Today in Headlines - Wednesday November 5, 2014

McDonalds Corporation is in hot water this week after a lower appeals court ruled that Plaintiff Boris Khanimov could proceed with his lawsuit against the fast food giant for what he claims was gross negligence.  The complaint, filed by Mr. Khanimov, states that the hot tea he received from a downtown Brooklyn franchise had, quote "burned him because it was served at an unreasonably or excessively hot temperature."  The Plaintiff was seriously injured when a cup which was filled to the brim with scolding hot water had accidentally splashed onto his chest, resulting in 3rd degree burns that are expected to require years of expensive physical therapy.  Upon being released from the hospital, Mr. Khanimov promptly retained the services of fictional Seinfeld lawyer Jackie Chiles, who immediately instructed his client to avoid any balms, topical ointments, and/or dermatological creams. 

  

As Brisbane detectives poured through the contents of a smartphone belonging to 20-year-old Jenna Louise Driscoll, who initially stood accused of drug trafficking, they quickly discovered what appeared to be crude pornographic videos depicting Ms. Driscoll engaging in sexual congress with a rather large and clearly excitable bloodhound.  According to the Queensland penal code, a charge of bestiality carries a term of at least 2 years in prison and a fine of up to $500,000.  Ms. Driscoll defends herself by claiming that she was lured into the depraved practice, known in fetish circles as "knotting," by a scraggly haired pimp known casually as "Shaggy."  Apparently, Shaggy had duplicitously contrived to get young Jenna hooked on Scooby Snackes, and subsequently pressured her to, quote: "Like, let the homey hit it."

Party conservatives in Anchorage, Alaska cheered wildly for their victorious candidate, Republican Dan Sullivan, who has successfully ousted Democrat incumbent Mark Begich from his prized Senate seat. The victory gala was described by one attendant as a bloodthirsty frenzy of intolerant white people run horribly amok.

Two top level officers at the Warren Nuclear Air Force Base outside Laramie, Wyoming, have been effectively relieved of duty following numerous reports of gross misconduct and a total lack of company leadership.  The pair have received substantial demotions and will carry out the remainder of their service in low level positions with no hope for career advancement.  The news comes almost one year after the firing of Maj. Michael Carey, who was accused of binge drinking and overseeing critical lapses in essential security.  Unbelievably, the recently reprimanded pair had done something far more egregious.  Having both been caught illegally accessing the missile control systems which they had planned to use for their own juvenile amusement.  

Alayne Fleischmann, the whistle-blower who courageously exposed the ongoing criminality perpetrated by JP Morgan Chase in the days preceding the 2008 economic collapse, is finally telling her story.  As a young and perhaps inexperienced securities lawyer, Alayne found it increasingly difficult to witness the broad-reaching larceny being worked upon customers, often comparing it to "watching an old lady getting mugged on the street."  Eventually, the honest and determined young Fleischmann would gather secretly recorded evidence and present her case to a court of law.  Chase reportedly paid out a substantial settlement in order to keep Alayne's testimony out of the mainstream media, earning her the aptly placed nickname, "the $9 Billion witness."  A hefty sum compared to the meager $37.50 dispersed to a local base-head by the name of Hoey Bagoey, who adamantly claims that Bank of America is a cover for the 6th Reich and that nano transmitters have been covertly laced into the nation's toothpaste supply. 

Proponents of a basic universal income are now claiming that by instituting such benefits quickly, the U.S. Government would no doubt save our country's workforce from the impending job-market takeover brought on by the fruition of robot technology.  It is widely believed that many bottom rung service jobs will soon be fulfilled by sophisticated mechanical underlings.  A revolutionary idea that is causing many working class Americans to become increasingly concerned about the already sickly status of our national employment outlook.  Reserving these positions for humans might be a tough sell considering the superior capabilities of a viable android workforce, which would be completely free of tiredness, boredom or hunger. 

An assertion to which Hedonism Bot responded, "Who said what now?"

According to recent studies, many rice based cereals are showing unusually high levels of a potentially deadly compound known as arsenic.  In fact, earlier this week EU Health Authorities declared that a up to 58% of American breakfast cereal brands had tested well above the legal limit for arsenic content.  The finding could prove harmful not only to children world wide, but also the dry cereal industry at large.  One individual who was quite elated by the news was, of course, that pinch-faced, bitch of a Grandmother from the chilling 1987 movie classic, Flowers In the Attic.