White House officials believe the impending visit by Pope Francis may produce the single most extensive security undertaking in the nation's history. Given the highly controversial stances taken by the papacy, Secret Service agents have enlisted the help of Central Intelligence and the FBI to assist in guarding his holiness. The multi-agency effort will be dubbed Operation Bubble Boy.
And in a related story, following his ascension to the Republican presidential front runner, mattress salesman Donald Trump has been issued his own Secret Service security detail along with a personal cryptonym to shield his identity from eavesdroppers. From now until the upcoming election, candidate Trump will be known to Secret Service personnel as Codename: Turd Ferguson.
Two British tourists sailing off the coast of Central California were unexpectedly pummeled last week when a Humpback landed directly on top of them. The pair were thrown from their boat but are otherwise unharmed. According to witnesses on the scene, the massive seafaring mammal thrown into the water by a semi-popular anti-hero/drifter known commonly as Hancock. Environmental activists and boating enthusiasts are reportedly calling for his prosecution.
Immediately following the incident, Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump spoke out via Twitter, stating:
A cycling enthusiast writing for LAWeekly was left sorely disappointed after trekking across the entire length of the Los Angeles River biking trail. His harrowing account tells of inconvenient detours through unsavory neighborhoods, and awkward encounters with the bathing homeless. At one point, the rider meanders off coarse, eventually finding himself lost in a subterranean nest of ill-tempered morlocks. The morlocks have been particularly testy these days following the inflammatory remarks of Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump, who callously stated "When those Morlocks send their people to the surface, they aren't sending their best."
Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump was recently described by Matthew Pressman of The Atlantic as, quote, "Reagan's Heir." Many have equated Mr. Trump's overly simplistic worldview and total lack of candor to that of our 40th president, Mr. Ronald Wilson Reagan. In addition to adopting Reagan's own person campaign slogan "Let's Make America Great Again," Trump also intends to craft his future policy initiatives in a form that is true to The Ronald. Consequently, a potential Trump administration might be expected to take such action as:
1. Engage in illegal weapons transfers to the Iranians.
2. Topple the foreign governments of Brown people around the world.
3. Fall asleep during vitally important National Security Council meetings.
4. Take a dump on the economy.
5. Relinquish the wife to Frank Sinatra.
6. Reclassify ketchup as a vegetable.
And finally, the man speaks for himself.
"It's all right here, black and white, plain as the nose on my face. Official, incontrovertible evidence...I am an idiot!"
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