The political wizards behind the lackluster presidential campaign waged by former Hewlett Packard CEO, Carly Fiorina, are probably kicking themselves in the balls tonight after the candidate was pressured yet again on her questionable comments regarding the now infamous "brain harvesting' video allegedly documented inside an unidentified Planned Parenthood location. Fiorina continues to insist the video exists and that she herself has personally seen it. However, no major news organization has yet been able to obtain a copy. Campaign representatives have so far been dubious about their supposed source, but continue to insist on it's authenticity. They claim to have discovered the scandalous video alongside Obama's original Ugandan birth certificate, Saddam's WMDs, Reagan's credibility and Kennedy's brain.
Augustus Sol Invictus, a Libertarian party candidate who is currently seeking election to the Florida State Senate, has admitted to sacrificing a goat and then drinking its blood during a pagan ritual back in 2013. While Libertarian establishment candidates have decried Sol's actions, he has been able to pick up considerable support from well known P.A.G.A.N. spiritual leader, Reverend Whirley, formerly of Los Angeles.
Several of Oregon's Rogue Community College locations were closed due to a bomb threat received early Monday morning. The effected campuses were eventually re-opened after authorities were able to verify that no bombs had been located on the premises. Evacuation efforts were said to have gone off without a hitch, thanks in large part to the college's own super-powered namesake Rogue, who assisted in getting out the disabled and the elderly.
Over the weekend a Rhode Island state police officer suffered a major meltdown after a renegade Dunkin' Donuts barista sneakily scrawled "BlackLivesMatter" across the side of his double late. The recipient, one Lt. Roger Asinall, immediately flew into a violent rage, shouting expletives and eventually hurling his piping hot coffee at the snarky attendant's face. Asinall is not expected to face any charges.
Some might remember a similar display of anti-cop sentiment at the service counter, where one Taco Bell employee took to writing offensive epithets on drive-thru orders placed by local law enforcement.
Some might remember a similar display of anti-cop sentiment at the service counter, where one Taco Bell employee took to writing offensive epithets on drive-thru orders placed by local law enforcement.
Last week representatives with the U.S. Military announced that a new, state-of-the-art body armor would be arriving in combat zones as early as 2018. Described as a "real life Iron Man" style suit, the TALOS (Tactical Assault Light Operator Suit) system would not only render it's bearer impervious to gunfire, but would also provide full spectrum optics, as well as a snazzy douchebag goatee.
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