A political slugfest has broken out over a recent push for net neutrality on Capitol Hill. Almost immediately following the President's grand endorsement calling for tough new measures from the FCC to preserve the status quo, the Republican opposition, namely Senator of Texas and known eraser head, Ted Cruz, came out ferociously swinging, calling the plan "Obamacare for the Internet." In response to this, former SNL comedian turned Senate heavyweight Al Franken of Minnesota claims that Cruz does not at all grasp the concept of net neutrality and describes his comparison to Obamacare as clearly off-base. In his usual conciliatory tone, the statesman went on to say, "this has not been Ted's best policy stance, and that's...okay."
Recent events in the Middle East have sparked a callous brand of jokes to creep up in the collective consciousness of the regional peoples. Just today, youngsters in Tel Aviv were heard bantering about with what seems to qualify as a real knee slapper:
What do you get when a Rabbi, a Police Officer and an American walk into a synogogue in downtown Jerusalem?
Apparently, stabbed in the neck.
Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg was recently pressed to answer questions regarding his bizarre choice in wardrobe, essentially donning the same grey shirt everyday for the past several years. Some have wondered if this was a trend started by Zuckerberg, or if he simply caught on to a good idea and made it his own. The Facebook founder repeatedly insisted the idea was his and his alone, that he did not steal it from anyone, and that any charges to the contrary can by dealt with quietly through an out of court settlement.
Researchers with the Lancet Medical Journal have recently put forth a groundbreaking new theory about music and it's effect on the human psyche. Studies found that listening to certain types of hip hop music can actually have a positive effect on mood and outlook. For example, songs like "Juicy" from Notorious B.I.G., and Grandmaster Flash's "The Message," were said to invoke feelings of empowerment and self-healing. While songs like "My Humps" by Fergie, or "Blurred Lines" by Robin Thicke, may give one the feeling of being a total fucking idiot.
College Freshman Nolan Michael Burch was found unresponsive and without a pulse in a bustling Frat House in Morgantown, West Virginia. Just hours before his fatal accident, Burch would post a tweet stating, "It's about to be a very eventful night to say the least." Unfortunately, investigators are still attempting to piece together those so-called "events" in order to explain how Nolan would wind up in the battered condition that would ultimately lead to his demise just two days later. Police say they have few leads, but have named a single person of interest in connection with the incident, one Frederick O'Bannion, a 19-year-old undergraduate who reportedly has a serious penchant for hazing supple young freshmen.
International criticism is overwhelmingly mounting against a controversial new plan being staged by the regional government of Myanmar, that some are describing as an obvious program for ethnic cleansing. Approximately 100,000 Rohingya people have been placed into squalid "transition" camps as part of an effort to force out the minority population, to where nobody seems to know. Human rights groups have expressed deep concerns over the end result of this aggressive new initiative, a "final solution" if you will, that proceeds nearly two decades of unhindered persecution during which there was widespread seizures of wealth and land, leaving the community utterly decimated. The initiative comes at an inconvenient time for the U.S., an in particular President Obama, who has recently touted the republic as a foreign policy success story, calling it "a beacon of freedom and democracy." When asked about the ongoing brutality toward the Rohingya people, White House spokesmen dismissed concerns, asking, "When has segregating an extremely downtrodden and unpopular group of people by sticking them in camps ever gone horribly, horribly wrong?"
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