Today in Headlines - Monday, August 24, 2015

North Portland residents are stunned after a random stabbing almost took the life of one Robert Alexander outside a popular restaurant in Maltnomah.  Eye witness reports say that Alexander had accused a fellow restaurant patron of stealing the potato chips from his daughter's plate.  The accused individual, 56-year-old Clarence Dorn Jr., quickly became enraged, drawing a small blade from his back pocket with which he repeatedly stabbed Alexander, who luckily sustained only minor injuries.  News of the attack has spurred a cutting edge promotional campaign by Tostitos featuring prominent knife wielding madman Jason Bateman.

"The Taste is Totally Killer."

Tensions between North and South Korea rose sharply this week after North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un ordered his troops to fire upon a series of loudspeakers installed along the southern side of the border. South Koreans had initially constructed the speakers to broadcast anti-communist propaganda in an effort to attract possible defectors. 

Jong apparently lost his cool when South Koren broadcasters altered their programming taste from straightforward welcome messages to crude "yo mama" jokes aimed squarely at the dictator's own mother.  Some of which are listed below:

"Kim's momma so fat her butt can be used as missile defense shield."  

Or...

"Kim's momma so fat, when Kim executes someone by shooting them into a mountain, they use her as the mountain."  

Also...

"Kim's momma so greasy, she uses bacon as a band-aid."

And of course... 

"Kim's momma so stupid she went to the dentist to get her Bluetooth fixed.  
Oh, wait, they don't have Bluetooth in North Korea...cause they suuuuuck."

Lastly,

"Kim's momma so fat, her blood type is Nutella."

As a result of a breakthrough nuclear accord with the Islamic Republic of Iran, British officials have, for the first time in decades, witnessed the raising of their beloved Union Jack at the newly re-opened British Embassy in Tehran.  When asked whether similar relations might be re-instituted with the U.S., Minister or Defense Mohammad Javad Zarif clearly hesitated and made it quite clear that it was far too soon to consider restoring close diplomatic relations with the, quote, "illogical" Americans -a policy stance promoted in large part by the Iranian Minister for Intelligence, Mohammad Al Spock.

Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush is defending comments he made condemning birthright citizenship and the exploitation of "anchor babies" as a means of gaining resident status.  Opponents took aim at Bush for his usage of the term, calling it insensitive and demeaning.  Bush responded pointedly, advising his critics to, quote, "chill out."  Experts attribute the sudden change in attitude to his newly appointed "youth vote" brain trust, Bill & Ted's Excellent Political Advisory Board."