Today in Headlines - Monday, November 17, 2014

The Vice President of Uber Technologies is in hot water this week over comments he made during a recent interview with Bloomberg Television.  In it he described his efforts to "dig up dirt" on reporters who wrote unfavorably about the still flowering business.  VP Emil Michael stated he considered the practice "fair play," and thoroughly rejected the notion of any impropriety.  Most recently it was learned that Emil had utilized his company's "god view" street monitoring software to track the movements of journalists he meant to target.  When confronted about the ethical questions raised by such activities, Mr. Michael simply laughed them off, again insisting his methods are totally legitimate, citing the curriculum he learned while attending the J. Edgar Hoover School of Business.

Here a glazed eyed Emil poses cheerfully after having just smoked the First Amendment

Over 40,000 Masai pastoralists are currently living under the threat of eviction from their ancestral homelands which lay in the "wildlife corridor" between Tanzania and the Serengeti.   Despite a solemn promise issued by the local government over a year ago, stating that the Masai people may retain their long-held territories, plans for a massive hunting reserve are still moving forward.  According to civic planners, the reserve would cater to the most prestigious of customers, such as the Dubai royal family, Emirs from the U.A.E., and other elites from around the globe.  Supporters of the Masai claim the local government is using heavy handed intimidation tactics to force the native people out, often making false claims of settlement, and then withdrawing their commitments without explanation or warning.  Americans have been reluctant to respond to the growing humanitarian crisis, citing the strong arm tactics and total disregard for the rights of indigent people as a sure sign that American ideals are finally taking hold in the developing region.

A crazy man from the Hesse province of Germany has reportedly blown himself up after an intense family feud that left friends and neighbors clamoring to help the troubled clan regain control of their calamitous lives.  According to eye witness reports, the deceased, who, due to Germany's strict privacy laws will not be named, was seen storming out of his home following a heated argument with immediate family, then climbing inside of his SUV and sped away.  Police say there was no indication whatsoever that the man would take such grim action, even though he was licensed to possess explosive chemicals, displayed moods often described as volatile, maintained combustible relationships with those around him, and had yelled to his kin just before detonation, quote, "I'm so angry, I could just explode."

Experts with the Dicking Institute of Human Behavior are not pleased with the recent cover photo produced by Paper magazine, in which a semi nude Kim Kardashian is featured engaging in provocative poses, with the caption reading "Kim Kardashian - Break the Internet.  Derrick Clifton, a writer with the internet publication Identities Mic, suggested that the tawdry depiction may, in fact, be yet another inappropriate emulation of mythologized black anatomy, stating, quote "It presents a big problem, a big, round, well proportioned problem.  One that we all must give our utmost attention to, and spend obscene amounts of time focusing on, whether at home, at work, or in the shower....excuse me."

Earlier this week, Veterans Affairs Chief Bob McDonald announced he will be creating a new departmental office within his very troubled agency.  The recently appointed Customer Service Chief will be charged with the execution and upkeep of a sweeping campaign to overhaul the agency's system of dealing with it's many neglected healthcare recipients.  After being briefed on the dysfunctional state of the VA, the incoming customer service specialist replied simply, "Well, I did not know that."