For the second time in less than a month, Sony Pictures has been the target of a highly effective hacking campaign perpetrated by a mysterious collective known only as "The Guardians of Peace." The group has transmitted rather ominous emails to throngs of Sony employees, threatening them and their families. While intelligence officials have yet to unveil their own take on who might be conducting these operations, it has been widely speculated that the North Korean Government is directly responsible. Warnings from the tiny reclusive nation were sternly issued to Sony Entertainment prior to it's release of The Interview, a film about a pair of goofy American media moguls who are given the rare opportunity to meet face to face with North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un, and are therefore asked to assassinate him for the good of humanity. Kim was reportedly furious upon learning of the film's plot and quickly vowed retaliatory action should it be released. The response was apparently limited to a cyber attack since the impoverished nation's long-range targeting capabilities run a bit on the lean side.
New York Republican and Homeland Security Committee Chairman Peter King has effectively stoked bitter outrage after hypothesizing that if Eric Garner, the 43-year-old father of six who was choked to death by New York City police officer, had not been so incredibly obese, then he might have actually survived the brutal encounter on the streets of New York's Staten Island. After being hit by considerable backlash over his blatant insensitive comments, the beef-headed Chairman attempted to smooth things over by explaining that he would not have made such a crass remark had he not been a total fucking idiot.
A new report released by the Justice Department has exposed an unusually high level of gross misconduct occurring throughout the entire Cleveland police department. Investigators were said to be utterly shocked by the obvious pattern of violence, corruption and perjury going on unchecked and unaccounted for. According to individuals close to the investigation, agents found the most disturbing aspect to be the unbelievably high rate of incompetence displayed by local officers. Some blamed trainers for the environment of general impropriety.
The small progressive country of Uruguay is currently preparing to receive some fairly unconventional guests. After years of petitioning foreign governments to accept high profile prisoners from the infamous American detention facility at Guantanamo Bay Cuba, it seems the Obama administration has finally found itself a willing participant. Apparently, they had submitted their requests in alphabetical order.
Attendees of a mid-western "Furry" convention were hastily evacuated after several attendees began complaining of dizziness and nausea associated with a strong gas presence emanating throughout the ninth floor a prestigious Hyatt hotel in downtown Rosemont, a suburb of Chicago. Upon closer inspection, several hazardous waste technicians discovered powdered chlorine spread throughout a stairwell located in close proximity to where the event was taking place. 19 people were hospitalized but are expected to make a full recovery. Police were called to the scene when panic stricken Furries caused a flamboyant stampede down West Bryn Mawr Avenue.
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