Many internet news readers were stunned last week as reports on the death of Kirk Douglas began filtering across cyberspace. Fortunately for the Douglas clan, Kirk is alive and well, in fact, the legendary actor has recently published a book of poems called "Life Could Be Verse." The false news of his death apparently began circulating after People Magazine erroneously published a prefabricated obit. According to People insiders, the editorial staff was sharply divided on whether to run the piece, one stating "We just couldn't tell, I mean, look at him. He looks pretty dead to me."
During an extensive audit of the Iraq National Army, lawmakers found that their already dwindling forces were speckled with nearly 50,000 "ghost soldiers." Many claim these hollowed-out sections of the military have weakened the country's defenses as well as drained much needed cash and resources. In an effort to prevent future dereliction, newly installed Prime Minister Haider Al-Abadi, has effectively sacked several prominent defense officials believed to have perpetrated the widespread misappropriation. Meanwhile, the 50,000 ghost soldiers in question have sacked Gondor and are currently marching on Terres Lea.
Sarah Palin has dredged up a bit media coverage this week after posting what was intended to be a sardonic meme on her personal Facebook page. The photo depicts the President in mid-speech with a caption that reads, "I will be signing a new executive order replacing the word 'looting' with 'undocumented shopping'." The New York Times praised the former VP hopeful for managing to combine issues like Ferguson, the Executive and Immigration into one cleverly worded political zinger. Others were just plain shocked at the former Governor's ability to meld poor Photoshop skills, misinformation and a total lack of humor into such a simple, yet profound, show of stupidity.
Approximately 7.85 million rifles produced by Remington Rifle Company, the oldest gun manufacturer in the country, are set become a part of a nationwide "recall" of faulty triggers that for years caused random misfirings, many of them deadly. A 2010 CNBC documentary entitled "Remington Under Fire," showed that Remington had engaged in fraudulent concealment practices in order to avoid paying a 5.5 cent cost to fix the crucial design flaw. Fortunately, millions of gun owners will receive properly functioning mechanisms that will ensure safety and security to everyone. According to industry insiders, the new triggers will impose a 3 day waiting period before blowing a whole in anything.
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