body and died on the way to the hospital.  The two were said to be quarreling over who would control the much coveted television remote.  They were later identified by neighbors as local degenerates, Beavis and Butthead.

Oscar-winning film actor Cuba Gooding, Jr. landed in the headlines this week for his "in the buff" appearance during a pro-hockey event at Chicago's United Center on Tuesday.  Cuba reportedly arrived already intoxicated and had to be subdued by security after groping several female attendants.  Mr. Jr. later took part in the celebrity "shoot the puck" competition, reportedly pulling off an unexpected victory.  Cuba then proceeded to disrobe while skating around the rink flexing his muscles and thrusting his pelvis forward. The United Center has specifically banned the playing of one famous instrumental anthem entitled The Stripper in an effort to discourage such offensive behavior (which I guess is now common at hockey games?).  Obviously Cuba needed no musical inspiration, a hefty rock of crack would apparently suffice.

A woman idiot from France claims to have finally achieved her life-long dream of becoming the first sex-doll/barbie-humanoid.  Accredited fashion model Victoria Wild has successfully undergone over $50,000 worth of cosmetic surgery in her pursuit of irreversible freakishness.  Some of her adjustments included implants in her lips, breasts and buttocks, as well as botox treatment and a nose-job.

Wild's slimy French boyfriend reportedly "loves" the new inflatable sex-toy look, which he dutifully paid for, and was elated to learn he might actually save a few shekels on procedures since apparently Victoria is already an air-head.  

Former KTVA Anchorage newscaster Charlo Greene has sparked international notoriety this week over her outspoken stance on the legalization of recreational marijuana throughout the State of Alaska.  Her impromptu revelation was made during an editorial segment covering one local dispensary, in which Greene happens to hold a majority stake.  The admission of Charlo's vested interest in the Alaska Cannabis Club and her subsequent "off-color" resignation was immediately met with bitter condemnation from KTVA executives and FCC officials.  Greene's actual closing remark, "Fuck it, I quit", while passionately made, was largely seen as vulgar and inappropriate -by people with sticks up their asses.

A wave of similar acknowledgements has swept the cable news world in recent days, bringing forth a cavalcade of TMI moments from some of our most well known commentators.

NBA Sideline reporter Craig Sager states, "Fuck it, I make chocolate for Willy Wonka"

Rachel Maddow admits, "Fuck it, I'm a clone of Buddy Holly"

Fox News contributor Shep Smith declares, "Fuck it, I'm a dangerous sodomite"

And fictional KVWN news anchor Ron Burgundy caps things off with, "Fuck it, these movies are terrible"