During a recent diplomatic mission to Beijing, Army Chief of Staff Gen. Raymond Odierno issued staunch criticism of Donald Trump's recent suggestion to "bomb the hell out of the Middle East" as a means of resolving conflict there. The four star commander roundly rejected the proposal, stating simply, "that is not where we are today." Odierno also took a moment to announce his formal retirement from the armed forces, effective in September. Apparently, the general will be spending the remainder of his years fulfilling his true calling, to work as a Steve Wilkos look-a-like for special events and private parties.
Ariel Winter, the young and buxom starlet of ABC's Modern Family, is apparently turning in her substantial cha-cha's" for a pair of diminutive "chi-chi's." Citing years of relentless harassment and misogyny, Winter has decided to undergo a drastic reduction of her breast tissue, sadly bringing her all the way down to a measly B cup. It was said that at the very moment the surgical procedure was set to begin, a long deceased Ted Kennedy suddenly rose from his resting place, crying out:
"Noooooooooooo!"
A group of evangelical Christians in Brazil have launched their own "sin-free" Facebook alternative that bans all forms of obscenity and/or smut. American evangelicals have been generally wary of joining the site, unsure of whether the content will lack the persistent xenophobia and general intolerance they've come to expect from their social networking experience.
A small Maryland community is mourning the loss of 51-year-old Leonard Robinson who friends say devoted a substantial amount of his personal time to appearing as the famed caped crusader Batman at various local children's hospitals. Robinson was killed last week when a truck traveling southbound on Interstate 70 struck his batmobile-style Lamborghini as it was parked on the right shoulder. Eye witnesses say the batmobile had lost a wheel, and all other reports indicate that the Joker did, in fact, get away.
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