Today in Headlines - Friday, June 27, 2014

Researchers have announced that watching too much television may be linked to an early death. In response to this news, the cable network A&E has announced they will be launching a new reality show series wherein participants will watch themselves watching themselves on a reality show until they die of boredom.

Also in entertainment news, Actor Shia LaBeouf was reportedly arrested for disrupting a performance of the ever popular Broadway show "Cabaret." A police spokesperson has stated that in addition to facing charges of harassment, disorderly conduct and criminal trespassing, LaBeouf would also be charged with prostitution since apparently he's a total attention whore. Who knew, right?


 


Whoopi Goldberg is now the lone host of ABC's morning show "The View." Earlier reports that the rest of the ensemble had been sacked by the network turned out to be untrue. Former host Barbwa Walters was qwoted as saywing, "we weren't fiwerd, they just unwocked the doowrs and we all wan out." Apparently, they just couldn't take Whoopi's bad gas any longer.

In political news, Mark Mayfield, a rising star in the Tea Party's leadership was reported dead by an apparent suicide today. Staffers found him in the early morning hours buried under an avalanche of his own bullshit. He had been warned to steer clear of his own bullshit and to instead direct it toward the American people.

Also from the right, conservative commentator and Crypt Keeper look-a-like Ann Coulter was quoted as saying that the growing interest in soccer is "a sign of the nation's moral decay." In related news, I was quoted as saying "the declining interest in what Ann Coulter has to say is a sign of the nation's increasing moral fortitude."

From Iraq today, as the ISIS continues to advance toward Baghdad, the U.S. has deployed a fleet of drones to assist some 300 "advisers" in conducting their operations throughout the country. Already well accustomed to the work at hand, the drones will be carrying out strikes on the region's terror fueled funeral processions, wedding parties, and sewing circles.

The Ukraine has signed an agreement with the European Union that many are hailing as "historic". The move has further angered their Russian neighbors, prompting the Russians to issue a dire warning indicating "grave consequences," to which EU representatives responded, quote "neener, neener, neener."

Game of Thrones fans were let down today when they learned that cast favorite Peter Dinklage did not actually pose for a selfie with equally famous internet sensation "Grumpy Cat." Many were shocked to learn that the individual who posed in the photo with Dinklage was actually fellow actor Ron Swanson.