In Stratford, Connecticut this week, an 81-year-old man committed a vile sex act with a defenseless shrubbery. Police were called after both the man and spectators were eventually driven away by the furious keepers of the bush, the self-described "Knights Who Say 'Ni'."
UPDATE: The owners of the previously reported on shrubbery have reportedly issued a public statement proclaiming that they are no longer the Knights Who Say "Ni" but, rather, are now to be referred to as the Knights Who Say "Icky Icky Icky Icky Kapang Zoop Boing!"
Marco Rubio caught some flak this week after posting comments via Twitter regarding the current outrage surrounding the killing of Cecil the Lion by an American Dentist while on an illegal poaching expedition in Zimbabwea. Rubio openly queried as to why so much fuss should be made over the killing of one animal, when so many unborn fetuses are killed in America on such a regular basis. Whatever the merits of his statement, Rubio's trivializing of Cecil's untimely demise was not well received, with many still calling for the extradition of the Minnesota area Dentist who shot Cecil. Subsequently, Rubio has come under fire for shooting his own foot, and Greenpeace has reportedly threatened to tie his shoelaces together.
A sleazy Kuwaiti Airlines pilot is in hot water this week after his alleged cockpit philandering with former pornstar/X-Factor contestant, Cloe Khan. Upon recognizing Khan, who's industry name is Cloe "Mafia", the 54-year-old married pilot quickly invited her up front for champagne and cigarettes, boasting, quote, "the plane flies itself."
Recently, a team of oceanographers and marine biologists sent an undersea probe into the depths of the Kavachi volcano, located just ten miles east of the Solomon Islands. Researchers say they were utterly stunned as images began to show large groups of what some are calling "mutant" sharks, swimming freely about the open volcanic trench. The discovery has already attracted the interest of several parties, including private research magnate Dr. Evil, who's first question was, "and where are the freakin' lasers?"
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