An 18 wheel tractor-trailer hauling approximately 10,000 cans of Bud Light toppled over onto Route 48 in Northwestern Idaho last weekend, spilling it's entire cargo and seriously injuring at least two drivers. The incident, which held up evening traffic for several hours, was said to have been caused when the truck driver became distracted by his canine companion, an unruly mut that some witnesses described as, quote, "the original party animal."
Barney from the Simpsons has reportedly been contracted to clean up the spill. More on this as it develops.
The indomitable forces of the paper lobby have descended upon Washington this week after Security and Exchange Commission members proposed an amendment that would require mutual funds to send their shareholder statements digitally. A fiery uprising is currently underway to prevent the sudden loss in business which is sure to have a substantial effect on revenues. The northeast paper lobby is believed to have sent forth its best and brightest, Regional Manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton, Mr. Dwight K. Schrute.
Leading Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump has continued his campaign of political shock and awe this week after dropping caustic comments on Rosie O'Donnell, Megyn Kelly and even retired supermodel Heidi Klum. To further his Biff Tannon style appealability with voters, Trump has announced that he will be replacing his former staff writer with fictional hand-puppet television character, Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, who has also been promised a cabinet seat in a potential Trump administration. The current nominees include:
Police are investigating an incident involving an unknown assailant who threw down large chunks of concrete from the ledge of a high-rise corporate office building in downtown Minneapolis. Witnesses say the debris began falling from the JCPenny shopping center, nearly striking several pedestrians below. Detectives are already questioning Gary Busey.
What's being described as a massive communal spiderweb has been discovered in a Dallas area suburb. The impressive arachnid conglomeration was discovered when public safety crews arrived at 95 Wasserman Drive in Rowlette to trim a series of overgrown branches. Workmen discovered that several trees had been completely covered with webbing, in some places reaching upwards of 40 feet into the air and housing literally thousands of spiders. The strange phenomenon has understandably shaken local residents who fear that the "commie" spiders may spread, eventually overtaking other free-enterprising spiders who do not wish to join their strictly communal cadre. The issue has led to a heated local debate over how to handle the infiltration, eventually prompting the ever watchful corpse of U. S. President Ronald Reagan to make a decisive call for action:
"Mr. Spider, tear down this web!"
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