Today in Headlines - Thursday, July 3, 2014

Book themed benches are popping up all over London's public trails and parks spaces as part of a new government initiative to promote reading amongst the city's youth.  It's been so effective that the program has moved on to more adult titles.  Those to come include: Silence of the Lambs, Tom Clancey's Rainbow Six, and the very controversial, Capital in the 21st Century.

A U.S. teen by the name of Shannon Conley was arrested on Wednesday for trying to emigrate to the country of Syria so that she could join the ISIS and fight alongside her online lover.  In a similar story, a teenage Syrian girl was arrested for trying to flee to the United States so that she could go to work for Blackwater.

The Department of Homeland Security says that many of the young migrants flooding the U.S. Southern border are being lied to by smugglers about the circumstances they will face upon entering the country.  In addition to spreading rumors about "special permits" and streets paved with opportunity, the migrants were also led to believe that Americans are a tolerant people. They did not expect to be confronted by mobs of angry citizens demanding unwelcome foreigners leave their land.  They thought that was Iraq.

Iraq's 5 million plus Kurds are ready to seek independence from Baghdad this week, seizing upon the ongoing instability in the region to bring about what many Kurds have wanted since the 1990's.  Baghdad has been less than receptive to the idea of a Kurdistan break away, but some cite the President's lack of assertiveness as the cause for delay.  One Baghdad official told us, quote "he's always mumbling about a red stapler, I don't know what he means.  Once he told me if we didn't give his country independence, he would set the building on fire."

Hillary Clinton is apparently thinking about dropping out of the 2016 presidential race before it even gets started.  I guess it's finally sinking in that she's just not wanted, a concept her husband Bill has been trying to convey for years. 

To the surprise of many, and the dismay of the U.S., China has been courting it's South Korean neighbor in an effort to cultivate better ties, claiming the North has been, quote "acting a fool." The trio are expected to battle out their differences on an upcoming special foreign affairs episode of the Maury Povich show.

Also in Asia, it was discovered that Tibetans possess a special genetic adaptation passed on by extinct Denisovans ancestors which allows them to live at very high altitudes.  A similar study found that certain Mid-Western Americans possess a special gene variant that allows them to tolerate the incessantly annoying comedy of CBS's "Two and a Half Men"

That's it for this week, see you all Sunday, I'm out.

Today in Headlines - Wednesday, July 2, 2014

The country of Sweden, widely known for it's neutrality in armed conflicts, is being called out for what many perceive to be a great contradiction in it's national policy.  In addition to manufacturing ridiculous looking modular furniture, Sweden is also a major producer of arms.  In fact, they rank third worldwide after Israel and Russia.  Many of these weapons -often built by companies like Saab- end up in the hands of countries like Bahrain, Thailand, Saudi Arabia and Egypt. All well known internationally for their ghastly human rights records.  But when asked about the broader implications of these practices, a U.N. delegate on arms proliferation said and I quote, "Those guys?  Oh I wouldn't worry about those guys."

The United States is implementing "enhanced security measures" at overseas airports throughout the world.   When asked whether these new measures would be anything like our "enhanced" torture techniques, a Pentagon spokesman said, "No, these will apply to everyone, not just Muslims."

Katt Williams allegedly drew a firearm inside the Comedy Store in West Hollywood last night. He demanded they put all the jokes they had into a paper bag and then lay on the floor while he quickly raided the safe for wisecracks, anecdotes, antics, buffoonery and several ingots of clowning around.  This news comes two weeks after human french fry Andy Dick looted the Store's entire cache of one-liners.  Luckily, he has no idea how to use them.

ABC's hit program Once Upon a Time, loved by loveless Americans everywhere, is casting new characters, Anna and Kristoff, from Disney's new surprisingly successful animated feature "Frozen." Apparently the network is already considering a whole slue of new characters, including:  Johnny Appleseed, Krampus, and the Brave Little Toaster -played by Jason Alexander.

Survivors from the 2010 Copiapó mining accident in Chile are finally opening up about their harrowing experiences while trapped deep within the dark crevices of the earth.  When asked how they spent most of their time down there, one miner replied, "We played a lot of lazer tag."

Things quickly deteriorated into a "Lord of the Flies"-type scenario, with one miner even being executed for quote, "conspiring with the mole people who mean to overtake us."

Today in Headlines - Tuesday, July 1, 2014

In environmental news today scientists announced that close to 88% of the world's oceans are covered in "plastic junk."  In a similar story, anthropologists have announced that close to 90% of the worlds habitable areas are covered with "stupid people."

NYC's now famous "Cannibal Cop" saw his conviction overturned today, effectively granting Gilberto Valle his freedom after almost 2 years of incarceration. The accused Valle continues to insist that he never actually ate anyone, claiming he "only chewed, but never swallowed."

When asked what he would do upon his release, Gilberto replied, "I plan to be home by dinner."


Actor David Duchovny is teaming up with rock singer Marilyn Manson to record what Duchovny describes as a "Wilco-inspired" music compilation.  When asked what the two could possibly have in common, Duchovny was surprisingly candid, stating,  "We both watched our stardom collapse amidst a series of bad career choices while utterly decimating our relatively meager amount of financial success, leaving us with nothing but a constantly dwindling fan-base."


Manson added, "This project will be a big shot in the arm for my landscaping business.  I'm supposed to put in a topiary garden next week but already spent my entire budget on PBR and lotto tickets."

President Obama announced today that he would be taking sweeping unilateral action to impose immediate reforms on the country's broken immigration system.  In an effort to increase the already high rate of deportations, the President has surprisingly enlisted the help of the U.S. intelligence community.  Now, the C.I.A. will transport all migrants alongside the guns and ammunition bound for cartels back in their counties of origin.

The Ukraine has lifted an extended ceasefire with their Russian neighbors, quickly renewing hostilities between the two nations.   An informal conference between their leaders went sour when Russian President Vladimir Putin insisted the Ukraine was "weak."

Today in Headlines - Monday, June 30, 2014

In Washington today President Obama nominated former Proctor & Gamble CEO and human-salamander hybrid Robert "Bob" McDonalds to be the new Secretary of Veteran Affairs. 

When asked how veterans were taking the news, many expressed doubt.  95-year-old WWII veteran Ashley Perkins was quoted as saying, "He's pink and slimy looking, like all McDonalds."

Indio Falconer Downey, son of famous actor Robert Downey Jr., was busted for possession of cocaine late Sunday evening on the streets of West Hollywood.  Indio's father, obviously disappointed, acknowledged that his son had sadly "inherited" his drug issues.  

In addition to the drug issues, Indio stood to gain a diamond encrusted snorting straw with matching sterling silver coke spoon, a four thousand dollar ROOR bong, and a VHS copy of Frank Zappa's 200 Motels.

Rick James Jr. lamented, "all I got were the rights to Super Freak."

Former Toronto Mayer Rob Ford is back in the news today, proclaiming, "I was my own worst enemy."  Ford said he realized this fact the previous night while smoking crack and playing Russian roulette by himself.  Upon discovering he was his own worst enemy a violent scuffle ensued, after which only one Rob Ford made it out alive.  I guess we will never know for sure, but I would bet it was the "evil" Rob Ford that was ultimately victorious.  Oh I don't know, it's something in the way he smokes that crack.


North Korea plans to indict and try two American tourists currently being held prisoner by the socially retarded nation.  Both have been charged with violating the laws of the republic and if convicted will be forced to make a barely funny hipster-doofus comedy movie about two stoners who want to assassinate a popular American icon.  The real punishment they say, will be having to act with Owen Wilson & Vince Vaughn, apparently the only two actors desperate enough to make the picture.

In political news, a young GOP candidate has come under national scrutiny for apparently asking voters to "forgive" his past incursions with the law which amount to several felonies and are apparently linked to an obscure sexual fetish known as "cranking".  

The republican candidate, Jordon Haskins, was apparently found masturbating in a cop car while "cranking" the engine.  A judge ordered Haskins to attend a support group for individuals with public masturbation fetishes.  Among it's attendees were singer George Michael, actor Paul Rubens and comedian Andy Dick.  Apparently voters in the district are still torn over who to support in the upcoming election because, while Haskins' behavior is deplorable, his democratic rival is supposedly a "total jack-off."

Okay, that's it for this evening, goodnight. 

The Weekend Review - June 28 - 29, 2014

Some experts are warning that the U.S. model of drone warfare could put the world on a "slippery slope" toward "continual war."  In response to this, toy-maker Wham-O, Inc. has put into production a colossal military grade "Slip-N-Slide" expected to be deployed in Afghanistan later this fall.

When asked for comment, one service member was quoted as saying, "it's all going downhill anyway."

The death penalty has been the focus of a major trial underway this week in the great state of Hawaii.  During it's final stages, Jurors were asked to decide whether the accused should spend the rest of his life in prison, or be thrown into a giant volcano.

And just hours before his disruptive outburst on Broadway, a crazed, albeit determined Shai LaBeof demanded that a local homeless man hand over his crumpled bag of stale McDonalds french fries or, quote, "be destroyed".  LaBeof insisted the fries had mystical properties and that he needed them in order to get back to the year 1985.  The beleaguered homeless man was reluctant to give up the fries having just stolen them from former actress turned cat-lady, Amanda Bynes.  Bynes herself had apparently just lifted the fries off of popular 90's actor and professional madman, Gary Busey.

When asked where Busey got the magical bag of fries, he replied, "I stole it from a stupid Daikini while he was urinating in a McDonald's restroom"  The Daikini in question was of course actor Val Kilmer, who can be seen (left) running after Busey.

NASA has unveiled a new "Flying Saucer"-type spacecraft that many are hailing as an important scientific milestone.  Opponents of science on capitol hill were quick to denounce NASA's decision to fund the project.  Especially after it was discovered that NASA engineers had unnecessarily accessorized the ship by adding two little green men that show battle damage when you dip them in cold water.

The cruise-ship Westerdam was forced to return to port in Seattle this week after a fire suddenly broke out on-board, sending plumes of danky grayish smoke high into the air.  Upon discovering the source of the fire, owner Holland America announced that it seemed to have originated in the Cheech & Chong suite.

It was revealed today that Facebook has been conducting a secret psychological experiment on it's users by testing their emotional responses to both positive and negative content.  The study found evidence showing that social media can instigate an emotional contagion which will spread from person to person.  One such emotional response was the increasing feeling of being totally creeped out by Facebook.

Almost overnight the world has changed for pro-government forces in Iraq as yet another major offensive to retake the City of Tikrit flounders before the seamless defense laid on by the opposition.  Sunni insurgents alongside ISIS fighters drove Shiite forces out of the city like Indonesians running from a factory fire.  A loss that is sure to be a major blow to the already deteriorating sense of morale within the Iraqi Army's tired ranks.  Upon accepting the utter defeat, one Iraqi soldier by the name of Sheikh Abu Walter stated, and I quote, "Fuck it dude, let's go bowling."

While many continue to insist the Iraqi Army's resolve is strong, some have sensed a lack of motivation.

Today in Headlines - Friday, June 27, 2014

Researchers have announced that watching too much television may be linked to an early death. In response to this news, the cable network A&E has announced they will be launching a new reality show series wherein participants will watch themselves watching themselves on a reality show until they die of boredom.

Also in entertainment news, Actor Shia LaBeouf was reportedly arrested for disrupting a performance of the ever popular Broadway show "Cabaret." A police spokesperson has stated that in addition to facing charges of harassment, disorderly conduct and criminal trespassing, LaBeouf would also be charged with prostitution since apparently he's a total attention whore. Who knew, right?


 


Whoopi Goldberg is now the lone host of ABC's morning show "The View." Earlier reports that the rest of the ensemble had been sacked by the network turned out to be untrue. Former host Barbwa Walters was qwoted as saywing, "we weren't fiwerd, they just unwocked the doowrs and we all wan out." Apparently, they just couldn't take Whoopi's bad gas any longer.

In political news, Mark Mayfield, a rising star in the Tea Party's leadership was reported dead by an apparent suicide today. Staffers found him in the early morning hours buried under an avalanche of his own bullshit. He had been warned to steer clear of his own bullshit and to instead direct it toward the American people.

Also from the right, conservative commentator and Crypt Keeper look-a-like Ann Coulter was quoted as saying that the growing interest in soccer is "a sign of the nation's moral decay." In related news, I was quoted as saying "the declining interest in what Ann Coulter has to say is a sign of the nation's increasing moral fortitude."

From Iraq today, as the ISIS continues to advance toward Baghdad, the U.S. has deployed a fleet of drones to assist some 300 "advisers" in conducting their operations throughout the country. Already well accustomed to the work at hand, the drones will be carrying out strikes on the region's terror fueled funeral processions, wedding parties, and sewing circles.

The Ukraine has signed an agreement with the European Union that many are hailing as "historic". The move has further angered their Russian neighbors, prompting the Russians to issue a dire warning indicating "grave consequences," to which EU representatives responded, quote "neener, neener, neener."

Game of Thrones fans were let down today when they learned that cast favorite Peter Dinklage did not actually pose for a selfie with equally famous internet sensation "Grumpy Cat." Many were shocked to learn that the individual who posed in the photo with Dinklage was actually fellow actor Ron Swanson.

Today in Headlines - Thursday, June 26, 2014

The newly erected Thai Junta has set up a review panel in an effort to curb critical news coverage. The panel has already determined that the only acceptable forms of news coverage will be the insignificant, inconsequential, insubstantial, trivial, irrelevant, and trifling. Apparently the jury is still out on extraneous, petty and peripheral.

SCOTUS strikes down a law imposing a 35 foot buffer zone for those protesting at abortion clinics. One Justice was quoted as saying, "the Constitution clearly protects the right of every American to scream "god hates you" at other Americans not only in the parking lot but all the way to the front door."

Iraqi Prime Minister Maliki rejects the creation of a "salvation" government, instead opting for a government of "certain doom." He was quoted while shoving a Tiffany lamp and some bathrobes into his suitcase.

Western leaders continue to call for Maliki's removal. One U.S. lawmaker was quoted as saying, "he's had some problems with his TPS Reports."

Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton discusses a 2016 presidential bid, particularly the reasons not to run. Hey, I've got one, "you suck."

Google is set to remove unwanted search results in an effort to comply with Europe's new "right to be forgotten" rule. Those slated to be removed include: Hitler; Euro Disney; the third season of Absolutely Fabulous; Hugh Grant; Gérard Depardieu (just his face, the rest of his body can stay right where it is); and that horny skunk. No, not Pepe Le Pew, I am of course referring to Dominique Strauss Kahn.

In World Cup news, Uruguayan star forward Luis Suarez receives a four month long suspension after apparently biting Italian player Giorgio Chiellini. When asked for comment Suarez said, and I quote, "I hate to work on an empty stomach." When asked how it tasted, Suarez replied, "that's one spicy meat-a-ball!"

During his 4 month suspension Suarez is expected to focus on his much anticipated autobiography entitled, "My Life with Human Flesh in My Mouth."

Shortly after the incident Chiellini received a consolatory phone call from former boxer and cannibal victim, Evander Holyfield.

Okay, that's all I've got on that one.

Today in Headlines - Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Boehner plans to file suit against the Obama administration over abuse of executive power.  Yeah, he's got 66 years of completely ineffective legal precedent to back him up.

Maliki pulls in his remaining guard as part of a desperate move to shield his crumbling power structure from the hammer-jack jack-hammering of the opposition forces.  Hey, buddy, remember what happened in Saigon?  I'd get to the tarmac now, there will be a lot fewer people to climb over.

The Supreme Court decides police can't search your smartphone without a warrant (but they can still burn your infant children with flash-bang grenades).  Geez, I wonder what they're going to do with all those "secret" Stingray interceptors the federal government wants you to know nothing about.  I guess they can always trade them in for more flash-bang grenades.

On a similar note, what did the elderly white veteran (John Wrana, Jr.) say to the elderly black veteran (Kenneth Chamberlain, Sr.) after being shot to death by police in his own home and then floating up to heaven in a cartoon-like fashion?  "Ow, that fuckin' hurt!"

And lastly, North Korea threatens war over "The Interview," starring Seth Rogan and James Franco. Apparently they're already loading rotten tomatoes into their long range missile launchers.

That's the day in news, check back for more utter ridiculousness later on.