A well known eatery in downtown Pittsburgh has recently come under attack over it's daring promotion of tolerance toward countries often considered to be official "enemies of the state," including Iran, North Korea, and Venezuela. Manager Jon Rubin stated that the restaurant staff became increasingly fearful of opening the doors each day for business after receiving numerous death threats from disgruntled ideologues who clearly choose terror and intolerance over peace and understanding. The NYPD is actively investigating the matter but, as of yet, have not named a prime suspect. Inside sources say that detectives may have a person of interest:
With the fifth season of American Horror Story well under way, many fans are eagerly anticipating the inevitable conclusion of the latest tale of depravity and woe. One enthusiast, known online as Red Herry, has gone so far as to post a well thought out synopsis detailing what he believes will be the concluding series of events to wrap up the remaining episodes. The shows creator Ryan Murphy has thoroughly dismissed such interpretations and clearly states that none of the amateur theories he has reviewed thus far have had any basis in truth. All the same, loyal fans have taken the liberty of constructing elaborate explanations for many of the program's mysterious quirks, with some suggesting that a definable pattern within the plot reveals striking connections between the seemingly unrelatable characters that grace the successive seasons. After an exhaustive analysis, this office has found that such consistent traits do exist, they include: (a) being highly overrated, and (b) wrapping up each season with an annoyingly anti-climactic stumble that leaves many wondering how long before The Walking Dead comes back on.
Former actress turned Hollywood squatter Amanda Bynes has reportedly hit rock bottom. According to baseless innuendo, the once lauded pop icon is now completely penniless, often resorting to bumming rides and "crashing" with friends to survive. In fact, one source has indicated that Bynes was spotted casually napping in a local shopping mall. Hot Dog on a Stick employee Holly Niles was startled by the discovery of an unconscious and possible drug-addled Bynes, who was found snugly wrapped in a golden sheath of fried corn batter. Clearly, she was mistaken for just another piece of meat.
Visitors of a popular nude beach in the Canary Islands got an unwelcome surprise when they spotted a boat full of feverish African immigrants climbing out of their waterlogged vessel and onto a sunny, sparkling shore almost exclusively populated by vacationing Brits. Beachgoers became utterly panic-stricken upon realizing the sickly state of many on-board, with concerns still running high after a recent worldwide Ebola scare. Strangely, the incident harkens back to an earlier time in history when the original dark skinned inhabitants of the island paradise watched as disease ridden Europeans climb out of their ramshackle boats covered in small pox and syphilis.
Walt Disney Studios has announced the official title and release date of the much anticipated 7th installment in the groundbreaking science fiction film franchise known internationally as Star Wars. Diehard fans were generally elated last Wednesday, after learning that the newest chapter will be dubbed "The Force Awakens," and is expected to be released to theaters nationwide as early as December, 2015. Despite all the hype, some are less excited than others, with many fearing that the next round of films will be just as disappointing as that certain 1999 release entitled Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace. If previous attempts at a Star Wars revival are any indication of what to expect in 2015, by the time the Force Awakens, the audience may be sound asleep.
Viewers were shocked Thursday morning as C-SPAN anchor Steve Scully scrambled to grab the reigns of his early A.M. panel show, The Washington Journal. An outspoken conservative caller had initially been using his airtime to call out fellow Republicans, warning them to proceed moderately after a successful election season. But, things quickly turned ugly when the caller suggested that the political right would not be able to resist a sweeping approach in the legislature since they, quote "hate that n----- Obama." The inappropriate language quickly prompted the show's producers to cut the caller off, and Scully issued a formal apology. It was later discovered that the mysterious foul-mouthed contributor was, in fact, Woodcrest resident and self-hating black man, Uncle Ruckus.
Ultra-conservative talk show host Glenn Beck has stunned loyal viewers this week with the surprise revelation that he suffers from a rare neurological disorder (one that doctors can't seem to fully understand) and says that for an extensive period of time he has suffered in silence, not knowing what was wrong with him or how to address it. Beck cited his moderately popular XM radio show as a meaningful pillar of support which has kept him going through this dark hour. At this point, it's unclear how much of Beck's programming has been effected by his major malfunction, preliminary diagnosis has ranged from nuttier than a fruitcake to just a few sandwiches short of a picnic. Apparently, sponsors are beginning to worry that if Glenn seeks treatment, he may not be able to deliver the usual bat shit crazy material his fans have come to expect over the years.
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