U.S. Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel surprised the nation this week after officially announcing his resignation. The move comes after months of interior wrangling over how to best address the growing threat posed by the Islamic State and similar networks throughout the Middle East. When pressed for a more detailed explanation for his departure, Hagel simply uttered, "The first rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club."
The House Intelligence Committee has recently released it's findings on the 2012 U.S. compound attack in Benghazi. The report comes at the end of a two year investigative process that left many right-leaning congressmen holding on to more questions than answers. Republican heavyweight Lindsey Graham of South Carolina called the findings "total garbage", citing major inconsistencies and a relative lack of conclusions. House Committee chairman and fellow GOP member Mike Rogers countered the claim by stating that the report was not garbage, but is, after all, 100% recyclable.
The 42-year-old stripper girlfriend of world renowned Olympian Michael Phelps shocked the world this week after announcing that she was, in fact, born "intersex." In a rambling online post, Taylor Lianne Chandler claims that she and Phelps became acquainted through the popular hookup site Tinder, and shortly thereafter fell in love. Chandler also divulged her true name, David Roy Fitch, and went on to explain how fear of negative exposure to Phelps career drove her to remain hidden from the public eye. Though, some who are close to the 18 time Olympian have been trying to impose the truth for quite some time.
A young woman who purchased a firearm in preparation for possible civil unrest following the grand jury decision over whether to indict police officer Darren Wilson, has died by her own hands. According to investigators, 26-year-old Becca Campbell purchased a small handgun from a firearms retailer in downtown St. Louis late Friday night. She then proceeded to flash her newly acquired pistol, while gleefully proclaiming "I'm ready for Ferguson!" The sight of the gun immediately prompted her boyfriend, who was driving at the time, to duck his head, leading to a traffic collision, which then caused Ms. Campbell to instantaneously discharge her firearm, resulting in a fatal shot to the head. The incident is to be depicted in a new Rube Goldberg device entitled "The Mechanics of Utter Stupidity."
21-year-old Alyssa Ferraro has been charged with aggravated assault following a late night spat with her now former boyfriend. According to Sergeant James Bradley of the Hooksett County Police Department, the couple had got into a heated argument over the Parker Bros. board game Monopoly, during which Ferraro slapped her partner across the face. She was then taken into police custody and reportedly went directly to jail, did not pass go and did not collect $200.
Consumer concerns have prompted Apple Inc., to produce a new line of smart phones and tablets which they claim are "cop proof." Following the shocking revelations of the NSA's mass domestic spying programs, coupled with the recent increase in surveillance capability acquired by local law enforcement, many in the market for personal devices are finding the promise of unfettered security for their private information increasingly attractive. Apple says it's new encryption method is bound to keep their customer's data safe from the prying eyes of an out of control police state, although some remain skeptical. In an even more daring response to contemporary societal woes, the progressive tech giant has produced the all new iPad Black, which will be marketed exclusively to the non-white community. The device features a kevlar casing which can by used to shield it's dark skinned owners from police bullets and, in utilizing it's ultra-intuitive programming, will immediately contact paramedics the moment an encounter with law enforcement begins.
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