Documentarian and investigative journalist Laura Poitras has just released a compelling new film covering the unruly and intrusive domestic surveillance programs currently being conducted by the ultra-secretive National Security Agency. The project is entitled Citizenfour, a moniker that once served as a screen name for the now world renowned data-leaker known as Edward Snowden. Poitras, in conjunction with many of those at The Guardian and The Washington Post, was able to present a dynamic firsthand account of the groundbreaking events leading up to and immediately following what was perhaps the most monumental security breach in American history. When asked about her relationship with the exiled programmer, Poitras replied, "I appreciate the degree of risk he's undertaken, and have come to help in any way that I can."
Since Russian authorities have imposed an indefinite travel ban on Snowden, who was rumored to be seeking political asylum in Ecuador at the time, Ms. Poitras happily agreed to assist in the careful smuggling out of her controversial little "meal ticket" by any means necessary, and, from the looks of things, he's simply gone to pieces.
Through a painstaking 6 hour surgical procedure, Mr. Snowden's left arm was successfully attached to Ms. Poitras' torso, allowing her to transport the limb immediately to an undisclosed location.
Other assorted body parts, such as feet, cheeks, thighs and ears, are expected to quickly follow. If all goes according to plan, assisting doctors should be able to reassemble the celebrity spy and allow him the opportunity to live freely within one of several fully corrupted Latin American counties. According to recent reports, Snowden's testicles have already been sewn onto Glen Greenwald's chin.
In a somewhat related story, fellow data-leaker Julian Assange is planning to release something a little different onto the great wide world this week, and it's not another bombshell revelation of governmental wrongdoing or corporate malfeasance. No, this season, Assange is dropping some fresh new fashion on the people, hoping to make some much needed money and perhaps reinvigorate the ever-diminshing relevancy of the once teeming collaborative.
According to the Times of India, an official Wikileaks clothing line is expected to hit retail stores sometime this fall. Preparation for the project has been especially difficult, given the fact that Wikileaks found and designer Julian Assange is currently holed up inside the Ecuadorian Embassy in London, effectively avoiding prosecution for at least two years. When asked how he plans to actually produce the ambitious line of clothing/merchandise, Assange explained that his Latin American hosts appeared to have things well in hand.
A formidable legal battle is quickly brewing along the upper Northeastern seaboard, all stemming from the mounting criticism over what many say are "extreme" health safety standards currently put in place by state authorities in New York and New Jersey. The new imposition comes in the wake of a recent diagnosis of one Craig Spencer, a doctor who became infected with Ebola after treating many patients in Nigeria. Late Monday night, Spencer suddenly became extremely fatigued and decided to seek medical attention after practically collapsing on a New York City subway. Luckily for him, New York offers those confirmed as infected the choice of where to spend their isolation period, either at home or in the hospital.
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New Jersey on the other hand, under the Jabba-like authority of Governor Chris Christie, has taken alternative measures that some, like the New England Journal of Medicine, consider to be "not scientifically based, unfair and unwise," -coincidentally all the hallmarks of Republican domestic policy. Consequently, those under quarantine in the backward Garden State will be given the option of either remaining under observation at the hospital, or, in true Christie style, remain locked in a compact car without any air conditioning, while idling in bumper to bumper traffic.
A high court in Dubai has unanimously ruled in favor of a disgruntled husband who refused to pay his former wife any alimony on the grounds that she failed to inform him of one crucial detail that would ultimately prove fatal to their brief and extremely unpleasant marriage. Apparently, wifey had continuously refused to have intimate relations with her new husband, and had eventually instructed him to visit her parents, who she said would offer some sort of explanation as to her overly frigid sexual nature. According mom and pop their seemingly useless daughter was, in fact, a fucking genie. Mr. Kirpan insists he owes nothing to the asexual lamp dweller, claiming his ex-wife's willful deception has made a mockery of his life and cost him precious time and resources.
Fictional 1950's television character Darrin Stephens was quick to comment, stating:
"I know just what you mean."
Critics are sounding off in response to a recent shoot out involving Stockton area police and a small group of bank robbers with several hostages in tow. The men had just conducted a daring heist at a local Bank of the West, when police readily engaged them in a long and especially dangerous pursuit, during which two pedestrians were struck and many others were forced off the streets out of sheer terror.
A total of 33 officers would eventually corner the suspects, who had been sporadically firing on police with a busta ass AK-47, getting off about 100 rounds in 2 hours. Upon returning fire, responding officers discharged approximately 600 rounds of ammunition, many of them blasting away aimlessly with no regard for bystanders or firefight protocol. The ferocious onslaught of firepower was largely attributed to the latest military acquisition made by the Stockton PD, that being the black guy from Predator ("Dude, that's messed up, there were other black people in Predator...Oh yeah, like who?...Well, Billy Dee Williams for starters...Dude, Billy Dee Williams doesn't count. He's only "kind of" black, this guy is like full on Wesley Snipes black...whatever, man"). Unfortunately, in addition to a pair of money grubbing thieves, one hostage, a 41-year-old Misty Holt-Singh, was also riddled with bullets and quickly died at the scene. ("Dude, that wasn't fucking Billy Dee Williams, it was Carl Weathers, I googled it")
In Midvale, Utah this week a Super 8 Motel franchise was reportedly held up at gunpoint by a thuggish young woman crudely disguised as a character from the ever-popular cartoon series, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Forgoing the traditional nunchucks and bo staff, this assailant simply shoved a Glock into the face of a late night manager, demanding all the "greenbacks" he had in the register. Upon fleeing the establishment, witnesses heard the perpetrator shouting "cowabunga" before diving into a storm drain filled with toxic decaying matter and noxious chemical fumes.
Since Russian authorities have imposed an indefinite travel ban on Snowden, who was rumored to be seeking political asylum in Ecuador at the time, Ms. Poitras happily agreed to assist in the careful smuggling out of her controversial little "meal ticket" by any means necessary, and, from the looks of things, he's simply gone to pieces. Through a painstaking 6 hour surgical procedure, Mr. Snowden's left arm was successfully attached to Ms. Poitras' torso, allowing her to transport the limb immediately to an undisclosed location.
Other assorted body parts, such as feet, cheeks, thighs and ears, are expected to quickly follow. If all goes according to plan, assisting doctors should be able to reassemble the celebrity spy and allow him the opportunity to live freely within one of several fully corrupted Latin American counties. According to recent reports, Snowden's testicles have already been sewn onto Glen Greenwald's chin.
According to the Times of India, an official Wikileaks clothing line is expected to hit retail stores sometime this fall. Preparation for the project has been especially difficult, given the fact that Wikileaks found and designer Julian Assange is currently holed up inside the Ecuadorian Embassy in London, effectively avoiding prosecution for at least two years. When asked how he plans to actually produce the ambitious line of clothing/merchandise, Assange explained that his Latin American hosts appeared to have things well in hand.
New Jersey on the other hand, under the Jabba-like authority of Governor Chris Christie, has taken alternative measures that some, like the New England Journal of Medicine, consider to be "not scientifically based, unfair and unwise," -coincidentally all the hallmarks of Republican domestic policy. Consequently, those under quarantine in the backward Garden State will be given the option of either remaining under observation at the hospital, or, in true Christie style, remain locked in a compact car without any air conditioning, while idling in bumper to bumper traffic. A high court in Dubai has unanimously ruled in favor of a disgruntled husband who refused to pay his former wife any alimony on the grounds that she failed to inform him of one crucial detail that would ultimately prove fatal to their brief and extremely unpleasant marriage. Apparently, wifey had continuously refused to have intimate relations with her new husband, and had eventually instructed him to visit her parents, who she said would offer some sort of explanation as to her overly frigid sexual nature. According mom and pop their seemingly useless daughter was, in fact, a fucking genie. Mr. Kirpan insists he owes nothing to the asexual lamp dweller, claiming his ex-wife's willful deception has made a mockery of his life and cost him precious time and resources.
"I know just what you mean."
Critics are sounding off in response to a recent shoot out involving Stockton area police and a small group of bank robbers with several hostages in tow. The men had just conducted a daring heist at a local Bank of the West, when police readily engaged them in a long and especially dangerous pursuit, during which two pedestrians were struck and many others were forced off the streets out of sheer terror.
In Midvale, Utah this week a Super 8 Motel franchise was reportedly held up at gunpoint by a thuggish young woman crudely disguised as a character from the ever-popular cartoon series, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Forgoing the traditional nunchucks and bo staff, this assailant simply shoved a Glock into the face of a late night manager, demanding all the "greenbacks" he had in the register. Upon fleeing the establishment, witnesses heard the perpetrator shouting "cowabunga" before diving into a storm drain filled with toxic decaying matter and noxious chemical fumes.
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