Today, before millions of Muppet fans the world over, legendary performer Kermit the Frog announced that he and his longtime love, Miss Piggy, would officially split. After nearly 40 tumultuous years in the spotlight together, the two ended their relationship amicably, citing "irreconcilable differences." Many fans expressed shock over the news, while others found themselves somewhat titillated by the prospect of another major Muppet love affair beginning. Kermit, in keeping with his apparent preference for that which is plump and pink, has already started dating Comedy Central's Amy Schumer.
Almost immediately after his release from an Israeli State prison, Yishai Schlissel has been arrested yet again for slashing demonstrators at a gay pride event in downtown Jerusalem. Yishai had recently completed a 10-year mandatory sentence for a similar attack back in 2005, during which he seriously wounded three people. The punishment is expected to be substantially harsher this time around, considering that one of his recent victims, 16-year-old Shira Banki, has died from her injuries. In addition to charges of aggravated assault and murder, Mr. Schlissel will also be charged with improper use of "crazy eyes."
In the Middle East this week, Al-Nursa terrorists have reportedly kidnapped a group of U.S.-trained rebels while on patrol along the Turkish border. The precision and relative ease with which the seizure was carried out has raised fears that without viable opposition, additional territories may fall to the growing influence of the Islamic State. International military advisers took the kidnapping event as an opening to pose criticisms of the U.S. war effort, proclaiming cheekily, "maybe they should stop training kids."
Qatar-based Taliban political leader, Tayeb Agha, has officially resigned from his post. Tayeb says that after years of dutiful service, he came to realize that the Taliban lacked the essentials of what he was looking for in a fundamentalist political movement. He also expressed grievances over what he felt were serious deficiencies in the organization -particularly, it's dental plan. Apparently, Taliban dentists, lacking proper training and equipment, would often blow up teeth as opposed to extracting them.
Today in Mansfield, hard drugs were stealthily couriered via drone into the recreation yard of an Ohio State prison, establishing an entirely new dimension of smuggling to which correctional authorities are scrambling to adapt. Prison officials state that a package containing several ounces of tobacco, marijuana, and a small amount of heroin was dropped during outdoors time, causing a stir to which guards were quickly alerted. The scheme eventually unraveled when prisoners refused to share the payload and guards moved in to break them up. Guards reportedly encouraged them to take turns, but the prisoners refused and the facility was quickly placed on lock-down. The drone and it's cargo are currently stowed on the top shelf of the Warden's closet, and will apparently remain there until the prisoners learn to share their toys and narcotics.
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