A swarm of Controversy has descended upon the assembly at Christ's Grace Cathedral in Southwestern Ohio. For years concerns have mounted regarding the allegedly unethical practices of 93-year-old evangelist leader/prophet Ernest Angely. So much so that the Akron Beacon Journal conducted a 3-month-long investigation into the closely guarded activities of the peculiar gathering, with the specific intent of checking into rumors of sexual abuse and forced vasectomies. During the course of the paper's analysis, reporters contacted over 30 current and former members of the congregation. Comments from the flock ranged from supportive and sometimes defensive, to generally outraged and just plain scared. Many stated that the ministry functioned in an increasingly cult-like manner, placing Angley atop as the infallible hierophant, beyond all reproach. The Reverend himself is facing allegations of groping male attendees on their privates, as well as encouraging female members to undergo abortions, lest the cost of raising a child infringe upon their ability to support the church. Some have suggested that criminal charges may be pending against the aged Angley, especially after it was discovered he was leading a treacherous double life as the Dick Tracy villain commonly known as Pruneface.
Daniela Livarani, a British backpacker on extended holiday in Southeast Asia, became increasingly alarmed when after experiencing a minor motorcycle accident, she began to develop persistent nosebleeds and feared she may have even ruptured a blood vessel inside her head. Fortunately for her the cause turned out to be something far less fatal, but totally disgusting nonetheless.
After 3 months of travel Livarani returned home to Edinburgh and immediately sought emergency medical assistance. She began to suspect that the incessant hemorrhaging in her sinus cavity was, in fact, being caused by a small organism living deep inside her left nostril. After a lengthy extraction process conducted by doctors, Daniela explained her ordeal:
After 3 months of travel Livarani returned home to Edinburgh and immediately sought emergency medical assistance. She began to suspect that the incessant hemorrhaging in her sinus cavity was, in fact, being caused by a small organism living deep inside her left nostril. After a lengthy extraction process conducted by doctors, Daniela explained her ordeal:
"When I was in the shower, he would come right out as far as my bottom lip and I could see him sticking out the bottom of my nose. So when that happened, I jumped out of the shower to look really closely in the mirror and I saw ridges on him. That's when I realized he was an animal."
Leeches are known for slipping their way into various orifices around the human body, often terrifying those who discover them. Such was the case for notable human-leech hybrid Robin Thicke, who's recently departed wife, Paula Patton, had this to say about the ordeal:
"3-inch-long and about the width of a thumb? Yeah, that's my Robin."
Earlier this month an elephantine looking piglet was born from a 550 lbs. somewhere in a rural area of Northeastern China. The freakish specimen was eventually put on display in Jilin, where promoters billed it as being half pig, half elephant. Trey Parker and Matt Stone, the co-creators of the hit animated comedy series South Park, were quick to address any indication of wrongdoing, stating:
"Swear to god, we had nothing to do with this."
Members of the Clowns of America International Society are up in arms this week over what they call a perpetual sensationalizing of clown fear, or "coulrophobia," throughout the mainstream entertainment media. CAIS President Glenn Hoklberger, a/k/a Clyde D. Scope, blames ill recruitment numbers on the increasingly common depiction of clowns as depraved maniacal killers, stating, "They can take any situation, no matter how good or pure, and then turn it into a nightmare." Recent complaints from the jesting community come largely in the wake of the season premier for cable's wildly popular television show American Horror Story: Freaks. This new installation debuts a murderous clown known as Twisty, who has arguably become the program's most intriguing figure. Resurgence of fearful clown-based imagery has caused other malevolent pranksters to float to the surface, with one giving pause for comment:
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Several other sinister clowns were unavailable for comment. Apparently, they were all too busy biting off people's fingers and putting baby teeth inside of Christmas bells.
A tense political battle is heating up in Colorado this fall between incumbent Democrat John Hickenlooper, and strong-arm Republican challenger Bob Beauprez. One of the most persistent issues of this election season is apparently the death penalty, with right-wing Beauprez relentlessly pounding Hickenlooper over his incredibly unpopular choice not to execute convicted quadruple-murderer Nathan Dunlap. Dunlap is a former Chuck E. Cheese cook who, upon being fired, brutally shot several of his co-workers, killing four and injuring one. Hickenlooper's hesitation to put Dunlap down did not sit well with Coloradans, 67% of those polled opposed his decision. The particularly divisive stance has caused his opponent to issue a political first in America, the promise that if he is elected Governor this fall, he will, in fact, kill Nathan Dunlap. That's right, Republican Beauprez has assured constituents that if their votes carry him through November and into the Governorship, he will undoubtedly sign the order approving Dunlap's executing. Political scientists have expressed concern over such a maneuver, stating that the repercussions could be monstrous. Already, a Northwest Virginia write-in candidate by the name of Elmer Fudd has dredged up menial support with his solemn pledge to "kill that wascally wabbit, this November."
Russian President Vladimir Putin is stepping up the rhetoric this week in a series of rousing speeches made throughout the Ukraine, in an attempt to convince business leaders and intellectuals that their Russian neighbor does not pose any kind of threat to their national sovereignty. A concept that many Ukrainians are still very skeptical of.
Mr. Putin wasted no time in criticizing the U.S. and it's ghastly foreign policy record, markedly pointing out the incredibly unpopular wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. He later suggested that American President Barack Obama is perhaps the "weakest" Commander-in-Chief to date, claiming "he has suffered a long series of humiliating defeats during his tenure."
Mr. Putin wasted no time in criticizing the U.S. and it's ghastly foreign policy record, markedly pointing out the incredibly unpopular wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. He later suggested that American President Barack Obama is perhaps the "weakest" Commander-in-Chief to date, claiming "he has suffered a long series of humiliating defeats during his tenure."
According to new reports out of the war-torn Middle East this week, ISIS fighters have effectively commandeered several fighter jets left abandoned at former Syrian Airforce installations located throughout the now rebel held territories. Naturally as the umbrella of influence spreads across the region, the Islamic state has significantly improved it's arsenal of viable weaponry in it's arduous war against western backed forces. The extremist movement's ever present propaganda wing has already made use of the recent enhancement in producing a terror fueled knock-off of a rip-roaring American favorite.
Of course, certain cultural differences had resulted in some divergent plot lines. For instance, the jihadi hero lead doesn't bother winning over the classy, yet sultry gal with his rugged good looks and bad boy attitude. Nope, in the new intifada edit, he merely throws a bag over her head and immediately starts in with the violent rape.
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